One day it will all be over

The itching is a bit better today. It's still itching but it is definitely not as bad as yesterday. The palms of my hands are still swollen and somehow burning. But my face looks so much better. But it is still itching, especially on my arms and my back. I did something that I have actually been avoiding due to my hypochondriac tendencies. I googled withdrawal symptoms of Seroquel. I can't believe that people still get this medication! Poeple lost their eye-sight, got strokes, got heart-attacks and most people get the itching and burning that I'm experiencing right now. I'm really relieved that I actually stopped taking the med after just three weeks on it. Otherwise I probably would have had to take it for the rest of my life because getting off it would have been impossible with my ubersensitivity to medications. So yeah, I'm still itching but it feels like it's getting better. I feel a tad weak and this morning I was really close to throwing up. Most people experienced the itching for two or three weeks so at least I know now that there is an end to it. 

Getting off yet another med because of bad side-effects has led me to the conclusion that this is it. I don't want to try any new medications/antidepressants/moodstabilizers/antipsychotics. People always say that I have to endure side-effects and have to try out all the meds avaiable before giving up. Well, if I had a bacteria infection and I knew that there is an end to it, I might have to take the antibiotics for a few weeks, maybe months, yeah, I would try out everything avaiable. But when it comes to psych-meds I'm not thinking like that. It's because I'd have to take them for years and years to come. Why? Because I have several diagnosis, it's not just one infection. Anyway, I don't want to try out any more meds. I guess I slightly hope that they will get somewhere with neurological research and somewhat come up with a simple solution to mental illness. Like lobotomy but less invasive and more studied. On the news they said yesterday that they have found out that the genes of people with mental illness are the same,that there is a genetic disposition. And they came to the conclusion that mental health is mostly genetic and not enviromental. That's a huge find. But of course no one cares because they'd rather think that we have done something wrong than that there is something wrong with the genes, something we have no control over.

So I have given up on meds. I have given up on the hospital as well. But not totally. I can't rule out that I'll be admitted again. That will be periods when I need to be safe. But I want to avoid that as much as possible. One of my biggest fears is getting sectioned, to be admitted against my will. But I doubt that will happen. I'm a reasonable person, even when I'm anxious or really low. So I know what to say and how to act to not get sectioned. Then there's therapy. My psychiatrist told me that he doesn't think that therapy will help me. He said that therapy will only make me understand but it will never heal me. Yeah. I have tried out CBT and DBT. I don't like being told what to do without any proper explaination. The causal correlation between the past and the present, between my actions and my memories has never come up. I can't do that. I need to reflect, to discuss, to learn. So CBT and DBT (which was the totally wrong therapy for me!) didn't work out. I hope that psychodynamic therapy might at least help me to understand. If I understand and accept I might be able to change things, I might be able to gather more strength. I want my recovery to be on my terms and psychodynamic therapy seems to be right for that. But who knows, maybe I won't get in. I still haven't heard from them. It's been six months since my last therapy session. 

So, without meds, will I ever get better? And without therapy? I feel like I'm stuck right now. Nothing has moved forward for a year. In and out of hospital last year, several times. This year has so far only been about standing still. There has been no improvement (how - withou therapy?). I'm starting to give up hope. Honestly, in my head I have already given up. I don't believe that there's any help out there for me. They give me diagnosis after diagnosis, they give me med after med, they put me in and out of hospital. They don't know what to do with me. I'm too complicated, I'm not just a "simple" depression or have BPD or have social anxiety disorder. Nope, I have several things. And they don't know how to help me. I feel like that there is no help for me to get. 

If I were religious, I would let God take care of me. Well, I'm not religious, I don't believe in God, energies or anything spiritual. So where do I turn to? Nowhere. I only have myself. For now I'll take each day as it comes. I'm not in a deep depression right now. I'm depressed, yes, but I'm not awfully suicidal. My anxiety is there but bearable. So I'll just carry on. Day by day,. There are things happening in my life. In three days I'm getting married. In three weeks my university studies start again. I have things to look forward to. And I'm content about these things, but not happy. I'm never happy because even the things that should bring my happiness are always somehow connected to anxiety, worries and so on. Like: I have gained so much weight I'll look stupid in my wedding outfit. Like: I'm afraid I'll fail the courses because I'm doing too bad. So my point is: I'll just carry on, take each days as it comes and not think of the terrible, meaningless future ahead of me. But there will be a day when I won't be able to fight anymore. And that will be the day I'll commit suicide. I knew that day would come, even when I was a small child. I always knew that I'll die of my own hand. And I'm alright with that. It won't happen tomorrow and probably not this year. But maybe in five years, maybe in ten years. The day will come. And I'm alright with that. I have made my peace with the thought that I'll kill myself. Because I know that there isn't any proper help out there for me. No one can help me. And that's okay.

I've told all this to my social worker the other day. I have no clue if that was right or wrong. I explained it to him logically. He didn't say anything. He probably thought that I won't be his problem when the day comes anyway. So he just pretended to listen and hoped that he'd be able to leave my flat soon because all this negativity was making him bored. I know, I know, I can't know what he was thinking. But that's how I felt he was thinking because there was no response coming from him.

I know this post isn't overly positive. But I feel like I have made peace with the thought that there is no proper help out there for me. And I have a plan that makes it feel okay. One day it will all be over. Maybe that day will never come and I'll die of old age, with an uneventful, meaningless life behind me. Who knows.

Itching, burning, scratching - Seroquel you bastard!

I know, I promised some more entries the other day but I was busy with an ITCH that is  all over my body. Sounds weird? Well, let me explain.

My skin had been weird the moment I started taking the Seroquel. But I blamed it on the dry air and the sun. We haven't had much rain this summer and it had been quite hot. And I have quite weird skin due to the PCOS, hormone imbalance. That means that I still get pimpels, I bascially never have clear skin. But thanks to make-up, concealer and powder, most people don't see my ugly face much. Anyway, so my back was a bit itchy and my arms. But then it exploded. I got HUGE bumps on my skin, in my face, my arms and my legs. And the rest of my skin was itching and burning like hell. It wasn't the same kind of itch that I had from the Lamictal but I kind of had the same feelings, feverish, weak and confused. I had just called my psychiatrist a day before about the restless legs I get from Seroquel/Quetiapine and he had told me to take sedatives against that. So I didn't want to call him again because I hate being annoying and bothering other people too much. 

But on Thursday I couldn't take it anymore. The big blops really looked weird and most of my body was itching and the rash had spread. So I called my psychiatrist to ask him if it could have anything to do with the Seroquel. He told me to stop taking it because it could be some kind of allergic reaction. So I haven't taken the med since Thursday. 

I don't have any new rash and the big ones in my face are getting smaller. The ones on my arms have disappeared. But my skin is still acting up. I have small spots/dry spots in my face. And my whole damn body is constantly itching. It is so annoying! Oh, and the restless legs syndrome is gone. I also have a little bit of asthma and itchy eyes. But that could be from my cat, I sometimes get that. But the itching, oh gosh! Sometimes it's almost burning, especially on my palms and the soles of my feet. My face feels hot all the time. Even my scalp is burning. And everything else is itching itching itching. GAH!

I read up on it and many people get the itching as a withdrawal-symptom from the Seroquel. And as I'm ubersensitive to meds I even get withdrawal symptoms after only 3 weeks on the med. Lucky me. I have given it a thought if I might be allergic to something else as well. I mean, because the big spots/bunbs are getting weaker and I haven't gotten any new ones I can be quite sure that they were caused by the Seroquel. But the itching?  I don't think it's our new kitten, we have had him for almost a month, I should have gotten symptoms much earlier. And I haven't eaten anything new that I'm not used to. We are using a fairly new fabric softener but we have been using that one for almost two months. And the symptoms I have are not typical cat-allergy. And if I was allergic to the fabric softener, I'd have a rash where my clothes touch my body. Well, I don't. It's just itching and burning everywhere! Even in my vagina! In my ears. Fortunately not in my mouth. GAH!

So I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I am quite convinced that this itching is a withdrawal symptom, especially because it got really really bad when I stopped taking the med. Before that I had a bit of an itch but the rash and the bumps looked much worse. Another withdrawal-symptom I have is weakness in my legs. I have fallen twice because I suddenly lost all feeling in one of my legs. Yay. I also have a headache which is really persistent.

I've taken 12,5 mg Atarax so I could get rid of the itching. It helped a bit but my face and my palms are still burning. And I'm really tired and I'll most likely have a hangover soon. I have bought Bepathen for the weird dry burning spots in my face and hopefully it will help. I also put some on my palms but they burn just as much as before. Really, I hope this will go away soon. 

I will never take any antidepressant, mood-stabilizer or anti-psychotic medication again. I'm done. They make me suffer, they make me feel even worse mentally and physically than I am without meds. That's it. I'm so angry at myself for letting myself be convinced to try out the Seroquel. The doctor shouldn't have suggested it in the first place. I can't take meds, period. 

Physical

My day has been a bit weird. I can't really say what's wrong. Well, I can actually tell you about a lot of things that are wrong. My stomach is acting up really bad. This has happened before, many times. A year ago I ended up in the ER because my stomach hurt really bad and I was going from diarrhea to constipation all the time. I was feeling constantly sick, sick like I thought I would have to throw up. But nothing was wrong with me. I felt feverish, I felt nauseated, I felt ill. But yeah, my body was in good health. So I connected the dots and realized that it could be my anxiety that is making me feel like that. My therapist K (my first DBT-therapist) agreed with me and said that it sounded a lot of like GAD and although I didn't have that diagnosis back then he started treating me for it, giving me special mindfulness-exercises that are said to help against GAD-anxiety. They of course didn't help. Mostly because I think that mindfulness is utter new age-bullshit. I guess you need to believe that someting help in order for it to help. 

So today (and yesterday) I have been feeling constantly ill. I feel like I need to throw up. I feel like I have low blood pressure or like I am going to pass out. I get dizzy and my sight gets blurry. I feel feverish (tried to check and well, I had no fever). Stomach-ache. So I assume, no, I'm pretty sure, that it's GAD-anxiety. But that doesn't make it any better. I'm a bit hypochondriac so I'm somehow thinking that there's something wrong with my body. But really, until I actually pass out or until I actually get a fever, I shouldn't worry. Last year all those physcial issues got worse by the day, I was over-worrying which made the anxiety stronger which made the physical issues worse. I eventually ended up in the hospital  because I tried to jump in front of a subway. This time I'm more aware. I can't ignore the symptoms but I can decide how to interprete them. Yup, I have done CBT. So far that's going well. I can ignore my usual anxiety and panic, so I can ignore the physical symptoms too. Maybe I'm also more ill in my body because I'll get my period next week. Oh, one thing I have learned: NEVER GOOGLE YOUR SYMPTOMS! That's the worst thing you can do. You'll either end up believing that you have terminal cancer or you are starting to imagine symptoms you don't have. I'm learning. I'm trying. 

What more? My social worker T was here today. He made me promise that I'll call the psych-center this week to check again if they can tell me if I'm on the waitinglist for psychodynamic therapy. I know that I have to do that, right now I'm in limbo, no heaven, no hell, I don't know what the deal is. So I'll call them on Thursday. I think he kind of feels like he has too much responsibility to take care of me alone. He's the only "professional" contact I have at the moment. He was tired today and I think he got a bit annoyed by me. I hate silence, I can't stand that uncomfortable silence with people I'm not close to. So I tend to babble on and  on. I talked about Kafka, the Walking Dead and the idea of the expanding universe. One of my weirdest anxiety-triggers: thinking about the expanding universe and it expanding into nothing. I can't grasp the concept of "nothing" in that matter because this "nothing (lack of everything, lack of every atom, every matter, everything) can't exist. I know, I'm weird.

I need a life

I still got a headache. I guess I need to take more painkillers although I really don't want to as they made me throw up yesterday. Blergh. I was supposed to meet my social worker today but we rescheduled, again. He only wanted to meet me today so we could call the psych center today. And as I done that already yesterday on my own, he preferred meeting on Friday instead. It's fine with me as I'm in a period right now where I really want to avoid meeting people. Honestly, there's some kind of manipulative force in me that really makes me come up with the lamest excuses so I don't need to see someone face to face. I actually haven't been out, like outside of my apartment, for over two weeks. It's really pathetic. And I know the less I go out, the harder it will be to go out in the future. Eh, but avoiding anxiety really sounds like a good idea to me right now.

The psych center called back yesterday and I got new prescriptions for my sleepingpills and sedatives. So that's good. But they couldn't see in their system if I'm on some kind of waitinglist or not. But I seem to be registered there otherwise I wouldn't have gotten the prescriptions. But I don't have a psychiatrist who is responsible for me. And I don't know if and when I'll meet a new therapist. So how exactly am I supposed to get better and get back into society? Huh? I don' have any valid sickpapers right now either. It doesn't matter so much because I don't get any money from anywhere anyway. But it would be good for my self-esteem. To have it black on white that I'm not lazy but ill. 

I'm going to take a painkiller now and then maybe exercise. My hyponchondriac thoughts tell me that I have meningitis. But I don't feel feverish. And it's a really uncommon illness. So I better take a painkiller so I don't get reminded of the headache and its causes constantly. My boyfriend is at the dentist and will probably get home in an hour or so. It would look good if I have exercised until then. 

I need a life ?!?

Studies

Another worthless day is coming to an end. I haven't done much. I exercised! So that's an improvement! I talked to a friend of mine from France who will be in Stockholm for a few days at the end of this month, with her family. And she wants to meet up. That's great and all but but but but .. how the heck am I going to survive that? My boyfriend probably can't drive me because he has to work so I'll have to take the subway. Something that I haven't done for months. So, take the subway, walk around in central Stockholm on my own and meet my friend. I really don't see it happen. But I have to, I don't want to come with some stupid excuse. Lots of sedatives isn't the solution either, I don't want to make a fool out of myself in front of her family. Damn.

I have been quite a hypochondriac today. I have had stomach cramps and I'm bloated. And now I'm almost convinced that I have ovarian cancer. I read an article about it yesterday so of course I now think that I have all the symptoms. Gosh, I'm so stupid! My grandma had ovarian cancer though and I know it's hereditary. I have never had a papsmear done so I guess I'll have to book an appointment. Just to be sure and to ease my thoughts. A woman should get a papsmear once a year anyway and I never had one done, so there is nothing strange about me getting an appointment. Eh?

I have been looking for internet-based university courses for the fall-semester. The application has to be in until the end of next week. I am still registered for the Master's program in literary studies but that's normal classes that I have to attend physically. And I don't see that happening. Last September I actually gave it a try for three weeks but then I was put on a sickleave. I just couldn't handle the social side of it, being in a room with 200 people while panicking inside isn't really the best position for learning. I also have trouble focusing. I wonder if my concentration will ever come back. I have always had problems with focusing but I still managed to study for an hour before having to take a break. Well, so I thought I'd take an online university class. Nothing that I need to pass, nothing that puts too much pressure on me. Just something to do, something that stimulates my intellect. So I have been looking at the offered classes and I am now torn between a course in philosphy B (I have already done A some years ago and it would be cool to take the B and write an actual paper on some interesting theory. But that's a really demanding course ...), Literature and existential questions ( sounds superinteresting to me) or maybe a language (they offer Russian, Chinese and Japanese, I could take any of those but I'm leaning towards Russian). So what to do? And what if I'm too bad during the fall and can't pass? I am not good at taking decisions!

Nope. Going to bed now. It's past 1 a.m.. I have taken my Propavan three (!!!) hours ago and I don't feel much from it. I have a bit less anxiety and I'm a bit drowsy. But not tired. Stupid stupid sleepingpills that don't do their job!! I guess I'll read for an hour and then try to sleep. Nighty night!