Out of order - but somehow functioning

I've been really uninspired during the last few days hence the lack of posts. I have discovered a website where you can play old Nintendo games for free (nesforever) so I have been playing Super Mario Bros 3 all weekend long. And I really didn't do much else. It actually helped me a bit to get out of the dark valley of depression because it kept me busy. I didn't have to think much, I could just focus on pressing the right button and making the little plumber jump. I have gotten tired of the games now though because I can't get past a certain level and that makes me frustrated. So now I'm trying to tackle reality again, no more brainkilling games and no more wasting whole days with sitting in front of the computer.

Yesterday I went to the Peter Murphy-concert in Stockholm. He was playing Bauhaus-songs and I really couldn't have missed that. The moment we arrived at the venue someone called out my name and some of my friends were sitting outside, eating kebab. Don't people usually eat kebab after a show?!? Anyway, we went in and there were lots of people and I started to panic. I felt sick to my stomach and I was sure I was going to throw up. But I'm good at holding up a mask and I don't think anyone noticed. Actually, I was close to panic during the whole night. I tried to push the feeling away. I told myself that I won't throw up. I have never thrown up because of a panic attack and only once because of anxiety. But the horror-scenarios were in my head, the embarassment I would feel if I threw up in a crowded place, how everyone would stare at me and think that I'm disgusting. Despite that I actually enjoyed myself. I goofed around with my friends, talked with a lot of people and it felt good to be social.And I felt pretty. This seldomly happens. I am really ashamed of my body because of the huge weight-gain. And yeah, my stomach looked big last night but I didn't care much. I had a jacket on that hid it a bit. My hair looked amazing, the purple turned out well and I fixed my goth-mohawk. I also loved the dress I was wearing and my make-up was perfect. So yeah, I felt pretty and somewhat confident. And it was kind of cool that a lot of people asked me if they could take a picture of me. Oh, and the concert was fantastic. I was in the first row and I was often just closing my eyes, listening to the music, singing along. There were some awkward moments though. There was no barrier between the stage and the crowd so I was really really close to the band and Murphy. And I don't like someone singing and looking into my eyes. And that happened a few times. That's really the kind of attention I hate getting. Yeah, and all the time I was thinking about how embarrassing and catastrophical it would be if I threw up right on stage. I also zoned out a few time, I slipped into some kind of dissociativ state. Still, I enjoyed myself. Our friend K came with us after the show because she lives close to where we live so we dropped her off at her house. We talked about cats. Random, I know.

I'm really exhausted now. My cat woke me up at 9 a.m. which is basically the middle of the night for me. That little monster hopped around on me and when I had gotten up she went to her favourite chair and fell asleep. So I have been chatting with people on Facebook. And I have read up on streaming. It is not illegal in Sweden to watch streamed film and series. So I'll be busy the next few years, watching movies. And I think I'll start with the third season of the Walking Dead tonight.

I have tried out the Diazepam. And it felt like I couldn't breathe. I don't know if that was due to the pill, my fear around new meds and or the bleach in my hair. I had bleached my hair earlier that day and I can get a bit wuzzy from the bleach. It was probably a combination of the three. I also felt really dizzy and my arms and legs didn't really follow me. I was basically in bed for an hour, hyperventilating. I am sensitive to medication after all so I thought the Diazepam was too strong for me and it would stop breathing at any second and just drop dead. I just fell asleep after a while. I will give it another go. Next time my anxiety is really really high, I'll take another one. And I'll have my boyfriend around in case I really stop breathing. I think I just overreacted and panicked. Diazepam is stronger than Oxazepam after all.

Tomorrow T will come over. He will have three weeks off in July and asked me if I want another person visiting me during those weeks or if it is enough with a person I can call in case I need help. I don't think I want to meet yet another person and T and I only sit and talk anyway so I'll be fine with a number I can call. On Friday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I have decided I don't want to try out the Lithium because 1. I don't have an official bipolar-diagnosis 2. I'm afraid of side-effects, especially the weight-gain, and I have always ended up in hospital when I tried a new med 3. I don't trust that there will be any follow-ups when he is not working at the center anymore and I'll have yet another psychiatrist and 4. I have PCOS and I'm afraid that it will mess up my thyroid. I don't know what he will say to this. It might seem like I don't want any help and that's not true. I just want the right kind of help and I am too afraid of new meds. I'm quite sure that he will be disappointed and a bit helpless because there basically isn't much he can do. We'll see how that goes.

Today I still need to exercise and prepare lunch/dinner/food. I also want to try to write a poem or a short text for my psychiatrist's book. I'm just so damn tired! And my body is really hurting. I'm not used to being outside, I'm not used to meeting people, and I'm not used to stand for hours and then dance for hours. And I'm allergic to my hairspray so I'm sneezing all the time. I should try to get my hair down too. But I'll start with the exercise and then try to write something. I'd rather be in bed and sleep.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease

Another night filled with nightmares, constant waking up and lots of cigarettes and camomille-tea. I guess I just need to accept that I'll never get a good night's sleep again. Isn't that what DBT teaches? Get used to your misery, that's just the way it is.

I haven't done much today yet. I have watched some documentaries on youtube about the WGT. That's a huge gothic-festival in Leipzig, Germany. Around 25.000 people come there every year for 5 days. I wish I could go this year. I have been there a few times and it was so awesome each time. So many beautiful people, so much great music. I think I would go if I could afford it this year. I'd just take lots of sedatives and  have a great time. Oh well. 

My boyfriend went to the cemetery. He and his sister and his cousin just wanted to visit the family grave today. I like cemeteries, but really only the old gravestones and statues. I didn't feel like visiting his family's grave, see him cry. I'm doing bad enough already. And it was a spontanous decision anyway. I'm not someone for spontanity. I want to know about things at least a day beforehand so I can mentally prepare. His sister has social anxiety and he suggested that they'd have a coffee somewhere afterwards but she couldn't be persuaded. That's one of the things my boyfriend doesn't get: that going out and having a meal or even a cup of coffee around other people can create anxiety. 

For me it's like this: when I drink a cup of coffee out in a café I'm getting bombarded with fears and thoughts. 1. I need to pay. What if my credit card doesn't work? What if I drop my wallet and I'll look all clumpsy?

2. Do I take a piece of cake or a cookie? People will think that I really shouldn't because I'm already fat enough. They will judge me, shake their heads and think that I deserve to look like this because I'm eating cake when I'm out 

3. Walking with your coffee and cake to the table. What if I drop the cup or the plate? What if I spill? People will laugh at me. They will judge me.

4. Sitting. I need to talk to the person I'm with. How the heck do I eat and talk and not look disgusting. I need to concentrate on chewing with my mouth closed. What if I get any crumps on my clothes, around my mouth? Drinking coffee: what if spill. I hope it isn't too hot so I burn myself and spit it all out.

5. Coffee: it can give me a panic attack. I have had panic attacks because of coffee before. I'm worried all the time that I could get a panic attack. And well, that often leads to a panic attack.

6. Drinking coffee leads to having to pee. Or even worse, doing number 2. The worst case scenario: I have to use a public bathroom. Once I got locked in a public toilet, at McDonald's. The lock was messed up and just didn't want to open up. Sooooo embarrassing. I'm not worried about germs. I can wash my hands, no problem. I'm worried about sounding disgusting when I'm on the toilet. Try to pee silenty. Try not to fart. Try to avoid doing number 2. Avoid eye-contact when going out.

7. Leaving the café. Everybody will look at you when you are leaving a place. My thoughts: try to pull your stomach in and put on your jacket quickly. Leave without taking eye-contact with anyone. Just stare out of the door and walk.

Sooo. Drinking coffee or eating in public is a huge problem for me. So I can totally understand my boyfriend's sister. I wish he would understand too.

I'll exercise now. Because I'm a fat whale. No, mostly because I want to keep my routines. Then I'll start cooking so the meal is done when my boyfriend gets home again. I'm already mentally preparing for the event tomorrow: Ben Okri will speak on language and alienation. I want to go, I couldn't forgive myself if I wasn't going. 

On a positive note: I haven't had any thoughts of suicide for about 4 days. That's rare for me. Sure, I have signs of depression. I have anxiety. I have insomnia. I cry. I shake. I really want it all to stop. But I'm not thinking about suicide. And that's good I guess.

Being social

Yesterday has actually been an okay day for me. I met my penpal A from France and her husband, her brother and her mother. I had never met her before in real life which made it all even more like a big deal. You know, we are writing letters (snailmail) to each other. Letter writing is one of my hobbies. So I know a lot about her, her problems, her life. But meeting her in real is a totally different thing. She's in Stockholm right now, on holiday, she'll stay until tomorrow. Anyway, we had decided to meet up. Weirdly enough, it was me who brought up the idea of a meeting. I just thought that it would have been stupid to not meet when she's close to where I live.

My boyfriend left his course about half an hour earlier (he told them he had a doctor's appointment, haha) so he could drive me. I know this is really stupid. I'm dependend on him and I'm somehow using him. But he offered me to drive me, it's not like I'm forcing him. And he actually wanted to meet A too, he knows who my penpals are. So, we met up at a subway-station. I panicked, not so much about meeting her but more about being close to a subway-station. All the people coming off the subway, the flow, it just caused me to panic. 

But when they arrived, it didn't feel awkward at all. We walked around in a park (Skinnarviksparken) in Southern Stockholm and we stayed some time at an awesome viewpoint where you can look all over the water (Stockholm has water/the sea everywhere around) and the other side of the town. Then we sat down in a little cute café, had some cake and some coffee and just chatted for an hour or so. I actually drank coffee in public! Coffee can cause me to panic badly so I avoid drinking anywhere else than at home. And I got a small panic attack and thought I would pass out. But I tried to keep my act together and pretended that I was fine. You know, I am good at pretending. I think I talked too much though. Some people say nothing at all when they are anxious or nervous but I just talk, talk, talk. To make the awkwardness go away. 

So I had a good time yesterday. Yeah, I had panic attacks. I was worried that they would find me weird. I was worried they would find me disgusting (my body issues, gah) and I was worried that I talked too much. But it was nice to meet her and her family and I was kind of proud of myself afterwards. But that doesn't mean that I want to do it again any time soon, going out, meeting a friend. There's still way too much anxiety involved.

My social worker just texted me to ask how it went yesterday. That's so sweet of him. It seems like he really cares about me.

I have to exercise. I'm so mad at myself at not having done that today yet. I know that I can't get myself to do it tonight.  All those stupid pills and hospitals stays during the last two years made me gain around 60 pounds! You know, I have always been overweight and then, in 2008, I finally did something about it and started exercising and just cut out all junk food and candy out of my diet. It took me two years to lose 90 pounds. And here I am, fat again. I have PCOS and that means that I have it extra-hard to lose weight because my metabolism doesn't work the way it should be. I'm so ashamed for having gained all that weight again. That's probably one of the reasons why I don't want to go out.

I'm so ashamed of my body. I haven't met any friend in months! Just my boyfriend and our roomate. I mean, I know that the main reason for not seeing my friends is the Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm really a textbook example, I have successfully isolated myself from physically meeting other people. But I think my shame about the weight-gain has something to do with it too. I'm so scared that someone will say something about the weight-gain, that people will talk behind my back about it. That I'll get weird looks, you know, the kinds of look where you know exactly that that person is judging you. You know what would be cool? A cloak that makes you invisible, like the one Harry Potter has. I'd love to have one of those!

One thing that really annoys me with all of this is that I'm aware that my weight-shame has a lot to do with what society and media tell us about  beauty. That we all need to be skinny to be beautiful. I have a boyfriend that loves me the way I am. Still, I want to have society's acceptance. That's really so stupid of me! I am so aware of the pressure and where it comes from. So I'm telling myself that I'm exercising to stay healthy. I'm actually exercising regularly, 30 minutes five to six times a week. But in secret, my main goal is to be thin and beautiful. Not for myself, but for others. When I weighted 120 pounds I still felt fat and tried to hide parts of my body. I still hated pictures of myself. So what the fuck is going on in my head?

And all that crap is just really strong in my thoughts right now because I haven't exercised today. My self-hatred has no limits. I HATE MY BODY!!!