Diagnosis

My Story

I have had anxiety and depression all my life. The first time I tried to commit suicide was at the age of 5. I have always been scared and had no self-esteem. I had a crappy childhood with an abusive father who was a drug-addict. I can't count the times I have been beaten up or seen my mum or my siblings getting beaten up. I have been raped once (by a "boyfriend") and been sexually abused many times by different people. 

My current boyfriend was the first one to actually point out to me that I shouldn't feel this way. My constant break-downs, suicidal antics and anxiety were not me but an illness. I still fought and fought and avoided to contact a psychiatrist or therapist. In 2010 I reached the end of the line. I now even got panic attacks which totally freaked me out. I got in contact with "internet-psychiatry" where I started an online CBT for panic disorder. But I got more and more depressed and in the end of November that year I was put into hospital after a serious suicide-attempt.

I finally got a proper evaluation and I actually believed that I might get help and get better. Well, I met the meanest psychiatrist in the world. He said that I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I read a lot about it and didn't see myself at all in all the symptoms and behaviours. I am, for instance, no impulsive person. And on top of that he suspected me of being a drug-addict. ( I am not an addict, I don't take drugs, I rarely even drink alcohol) So I was forced to leave blood and urine samples for two months, twice a week. That was so demeaning! Anyway, it all came back clear. He didn't apologize, nothing.

I eventually (well, after about a year of seeing a hippie-therapist who talked about Buddha way too much) ended up at a psych-center that offered DBT. Okay, DBT is the biggest bullshit ever if you don't have Borderline and if you aren't impulsive. So I didn't feel like my problems were targeted at all. I felt misunderstood. I tend to question things and that is frowned upon in the DBT-world. Don't question Marsha Lineham, the leader. Uh oh. Mindfulness doesn't help me because I can't relax, AT ALL, in group. And my anxiety is constant and so strong that really, mindfulness felt like a joke. I don't say that DBT can't be helpful. I'm sure some patients need to get mindcontrolled. Some patients don't care about the reasons and only want to deceive themselves. That's fine and that's good for them. But it didn't work for me because 1. I question things 2. I need to see the causal corelation of my problems and not just focus on the now 3. My anxiety is too strong 3. I'm not impulsive and 4. I rarely cut myself. Anyway, I continued with the DBT because I didn't know what else to do. From April to September I was admitted to the psych-unit at the hospital five times, I was in there for three months if you put all the weeks together. And did I feel better when I got out? Nope.

I finished the DBT skills group  right before Christmas 2012. Finally! I convinced my therapist that I don't have Borderline and probably never have had it. So I got a new evaluation and guess what? I was right! No Borderline diagnosis! GAH! I have no clue if my therapist actually entered the results into my medical journal, I asked her a month later and she had forgotten all about it. I was quite mad at her for that because it's so important for my future treatment that I am not treated as a Borderline patient anymore.

Both my therapist and my psychiatrist quit their jobs in the end of February due to some changes in the management at the psych-center. I have had a really lovely psychiatrist during the summer of 2013 but he quit working at the center in the end of the summer. I don't have a psychiatrist right now, every time I need to see one, I get to meet a new one. It is really frustrating.

I go to therapy regularly (well, I'm trying, I cancel a lot due to social anxiety issues). Psychodynamic therapy. I'm not sure if it will help me but I hope that I at least get to know myself better so I can handle my issues better. I'm trying to get off Propavan which is hell! I have constant restless legs, I have spasms, I don't sleep much. The problem is that no one seems to want to help me with this. I wish I had a psychiatrist who was responsible for me so we could work this out together. The last one I have met was condescending and refused to help me because "she can't prescribe drugs". Eh?

Diagnosis

I know that it seems like I have way too many diagnosis. The problem is that they still don't really know what my "major" diagnosis is (I'm guessing bipolar and PTSD). I have done two evaluations and both showed about the same indications, one included Borderline Personality Disorder, the other one didn't. I don't care about what label professionals put on me, as long as they know how to help me. So far this hasn't been the case and it is probably because of the diagnosis-jungle. In general I just say that I have anxiety and depression.

Avoidant Personality Disorder

I am really afraid of other people. I'm not afraid of getting killed or raped or anything like that. Not more afraid than anyone else. I'm afraid of being judged, of being humiliated. I'm afraid of being seen as disgusting, weird, unhuman, asocial, stupid, ugly. I am constantly scanning other people's behaviour to see if they judge me somehow. I can't eat in public places and sometimes not even in front of friends. I can't go out without make-up on my face because I feel like other people would be disturbed by my ugliness. Really, it's all about not disturbing others with my weirdness, my disgusting behaviour and so on. I can't breathe properly in front of other, I try to breathe as flat as possible so my breathing won't get overheard by others who then think that I'm disgusting because I breathe like a freaking hippo. The list can go on and on. I tend to isolate myself from others (the world) because I just can't the anxiety that social interaction causes me. When I'm on my own I can at least be myself. I can't have sex because all I think about is how dusgusting I look and how much the other person must be appalled by my body. And I'm afraid that I or my body make weird noises that can disgust the other person. I feel really inferior to others and the way they behave, what they achieve and how easily they can go through life

Avoidant_Personality_Disorder

Depressive Personality Disorder

In the USA this diagnosis isn't part of all manuals, in Sweden it is. It's closely related to dysthymia but isn't quite the same. But for me it simply means that I am chronically depressed, depression has become a part of my personality. I sometimes get into acute depressive states where I'm very suicidal and nothing, really, nothing is meaningful anymore. Actually, I'm chronically suicidal as well. But there are different strenghts of my suicidality. I can have thoughts of suicide as a dream, I can have them all of the sudden and really strongly and get impulsive (rarely) or I'm starting to plan to commit suicide. I am a pessimistic and anxious person. I have no self-esteem and I don't see a meaning with anything. I can even turn apathatic at worst. I bascially hate myself. I have often thought that I was a lazy person but now I know that my lack of my motivation comes from depression.

Depressive_personality_disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

I have constant anxiety. I am always worrying about something. I just can't stop thinking. The smallest problem can turn me into a wreck. I am constantly afraid that something in my life could change and that the little security that I have will be taken away for me. My anxiety can be really physical: I get cramps, I feel sick, I feel nausea, I throw up, I get headaches, I shake, I get the runs, I itch, my heart is beating like hell most of the time. I am sometimes so worried about the physical effects that I get borderline hypochondriac. I am basically an anxious worrier. And often I don't even know where the anxiety comes from. It just is there from the moment I wake up until I finally fall asleep. I am in a constant state of alertness. When the anxiety gets too much for my brain, when I have a really strong anxiety, I get dissociation.

Generalized_anxiety_disorder

Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I have gone through a lot of shit in my life. I know, a lot of people have. And I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. It's just that the things that have happened to me in the past still influence me in a severe way. I have been raped, sexually abused, beaten up, bullied in school, threatened to death and my best friend died in my arms. I get flashbacks, not in pictures, but in emotions. Like, I can get the exact same feelings that I had in a certain situation: the fear that I'd be killed for instance. These flashbacks come all of he sudden and I can't control them. I often can't recall what exactly happened in the situation, I think my brain is trying to protect me. I avoid a lot of things because of the PTSD: I don't visit my hometown, I don't have sex, I avoid being in a group of people so I can't get bullied.

Post-traumatic_stress_disorder

Panic Disorder

I get panic attacks and I get them a lot. In the beginning I thought that I was going to pass out or die. But nowadays I know that it's a panic attack and that it won't kill me. But that doesn't make it less uncomfortable. Getting a panic attack public is the worst! Panic attacks are really physical: I get nausea, I feel sick, I need to shit, I feel like I have to throw up, I feel unsteady, I can't swallow and I have difficulty breathing. I avoid places and situations in which I had panic attacks. I'm not talking about panic attacks once a month, I get them daily!

Panic_disorder

Agoraphobia

I avoid places in which I have had panic attacks or felt socially anxious. For me the main avoidance is taking the subway or being in a room with a lot of people, not close to a door. I am not afraid of big public events like concerts, as long as I have someone with me. I have anxiety for getting anxiety. It's a vicious cycle.

Agoraphobia

Social Anxiety Disorder

Usually you don't get that diagnosis when you have Avoidant Personality Disorder. But my social anxiety is situational while my Avoidant Personality Disorder is more general. I have social anxiety when having to talk about myself, not my knowledge or a special topic, but myself. That's why I avoid social situations with friends. But yeah, SAG and APD really describe almost the same thing.

Social_anxiety_disorder

Bipolar Disorder II/ Atypical bipolar

That's the most recent diagnosis I got. I'm not too sure if I agree with this one but there are several arguments that actually point into the direction of being bipolar. Antidepressants don't work for, they can even make me kind of manic. And many people who are bipolar get diagnosed with it after several years of contact with a doctor and therapists. Because when you are bipolar II you don't get manic, you get hypomanic and those hypomanic periods are often not seen as a problem as they often just lead to more productivity. And depressive periods can last for months. So I might be bipolar. My psychiatrist is convinced, I'm still trying to understand.

Other

I have insomnia and even if I sleep, I wake up at least once every hour. I never feel rested. I binge-eat when I'm really depressed. I have some signs of OCD. I have concentration-issues. I'm constantly restless. I have PCOS. In autumn 2013 I have even been diagnosed with hypothyroidism.

Medication

What I'm taking right now

• Zoplicone (sleeping medication) once or twice a week (I would take it more often because it helps but psychiatrists hate prescibing it)
• Oxazepam (sedative). I rarely take it because I'm afraid I might get addicted. It helps sometimes, other times it doesn't. It can have a weird effect on me, I can get really active and energetic from it. I have no clue if I ever get a new prescription for it because it's a benzodiazipine

Medication I have tried

• Prozac  ( Antidepressant. I threw up all the time, got all shaky and I even more anxious. I took it for three months, even doubled the dosage but it didn't help)
• Zoloft (Antidepressant. took it for three weeks. I suddenly became a cutter and totally destroyed my arms. It gave me terrible anxiety and I got impulsive)
• Lamictal (epilepsy-medication/mood-stabilizer. The first few weeks with it were terrible, so much anxiety and my suicidality got much worse. I tried it twice, the second time they doubled the dosage. I got a bad rash and my memory got really bad. I had to stop taking it because of the rash)
• Effexor (Antidepressant.It gave me electric shocks, I got manic, I tried to commit suicide.)
• Zyprexa (Antipsychotic/Mood-stabilizer. I gained 30 punds within 6 weeks. I turned into a zombie. It totally changed my personality)
• Abilify (Antipsychotic/mood-stablizer. It actually helped in the beginning but then I became really restless and that evolved into caged tiger syndrome)
• Seroquel (Antipsychotic/Mood-stabilizer. I felt nothing from it, no negative or positive effect)
• Wellburtin (Antidepressant. I've never had such a bad anxiety. I don't think I've actually ever felt so bad in my whole life. I was constantly crying, I couldn't eat, my anxiety was on panic-level all the time and I tried to commit suicide).
• Nitrazepam (For sleeping. Tried it once and got psychotic from it. I saw shadows everywhere)
• Atarax (anithistamine. Is said to have sedative effects. It only makes me sleepy but my anixety doesn't get better)
• Theralen (anithistamine/sleeping aid. Gives me bad bad hangovers. And it doesn't help. If I have taken some drops, I basically can't get out of bed for days without feeling dizzy and wanting to throw up. The first time I took it I got a bad asthma-attack)
• Valium : My doctor prescribed it to me because he thought it is superior to Oxazepam. I didn't like it, didn't help much, gave me difficulties breathing. 
• Propavan