About Me

I'm J. I'm in my early 30s and I suffer from mental illness. I live in Stockholm, Sweden but I'm originally from Germany. I came to Sweden in 2006 because of love and because I wanted to get away from the bad circumstances I was living under. I have dual citizenship.

I have studied at a few universities and have several degrees, the one that I want to build upon in the future is a Bachelor of Arts in literary studies. My goal is to take my Master's Degree and to just try to get as far as I can get in the academic world. But studying "normally" won't be an option for me any time soon due to my mental issues. At the moment I'm taking two courses, distance learning at the University of Malmö and the University of Uppsala, Russian and The History of Ideas.

I have a husband, M, who I have been together with since 2004. We got married in August 2013. I share a flat with him and my cats B and T. I would say that our relationship is stable although my problems can cause some friction. I feel safe with M, I love him in some way but it's not the passionate love that most people strive for. I would always chose security before passion. I'm somewhat asexual although I can be aroused. I just don't enjoy sex, never have and probably never will. If that has to do with the things I have gone through, I don't know.

I'm somewhat intellectual and people often refer to me as one of the most philosophical and smart people that they have ever met. That's actually the only thing that I'm sure of when it comes to me and who I am. I know that I'm smart and no one can ever take that away from me. We all have our talents and my main talent is playing with words and thinking. I wish I had some talent that wouldn't contribute to my misery. I often wish that I was stupid so my mind wouldn't spin 24/7 around the premisses of life.

I'm short and slightly over-weight. I am "goth". I just thought that was worth mentioning because people tend to label others. And I'm fine with that label. That's how I dress, that's the music I'm listening to. So fine, I'm goth.

I am an atheist, a feminist and a socialist. My atheism is really strong and I'm opposed to anything supernatural. I don't believe in God, ghosts, spirits. I don't believe in the existence of the soul. I am a feminist because I just have to. I see oppression everywhere, in our language, in our traditions, in our every day life. I'm a socialist, I believe in same opportunities for everyone. I believe that capitalism is the worst thing that has ever happened to humanity. I don't believe in a socialist state, I believe in democratic socialism. No force but knowledge and understanding should lead to a better world.

Some of my interests are: literature, music, philosophy, history, politics, the goth-scene, concerts/festivals, art, writing, cooking and movies.

I am constantly and chronically suicidal. I have constant anxiety. I suffer from insomnia and panic attacks. I suffer from dissociation due to the anxiety. I get flashbacks. I am basically constantly depressed and anxious. You can read more about my mental illness under "Diagnosis".

Apart from the mental illness I also suffer from PCOS. I have been diagnosed with that in 2007 but I haven't gotten any help for it. It makes me fat and childless. Yeah. In autumn I got diagnosed with hypothyroidism.

The only medication I'm taking is Zoplicone (sometimes) and Oxazepam (for anxiety, barely). And Levaxin and Vitamin D-supplements. I don't have any other medication because 1. I'm over-sensitive to medication and tend to get strong side-effects and 2. I used to have the wrong diagnosis (Borderline Personality Disorder) which lead to professionals refusing me sedatives and better sleeping-pills. Now they suspect that I have a lot of anxiety disorders and that I have bipolar disorder II.



If you have any questions, you can always ask them as a comment to one of my entries.