Fallen

I knew it. I knew that the positive period wouldn't last for long. Why did I even get my hopes up? I haven't slept more than four hours last night, and those hours I didn't sleep in a row, nope, I woke up all the time, wandered around the apartment, smoked, cuddled my cat, drank a hot tea. I'm so tired! 

The thing is that I know that I can sleep better when I take Zoplicone. But for some reason I don't understand I suddenly only get 10 of those pills per prescription. I think it has to do with my sucidality or something. Honestly, with my sensitivity to meds, I could probably overdose on 10 Zoplicone. Anyway, so I can't take it every night.  It was my own decision, which I didn't tell the doctors, that I don't want to take it every night because I was afraid that it wouldn't work as well after a while. I have been taking Zoplicone for two and a half years. So, these days I'm taking Zoplicone about twice a week. Which means that I get two nights of good sleep and the rest of the week I'm drained, have nightmares and don't get much sleep at all. So you can't imagine how much I want it to be tomorrow night so I can take a Zoplicone again and actually sleep!!

I feel stressed out right now. I'm supposed to come up with meals that we'll eat this week and honestly, we have nothing at home, apart from rice, meat and pasta. But I need something to it, I need some veggies or whatever. So my dearest boyfriend just called me while he was at the supermarket to buy some milk if I know what I'll cook during the next few days because he wanted to buy something then. Oh hell, I couldn't come up with anything that pleased him and he just hung up. What the heck?!? I'm tired, my brain doesn't work well today, give me a freaking break. So he decided that we'll have lasagne tomorrow. I don't care. I'll be the one cooking it but I'm just glad if he gets something to eat that he likes. I really don't have much responsibilities in my life at the moment, well, I should try and stay alive. That's my number one responsibility. But somehow I feel like I have become a housewife. And that's just not me. I really have higher aspirations in life. I don't want just to clean and cook. I get it, my boyfriend is working full-time so he really doesn't have the energy to do much housework. But once when I'm back studying full-time, we'll have to split the housework more evenly. Like we used to do. All he is doing is the laundry and the grocery-shopping (and I'm writing the shoppinglist anyway so he doesn't even have to think). Not working for me. I'm also annoyed by my roommate. He hasn't cleaned his room in months and it's all smelly and yucky. I can't believe he can actually breathe in there. I'm not the tidiest person in the world and I don't deep-clean every day. But how difficult can it be to tidy up a bit?!? Clothes on the floor, old pizza-boxes, old beer-cans. Yucky!

Right. Now that I got this off my chest, I'll get on with my day. My boyfriend will be at home for the rest of the week which is great. I feel so much safer when I'm not on my own. He can take control if I have lost it. Gah, I'm so tired. That means that I'm supersensitive. My anxiety is bad. Can't this day be over already? Well, I'll try to stick to my plans for today. Exercise, fix my hair (haven't washed it or brushed since Sunday, so right now I have BIG hair) and cook. Then I'll just die on the sofa.

In Control

I'm doing alright right now. I'm just a bit exhausted and hungover. And tired. I can't believe that I have been able to enjoy myself yesterday. All social activities are often connected to panic attacks and anxiety for me. But yesterday it went quite alright.

We went to see Fields of the Nephilim last night. That's a gothrock-band, there are basically two big gothrock bands which have been around forever: Sisters of Mercy and Fields of the Nephilim. So I just had to go, I didn't want to miss the concert. I of course had the typical breakdown when I realized that all of my clothes made me look like a whale but I eventually got over it. And it was fun to style myself up, to back-comb my hair, to use fake eye-lashes and to put on lots and lots of make-up and jewelry. I have missed that, looking beautiful. 

When we arrived at the venue, we ran into people we know right away. That was the one thing I had been most afraid of, to meet friends and mates. Many of them I hadn't seen in many many months. But everyone came up to us, hugged us, talked to us. And I got to hear more than once how happy people were to see me. I felt loved! I had been convinced that people had forgotten about me but apparently they hadn't. They were all concerned about my health but I said that I was alright, that I hadn't been at the hospital for months. And I didn't say more about it. 

During the concert I was standing next to my friend V. I love that girl so much! First off, she is so beautiful! There are always guys hitting on her which really isn't making her boyfriend all too happy. But really, she is the nicest, smartest and most honest person I know. She has mental illness too so I don't feel like I need to hide something in front of her. I hadn't seen her in almost a year which is really crazy! Anyway, we were dancing, drinking and just having a good time. But ah, my feet and my back hurt bad after a while. I should have chosen better shoes. Oh well. The concert was great, the show was actually sold out and people were really enjoying themselves. 

Now I'm thinking about if I should push myself more or if the good mood I was in yesterday was just an exception. I was close to panic a few times but I was in control. I don't know. I'm invited to a party next Saturday, at J's place. The thing is that my boyfriend is going out with some old schoolfriends that night so I would have to go alone. And I don't think I can handle it. I could take a cab to J's place but really, that would be just a waste of money. And taking the subway on my own on a Saturday night, I rather not do that. We'll see, I probably won't go.

This week one of my favourite authors, Ben Okri will be at some kind of discussion on alienation. It's for free so I think I'll most definetely go there. My boyfriend has most of the week off from work due to May 1st (worker's day). So he could come with me. I'd love to get one of my books by Okri signed. And then there are the May-demonstrations/protests, I might go with the socialist party. So there are things that I could do this week. Maybe I should just push myself. Haha, I'm sure that in a few hours I'll break down and give up on everything again. All the love that I felt yesterday has given me a high but it's dangerous to crash from a high to a really low. And that's what always happens.

Blah

I had a terrible day yesterday. I really didn't get anything done, I mostly just stared at the TV, trying to not lose my mind. I guess my pms is a bad combination with the increased anxiety I have been having lately. I felt totally unmotivated, thought everything was useless and meaningless. So I tried to distract myself with watching the end of Season 2 of "The Walking Dead" and the movie "Changeling". 

Today I'm not much better but I really need to come out of this state of nothingness. So I baked chocolate buns this morning for breakfast (German recipe) which turned out great. They were really appreciated by my boyfriend and my roommate. I have cleaned a bit and I'll soon exercise for half an hour. Then I need to dye my sides red. I bleached them the other day and today my boyfriend finally fetched my Manic Panic hairdye from the post office. I order them online although there are some stores that sell not too far away from where I live. I've really come up with a lot of strategies to avoid to go out. That's probably nothing to be proud of. Another thing not to be proud of: I ate chocolate for breakfast. There was a lot of left-over chocolate after I had baked the buns. And I stuffed my face with it. I don't know if that's the pms or if it was just another binge-eating attack. I'm not diagnosed with any eating disorder but having PCOS makes you crave sugar a lot. So yeah. 

I'll have to go through my clothes and find something to wear for the concert tomorrow night. I haven't been out "partying" for months. So I'm really nervous about tomorrow. I'll have some sedatives in my bag, just in case. What I'm mostly scared about is meeting all the people I know. Some of them I haven't seen in a year and damn, I've gained so much weight in that year, I'm really fat compared to when they last saw me. I'll need to be social, hug people, talk to people. I don't want to! But maybe it will give me a boost. But what I really want is an invisibility cloak like the one Harry Potter has. Just throw it on, stand in a corner, enjoy the concert, without getting any attention. How great wouldn't that be? So, I'll spend my afternoon with looking for clothes, feeling fat and probably ending up with a dress that just hides my body. Or just something plain. I don' t know. Gosh, I should be excited about tomorrow night and not all anxious. 

I think we'll watch "The Hobbit" tonight. Something to distract myself with. Yay. My roommate will leave soon because he has a "black" job this weekend. Actually, I didn't even know that he was at home. He had said yesterday that he'd sleep over at a friend's. So I have been running around in my underwear and had just put on some clothes when he came out of his room. I would have died of embaressment if he had seen me in my underwear. My boyfriend is sleeping. My cat is sitting on the balcony. And as always, I'm the one being awake, restless, anxious. Gah. Nope, I'll stop whining now and start exercising. I need to burn off the calories from my chocolate-breakfast. Yeah.

Being social

Yesterday has actually been an okay day for me. I met my penpal A from France and her husband, her brother and her mother. I had never met her before in real life which made it all even more like a big deal. You know, we are writing letters (snailmail) to each other. Letter writing is one of my hobbies. So I know a lot about her, her problems, her life. But meeting her in real is a totally different thing. She's in Stockholm right now, on holiday, she'll stay until tomorrow. Anyway, we had decided to meet up. Weirdly enough, it was me who brought up the idea of a meeting. I just thought that it would have been stupid to not meet when she's close to where I live.

My boyfriend left his course about half an hour earlier (he told them he had a doctor's appointment, haha) so he could drive me. I know this is really stupid. I'm dependend on him and I'm somehow using him. But he offered me to drive me, it's not like I'm forcing him. And he actually wanted to meet A too, he knows who my penpals are. So, we met up at a subway-station. I panicked, not so much about meeting her but more about being close to a subway-station. All the people coming off the subway, the flow, it just caused me to panic. 

But when they arrived, it didn't feel awkward at all. We walked around in a park (Skinnarviksparken) in Southern Stockholm and we stayed some time at an awesome viewpoint where you can look all over the water (Stockholm has water/the sea everywhere around) and the other side of the town. Then we sat down in a little cute café, had some cake and some coffee and just chatted for an hour or so. I actually drank coffee in public! Coffee can cause me to panic badly so I avoid drinking anywhere else than at home. And I got a small panic attack and thought I would pass out. But I tried to keep my act together and pretended that I was fine. You know, I am good at pretending. I think I talked too much though. Some people say nothing at all when they are anxious or nervous but I just talk, talk, talk. To make the awkwardness go away. 

So I had a good time yesterday. Yeah, I had panic attacks. I was worried that they would find me weird. I was worried they would find me disgusting (my body issues, gah) and I was worried that I talked too much. But it was nice to meet her and her family and I was kind of proud of myself afterwards. But that doesn't mean that I want to do it again any time soon, going out, meeting a friend. There's still way too much anxiety involved.

My social worker just texted me to ask how it went yesterday. That's so sweet of him. It seems like he really cares about me.

Weird dreams

I should write down my dreams somewhere, maybe write a dream-diary, maybe buy some book on dream-analysis. But I have read so many scientific articles on the subject and I'm quite convinced that there is no bigger significance in what we dream about. Freud was really into this whole thing and he also thought that cocaine would be a great medication for the mentally ill because it doesn't cause addiction. He was wrong about that, so he was probably wrong about the dreams as well. I see dreams as nothing more than hallucinations, the mind and the brain being in a trance-like state. Sure, sometimes we dream about things that have happened during the day, things we worry about. But still, there is no truth in dreams, there are no answers in dreams.

I get really bad nightmare when I only take Propavan. During the nights I take Propavan and Zoplicone I don't dream at all. I have had nightmares all my life but none of them were as fucked up as the ones I'm having these days. Am I the only one getting this side-effect from Propavan?

So last night I dreamt I was sitting in some kind of lecture course at my old university in Germany. The lecturer was some kind of weirdo and all of the sudden he pulls out a rifle and a gun and starts shooting people. I soon realize that he's only shooting the people who look left.wing or like immigrants. An Indian girl next to me gets shot and her dead eyes are starring at me. I try to crawl out of the room (I'm sitting in the back of the room, near the door) and I have to get passed dead bodies, bleeding, some of them still somewhat alive, moaning. I crawl out and there is another man with a gun stepping into the room. I play dead, he steps on me and I try to not make a sound. He goes down the stairs and starts shooting people. I crawl out of the room and without looking back, I start running. I come to some huge basement and there are hundreds of people hiding, families, old people, wounded people. We hear the sound of guns being used. One woman screams, everything turns silent and then a door opens. I don't even look at who is coming in, I just start running. I find an open window, I crawl out and I run into the forest nearby. Hiding. I hear helicopters and police sirens.

That's the nightmare I had last night. What the fuck?!?

My boyfriend just called, he's on his way home already. He had to go to some course today and they finished early. He really needs some rest. The last few days it really felt like he was more mentally ill than me. The anxiety I could see in his eyes, it made me feel so helpless. So I hope I can make him feel comfortable today. I'll cook some nice dinner, we can watch whatever he wants to watch on TV. I'll make tea. Oh hell, I might even bake some cookies. 

Physical

My day has been a bit weird. I can't really say what's wrong. Well, I can actually tell you about a lot of things that are wrong. My stomach is acting up really bad. This has happened before, many times. A year ago I ended up in the ER because my stomach hurt really bad and I was going from diarrhea to constipation all the time. I was feeling constantly sick, sick like I thought I would have to throw up. But nothing was wrong with me. I felt feverish, I felt nauseated, I felt ill. But yeah, my body was in good health. So I connected the dots and realized that it could be my anxiety that is making me feel like that. My therapist K (my first DBT-therapist) agreed with me and said that it sounded a lot of like GAD and although I didn't have that diagnosis back then he started treating me for it, giving me special mindfulness-exercises that are said to help against GAD-anxiety. They of course didn't help. Mostly because I think that mindfulness is utter new age-bullshit. I guess you need to believe that someting help in order for it to help. 

So today (and yesterday) I have been feeling constantly ill. I feel like I need to throw up. I feel like I have low blood pressure or like I am going to pass out. I get dizzy and my sight gets blurry. I feel feverish (tried to check and well, I had no fever). Stomach-ache. So I assume, no, I'm pretty sure, that it's GAD-anxiety. But that doesn't make it any better. I'm a bit hypochondriac so I'm somehow thinking that there's something wrong with my body. But really, until I actually pass out or until I actually get a fever, I shouldn't worry. Last year all those physcial issues got worse by the day, I was over-worrying which made the anxiety stronger which made the physical issues worse. I eventually ended up in the hospital  because I tried to jump in front of a subway. This time I'm more aware. I can't ignore the symptoms but I can decide how to interprete them. Yup, I have done CBT. So far that's going well. I can ignore my usual anxiety and panic, so I can ignore the physical symptoms too. Maybe I'm also more ill in my body because I'll get my period next week. Oh, one thing I have learned: NEVER GOOGLE YOUR SYMPTOMS! That's the worst thing you can do. You'll either end up believing that you have terminal cancer or you are starting to imagine symptoms you don't have. I'm learning. I'm trying. 

What more? My social worker T was here today. He made me promise that I'll call the psych-center this week to check again if they can tell me if I'm on the waitinglist for psychodynamic therapy. I know that I have to do that, right now I'm in limbo, no heaven, no hell, I don't know what the deal is. So I'll call them on Thursday. I think he kind of feels like he has too much responsibility to take care of me alone. He's the only "professional" contact I have at the moment. He was tired today and I think he got a bit annoyed by me. I hate silence, I can't stand that uncomfortable silence with people I'm not close to. So I tend to babble on and  on. I talked about Kafka, the Walking Dead and the idea of the expanding universe. One of my weirdest anxiety-triggers: thinking about the expanding universe and it expanding into nothing. I can't grasp the concept of "nothing" in that matter because this "nothing (lack of everything, lack of every atom, every matter, everything) can't exist. I know, I'm weird.

The monsters in my head

This constant daily anxiety is driving me nuts! I am just so annoyed that it has gotten so bad again. I have had  daily anxiety all my life, well, at least as long as I can remember. As a child I was always afraid of getting beaten up by my dad or being put down by him. As a teenager I was anxious about the bullying, about nicknames, about sexual abuse, about the hatred towards me that I had to go through every day. I was goth, I was fat and I was half-Iranian. So I was probably the perfect bullying-victim. But as a child and as a teenager I could still pretend. I would smile and laugh. I would pretend that they can't hurt me, that nothing can get to me, that I'm strong. But these days it's so different. I don't know why I have anxiety, I don't know what my body and brain are afraid of. Back then it was easy to point out my fears. But now? I just don't know. I guess I'm just so used to be afraid and anxious that it has become who I am.

What annoys me the most is that the anxiety has gotten worse. Just a few weeks ago I felt like I was in control. Sure, I felt depressed, gloomy and anxious. But I could still have moments where I didn't think of my mental state. But now it's like the gates of hell have opened and all the negative feelings are coming out. My hope is that it's just a period, that it will pass by itself, that it won't get even worse. I don't have any psych-contact right now so I have no help to get through this. And I'm not going to turn to the hospital. I chatted with a friend about it yesterday, we talked about last year and how I spent almost the entire summer at the hospital. And I said they won't get me there again, at least not voluntarily. There's a law in Sweden that they can lock you up in a psych-unit if you are a danger to yourself or others. I'm sure that laws like that exist all over the world.

So I've been trying to stay active. To do things almost all the time. My mind is working slowly though. Well, it doesn't when it comes to the negative thoughts, it can bombard me with negativity all the time. But when I want to focus on something else, it just doesn't follow my lead. I dyed my hair yesterday, exercised, cooked, cleaned, read, wrote, watched TV. And today I have so far had breakfast, read the news, done the dishes, done the laundry and chatted with a friend. So, I'm trying hard to keep busy. I need to, I feel like a ticking bomb and it will explode the moment I lose control. I'll soon exercise and watch "Downton Abbey". Then I'll cook, shave the sides of my hair, shower, read, write a letter, reply to an e-mail (at least start), watch TV. Cuddle my cat. Yeah, I want to cuddle my cat!

Plans for the week: meet my social worker T tomorrow, meet my friend A from France on Wednesday and go to the Fields of the Nephilim-concert on Sunday. Fuck, so much social activity. And I'll start pmsing soon. When you have PCOS like me your pms-symptoms can get really bad. I tend to feel like I have the flu a few days before I get my period, then I bloat up (swollen all over my body), then I get bad bad bad cramps and about a day or two before my period I get emotionally uncontrollable and suicidal. Yeah, now that's something to looks forward to. NOT.

Blah

Just another day in hell. Every day is exyactly the same. There's a song by NIN with that title and for a time I listened to it constantly. Just because it described my life. So, it's Saturday. Everyone is happy because they have the day off and they can do the things they love doing, they don't have to work, they don't have to live every day life. Well, every day is Saturday for me. Or Monday. Or Thursday. There really isn't much of a difference. 

I have realized this morning that I'm having a depression again. Everything is just so much harder to get done. I have zero motivation. All I feel is sadness, indifference and anxiety. I often think that indifference is the most dangerous feeling one can have. Will I die today? I don't care. Will there be an apocalpse? I don't care. Will my boyfriend leave me? I don't care. I just don't care. I don't have the strength to care. I just want to crawl into my bed, stare at the wall and wait for the end. But I think it's good that I'm aware of this. I mean, earlier in my life I would just let the feeling lead me. I wouldn't even try to describe my feelings, I would just give up. So I guess I have improved in comparison to how I was doing about two years ago. Gosh, I wish I had some psych-help, a therapist, someone. I need to talk, I need to get a pep-talk. I don't know how to stop myself from hitting rock-bottom. My goal: I don't want to end up in hospital. So I'll just fight on, do my "chores", survive every day. Even if it seems meaningless. What am I doing this for? I know that even if this is just a period, the bad days will always outweight the good days. 

My boyfriend is out to help his sister/aunt (his mum died when he was three years old so he got adopted by his grandparents) with the grocery shopping. She is handicapped and in a wheelchair so M takes the car and helps her with the grocery shopping every two or three weeks. This makes it even less feeling like a Saturday. He's at home in maybe two hours. So just like any other work-day. Our roommate just got home so at least I'm not all alone at home. 

I have a toothache but I'll just ignore that. I can't afford a visit to the dentist anyway. I'll just use lots of mouthwash and hope that it will go away by itself. 

So my plans for this weekend. I think I want to re-dye the black in my hair and shave my sides (down to 9 mm). I want to dye my sides red next week. I have had the blue for five weeks now and although I re-dyed it twice, it really doesn't look that good anymore. My hair grows incredibly fast. So yeah. We'll watch some more episodes of the Walking Dead. I could go to that one Goth-night but I doubt I will. There are three mediocre local rock-bands playing (they are nowhere near goth, they are just plain goth) and it costs like 15 US dollars for entrance. Not worth it. And honestly, my social anxiety won't let me go anyway. I better focus on next week, with meeting my friend from France (she wants to meet up at 3 p.m., M works until 4 so I have no clue how to manage to get into town) and then the Fields of the Nephilim-concert. Yeah. 

Blah.

(I don't officially have OCD as a diagnosis (was close to getting it) but there are some things that just annoy me so bad. The "A" on my keyboard is half-off, you know, the white print of the letter. I have the strong urge to use a pen to draw it back on. Haha. Things like this can drive me crazy. The other day P took a chair from the kitchen because he wanted to fix his lamp and needed something to stand on. I couldn't go into the kitchen, it just felt SO wrong that there were only three chairs. Haha. )

Mindfuck

I just can't stop thinking and at the same time I don't really know what I'm thinking about. My mind is a fucking mess. I wish I could relax for a few minutes and just exist, breathe and be one with my body and mind. That sounded New Age. I hate New Age. I meant I would love to have some control over my body and my brain's activities. Now that sounded more acceptable.

I have slept way too long and Mister Angst fucked my brain right away. I'm starting to get really annoyed by this increased anxiety. I had some weeks which were quite okay and now I'm a mess again. Although I have hated DBT (a therapy) I'm trying to use some of the skills I have been taught. Like, I won't go to bed when I'm feeling bad, I'll just continue doing whatever I have planned to do. The thing is that I'm using the skill the wrong way. I think it's called to go against your feelings/emotions. But I'm more like trying to ignore my anxiety, I never let it come out, I just press it down and hope that it will go away by itself which it of course never does. But what else am I supposed to do? If I let it come out and "feel it", it will destroy me. It will make me do destructive things because I can't stand having it. It's already hard enough to not go insane while supressing it. Bah! I fucking hate this anxiety!

My boyfriend has already been home from work but now he's out to do some shopping. He always does the shopping because I just can't go out most of the time. And shopping is really a bad thing for me. I always feel like people check what I buy. When it comes to clothes they will secretly judge me for the size I'm buying, when it comes to food they will judge me by the unhealthy things I am buying. I think that people think that I shouldn't buy this and that because I am fat. I know that it's just in my head but the fear it's creating is real. 

I'm listening to a Turkish goth-band. They are singing in Turkish which means I have no clue what they are singing about. But I like the music. They are called She Past Away. Yeah. I'll have a lazy weekend. I won't go out. There is this goth-event but I really can't be arsed. They want 100 SEK (about 15 USDollars) and there will be three lame Swedish bands playing. Not worth it. Next week I'll meet my friend from France who will be in Stockholm for a few days and then there's the Fields of the Nephilim-concert that I have a ticket for. I'll focus on that.

Gosh, I am close to panic again. What the heck? MAKE IT STOP!!!

Medieval Market

For once you are getting a photo that I have taken. I really would love to own a really good system-camera. But I only have a crappy digital camera and my smartphone. That's one of the things I want to learn in the future, to take awesome photos. That and to sew properly. I would love to be able to sew my own clothes. I have sooooo many ideas. But I'm really bad at crafts. I can do some DIY when it comes to clothes, like draw bats on my clothes and do patches to sew on. But that's it.

So last Sunday felt like the first day of spring in Stockholm. The sun was shining, it was warm and most of the snow had melted away. I love spring. We decided to go to the medieval market in Kungsträdgården in central Stockholm. We of course took the car, I just can't take the subway. Well, I probably could take the subway but it would mean a lot of anxiety and I really wouldn't be able to relax and enjoy myself. The market wasn't that big but it was interesting. In Germany the medieval markets are really huge, there is a whole scene dedicated to the Middle Ages. But in Sweden it really isn't that big of a thing. We walked around for an hour or so, listening to a band playing, looking at all the pottery and jewelry and looking at people trying out to shoot arrows. It was fun. 

Then we sat down on some stairs and did some people watching. The weirdest thing were two people dressed up as astronauts as an ad-gimmick for some some deodorant. So funny! We also also hit the stores so I could buy some new (cheap!!) make-up and some DIY-things.

My anxiety was under control. I felt uncomfortable but I just held on to my boyfriend. I was just glad that it was spring, that I could wear my sunglasses and that the sun was shining. But I got really annoyed by people taking pictures of me. I look different, really different. I know that and I'm doing that on purpose. I love my style, I love being goth, it's really who I am. And I know that people of course find it weird, interesting or whatever. I'm used to it. But I hate if people take pictures of me without asking. Hello?!? It's not like I'm some kind of celebrity or public person. I'm fine with it when they ask because I have the possibility to say no. And there were lots of people taking pictures of me!! Even with those huge system cameras. Assholes. So that really got on my nerves. I've had some weird experiences with people taking my picture. Like at 8 a.m. on the subway to university. And I really don't look all styled-up at that time of the day! One of the more awesome experiences was a couple of tourists from Yemen wanting to take a picture with me. They had never seen a goth before. Haha. So I gladly posed for the picture with them. But really, on Sunday it really got on my nerves and annoyed me. It increased my anxiety. It just wasn't nice. I remember that at the Peter Murphy-concert in Stockholm in 2011 there was a professional photographer and he asked to take my picture. So I had to pose in front of a white screen. And dozens of people were watching. And all I could see were the hundreds of flashes from his stupid camera. I got a massive panic attack and had to hide in the bathroom for a few minutes, taking sedatives and trying not to freak out. Conclusion: I don't ever want to become famous, a public person, a celebrity or a model. Although, I have to admit that, I feel flattered if people find me interesting or even beautiful enough to take a picture of me. And I need to feel like that sometimes, especially now, being all fat again. 

Anxiety vs. Pain

I'm feeling a bit better. Well, the anxiety is still there but I don't feel as desperate anymore. I of course can't say how the rest of the day will turn out but I'll just stick to my routines and hope that I can get some things done. Accomplisment makes you feel better, they say. Well, my little accomplishments are pathetic but at least I don't feel like I've totally wasted my day. 

I had an interesting discussion with my roomate this morning. Well, about an hour ago. I got up 11 a.m. so it's morning for me. Anway, we talked about benzodiazipines and how people get addicted to them. I don't have an addictive personality. I have tried out all the drugs in the book (not heroine though, a friend of mine died from an overdose when I was 12 years old so that was a real no-go drug for me) and I never felt the urge of taking them all the time or taking more of them. I have actually never in my life bought drugs. I only took them when someone was offering them to me, like at parties. I even drank a lot during my teenage-years (well, up to I was 25 or so), every weekend I was out  partying and drinking. When I was 13 I stole my parents' booze and drank a bit every night to be able to sleep. That period lasted a few weeks, then I got tired of the constant hangovers. But I never drank because I had to. And these days I rarely drink. Actually, the last time I drank some alcohol was on New Year's Eve. I just don't have a personality that is drawn to addiction. And it's the same with benzo (I mean, I am taking the weakest benzo that is out there and I haven't taken a pill in what, five months?!?). Yeah, I can get easily high from them because my body is really really over-sensitive to medication. But that's not what I want, I want the anxiety to go away. But I mostly avoid taking them because I don't want to take these pills daily for the rest of my life. That will only ruin my brain. But P had a good point, anxiety should be treated as pain. And if you have an illness that gives you constant pain, you get to take painkillers all the time. But if you have constant anxiety, they hestitate to give you sedatives. Why is that? Why is pain more accepted than anxiety? I mean, how many people commit suicide because they have pain? How many of them die? How many people commit suicide because they have anxiety? I really don't get why mental illness is treated so much different from physical illness.

It's raining. I like rain. Really, I should move to the UK, they get lots of rain there. Maybe it's because I don't feel guilty for not going out. No one else is doing anything outside anyway when it's raining. Or maybe it's just the calming noise of the rain splattering on my window. Who knows. 

Exhausted

I'm so exhausted. Totally gone in my head. But my body is still on high alert, stupid fucking anxiety just never stops. I have been able to avoid sedatives today, I don't know how. I'm really not doing too good. But I have been a good girl. I exercised, cleaned, cooked and spent time with my boyfriend. But I was kind of absent most of the time. I hate that I can't control this feeling of helplessness, that I can't just relax. I have been close to panic so many times today. I have dissociated. I have been apathatic and insanely tensed at the same time. My heart just never stops pounding like a freaking slash hammer.

I don't even know what I'm thinking. I don't know what's going on in my head. It feels empty. I don't think. But at the same time impulses and mental images pop up. The psych unit at the hospital, the urge to walk outside and just drown myself in the lake. The urge to just scream and tell everyone to leave me the fuck alone. I hate that my mind is driving me crazy. I love my mind, I love my intellect. But it's tricking me. GAH!

I'll most definetely take the other sleepingpill tonight. Propavan just isn't enough. I just want this day to be over. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. I can't have another day like this. Oh please. Well, or I'll just turn to the sedatives after all. I would love to get away from this state of mind.

Now that I think of it, there are a lot of triggers that could have caused me feeling like this. Lots of pressure and feeling of worthlessness. Things people said to me. Things that made me feel like a fucking loser.

I'll watch TV for another 30 minutes, then I'll take the Zoplicone and go to bed with a book. My awesome cat is staring at me right now, she probably wants to cuddle. I could use some cat-love right now.

Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety - how will it end

I'm not doing well. It's quite ironic because a friend just asked me on Facebook how I was doing and I said I'm alright. I just don't want to share my pain with people that I know. I mean, who wants to actually know how one is doing. No one ever replies that they are doing like shit and they'd rather be dead right now. Eh?

I'm a having a dangerous anxiety going on in my body and mind right now. I'm scared because it's the kind of feeling that made me end up in hospital a few times, this feeling of total powerlessness, a feeling that you just never want to feel again. This feeling that leads, let's face it, to suicide. It's like an inner restlessness, an inner turmoil. An inner tension. My jaw hurts because I unconsciously press my teeth together. I'm so close to tears. I'm close to just pacing up and down the hallway, screaming in fear. I don't know how to stop this. It's like it's boiling inside of me and at any moment all the pain will just come out of me. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. I  am so freaking restless because of it, just doing one thing after the other, I don't want to pause because then it will happen. I will be totally out of control. I hate this so much! 

The weird thing is that I don't know why I'm feeling like this right now. It's just random. I would be feeling so much better if I knew why. Am I being punished for something? What have I done wrong? What can I change so it will never happen again? I don't know.

All I want is for it to stop. I want the pain to go to away. Forever. Put me in a well, leave me alone, let me just get it over with. The worst thing that can happen right now is if I get attention. Then it will break out. I want to be left alone, I don't want anyone to know. My roommate is running around in the apartment and I'm just turning my back to him, starring at the computer-screen, not showing my face, not showing myself, not showing my pain. I'm ashamed for being so weak, for letting this fucking feeling take over me. I want to be strong, just wave it off, scream it in the face that I am not afraid, that I'm stronger than it is. But I'm not, I'm fucking weak. 

I so hope it won't get any worse. I rarely get impulsive but if the anxiety is like this, I do the most stupid things to make it stop. To never feel like this again. A doctor once said to me: "We know that you have anxiety, we can see it, but you have to live with it, there's nothing we can do": What if I don't want to live with it? What if it's eating me up? What if it's telling me to just jump out of the window of my apartment on the 6th floor? What if it wins? What if I am just not strong enough?

MAKE IT STOP! I am going insane.

I need a life

I still got a headache. I guess I need to take more painkillers although I really don't want to as they made me throw up yesterday. Blergh. I was supposed to meet my social worker today but we rescheduled, again. He only wanted to meet me today so we could call the psych center today. And as I done that already yesterday on my own, he preferred meeting on Friday instead. It's fine with me as I'm in a period right now where I really want to avoid meeting people. Honestly, there's some kind of manipulative force in me that really makes me come up with the lamest excuses so I don't need to see someone face to face. I actually haven't been out, like outside of my apartment, for over two weeks. It's really pathetic. And I know the less I go out, the harder it will be to go out in the future. Eh, but avoiding anxiety really sounds like a good idea to me right now.

The psych center called back yesterday and I got new prescriptions for my sleepingpills and sedatives. So that's good. But they couldn't see in their system if I'm on some kind of waitinglist or not. But I seem to be registered there otherwise I wouldn't have gotten the prescriptions. But I don't have a psychiatrist who is responsible for me. And I don't know if and when I'll meet a new therapist. So how exactly am I supposed to get better and get back into society? Huh? I don' have any valid sickpapers right now either. It doesn't matter so much because I don't get any money from anywhere anyway. But it would be good for my self-esteem. To have it black on white that I'm not lazy but ill. 

I'm going to take a painkiller now and then maybe exercise. My hyponchondriac thoughts tell me that I have meningitis. But I don't feel feverish. And it's a really uncommon illness. So I better take a painkiller so I don't get reminded of the headache and its causes constantly. My boyfriend is at the dentist and will probably get home in an hour or so. It would look good if I have exercised until then. 

I need a life ?!?

Painkiller-madness

My headache hasn't gotten any better. I forced myself to get some things done yesterday but in the evening I was just sitting in the dark livingroom, crying. It hurt so much and my anxiety got really high because of it. I was also really convinced that I had either meningitis or a brain tumor. My mind works in mysterious ways. And when I woke up this morning the pain was still there. Damn! But I have the best boyfriend in the world, he got me painkillers. So I have taken two painkillers and I am high! Well, not really high but it feels like I have cotton in my head. I'm a bit slow.  I'm so freaking sensitive to medication. I can get all messed up by two painkillers, the simple kind, the kind that you can get over the counter. So I am having a lollipop in my mouth and I'm listening to The Cure. My headache is still there but it's not as throbbing as it had been this mornng. I won't drink any coffee today, keep my smoking to the lowest possible and drink lots of water. And take two painkillers every four hours. I have started a war on my headache! HA!

I cancelled my appointment with my socialworker T. He'll come over tomorrow instead. I really need to talk to someone who is remotely professional so if the headache still hasn't given in I'll just take painkillers. I'm sure he'll have a good time, seeing my all high. Haha. I called the psych center myself today. I just got too worried about being out of medication soon. Of course I pressed the wrong number in the option-menu and got a totally unfriendly person on the line who told me to choose another option. Anyway, I chose the other option in the stupid menu, had to leave my phone number and social security number and now I'm waiting for them to call back. I don't even care about any sick-papers or getting to know if I'm still on any waitinglist. I need new prescriptions. I need my sleepingmedication. But I wonder if I'm really still registered there. Funny thing: I called and had to leave my number. And I had forgotten my own phone-number. I'm really messed up!

I got some clothes I had ordered last week delivered today. And they look awesome! It's a skeleton-dress and a tshirt with a zombie-cat. I like weird clothes!

I want harmony in my head

I have a headache. A really bad one. And I have no painkillers at home. Great. I could go to the pharmacy but that would take like an hour of preparation, at least. You know, I don't go out without having showered or wearing make-up. And then I need to smoke at least half a package of cigarettes because my anticipation-anxiety is so high. So I decided, no, I stay at home and suffer instead. It's all about setting priorities, which pain is stronger? Even though my headache is really bad, I really don't want to feel any extra-anxiety right now. 

I'm starting to worry about my prescriptions, I only have two weeks worth of medication left. My social worker told me that he couldn't reach anyone responsible at the psych-center. Damn. We'll try to call them together tomorrow. I need my prescriptions!!! That's really a huge worry for me. 

I had planned to have a productive day today. But really, I'm getting nothing done. I didn't vaccuum yesterday so I thought I'd do that today. I still haven't dyed my hair. I still haven't exercised. Or done my nails. Instead I have been fighting with my worries and with this stupid headache. Not to mention that I couldn't fall asleep last night and was still wide awake at 5 a.m.. Gosh, my life is so freaking meaningless. I wish this day would end soon. 

On a positive note: Margaret Thatcher is dead. Ding dong the witch is dead. Yup.

Ennui

My whole body is tensed, totally alert. I feel like as if I'm getting a seizure anytime soon. But I know it's just exhaustion. I still can't sleep, I still can't rest. I wonder if I should just try to not take a Propavan tonight. I can't get any worse than with the med. I'm so annoyed by this lack of proper sleep!

I spent the major part of yesterday with watching DVDs. My brain was all mushy afterwards. I couldn't focus so I just laid on back, starring at the ceiling. Great way to spend an evening. Not. We watched three episodes of "The Walking Dead". I was expecting it to be in C-quality. I love zombie-movies, especially the older ones from the 1930s, but let's face it, most zombie-movies are kind of trashy. But "The Walking Dead" is really well-made, it has a proper story. Then we watched "The Bourne Legacy". It's an okay movie. I'm starting to get tired of movies that all kind of have the same story and the same characters. There's a weak woman, a strong man and some kind of government-conspiracy. Dull.

I have sent in my applications for the two courses I'm planning to take during the autumn-semester. I chose Russian 1 and The History of Ideas 2. We'll see if I get in. It could be that I'm still  registered for the Master's program in literary studies which I started studying last semester but then had to go on a sick-leave. So I'm not too sure if I can actually study something else. Mmm. I'm quite satisfied with my choice of taking internet-based courses, I don't have to face my social anxiety and the isolation that's caused by my Avoidant Personality Disorder doesn't need to be broken. Ha! 

My plans for today are quite boring. I need to exercise and vaccuum. Then I'll have to finish an e-mail and a letter I've been writing. I just hope that my anxiety will stay on a tolerable level today. 

Saturday Blues

Saturday. I'm listening to David Bowie. My weekends aren't much different from the other days of the week. The only big difference is that my boyfriend is at home. Well, not really. Saturdays he's always out during errands, like grocery shopping. At the moment he's out to buy a table cloth for our kitchen table, then he'll meet up with a friend and then buy some catfood. His Saturdays really aren't that exciting either. Haha. 

I had a lot of dissociative anxiety yesterday, I was totally disconnected from reality. The first time I experienced dissociation I got really scared. I thought I was going into psychosis, everything around me seemed unreal, I seemed unreal, it was as if I was a ghost or something. Not in this world. But nowadays I'm not so scared of it anymore. I'm mostly annoyed by it because it keeps me from doing things. I'm just turning into a vegetable, looking apathetic to others. I have had so much anxiety and so many traumas in my life so my brain is really using it as defense-mechanism. Too much anxiety? Well, let's shut down all your feelings and put you into a state where you can't react to anything. Stupid brain!!!!

I don't really know how I'm doing today. I'm a bit off. And I feel a tad guilty because I ordered lots of clothes yesterday. But I really need those clothes! I have gained so much weight so that my clothes don't fit anymore. Remember the other day when I had stomach cramps? I think my underpants and my leggings were cutting into my flesh and pushed way too hard into my stomach. I bascially went from a size S in early 2011 to a XL in early 2013. I don't blame myself too much for it. Zyprexa made me gain a lot (!!!), I didn't move much under my months at the hospital and I had real trouble getting back into my routines. I eat for comfort and when I'm down. When I'm depressed it can go two ways: I either eat a lot of junk food and chocolate or I eat nothing at all. My exercise-routines have been really okay during the last two weeks though. Anyway, I needed those clothes: I ordered some basic black short skirts, some leggings and some underwear. Well, and a skeleton-dress, okay, I didn't need that one. But it was so pretty! Now I have about 1000 SEK (around 110 Euros) for the rest of the month. I still need new make-up and hair-dye. Gosh, I hate having zero-income! I'm a leach living off  my boyfriend's income. Guilt and shame!

Today I'll check out the university-courses again and see which ones I'll apply for. I could take two part-time courses. I don't know yet. My boyfriend says that I should take The History of Ideas 2 (it's kind of like philosophy) as I have already taken the basic course for it. But I want to learn Russian!! I still have another week to decide. I think we'll start watching the first season of "The Walking Dead" later today. Everybody has been talking about that series so I have to check it out. Uh, and I need to redye the blue in my hair.

Dull weekend ahead. 

Artificial Coma

Another night without much sleep. I fell asleep around 3 a.m. but woke up at 6, at 8 and at 9. I finally got up at 10 a.m. because I couldn't stand being in bed anymore. My cat was snoring next to me so I cuddled her a bit and then I started the new day. Not much has happened yet though. My roommate is awake but he is keeping to himself. He tends to run around in a bathrobe in the mornings and I don't know, it looks like he's naked under it. Haha. It's Friday and my boyfriend will be home from work one and a half hours earlier which is really nice. Until he gets here I want to clean up the place a bit, do the dishes and switch from pyjamas to a bra, a shirt and some leggings. Just so he doesn't see me as a lazy butt. 

I haven't planned much for the weekend. I guess we'll watch some DVDs. We'll maybe go and buy a new livingroom table as I got P's rent for April yesterday. That's actually my only income right now, the around 200 UsDollars (2000 SEK) that I get from P each month. And I spend that money on make-up and petrol for our car. I found a cheap and pretty livingroom table on the net so we'll go to the store and take a look at it. I don't get why livingroom tables are always so low, I want one that is high enough so I can have a meal in front of the TV without bending down and getting  a back pain.

I looked through my phone this morning and I found out that I haven't called or texted with anyone else than M for almost a month. Now that's pathetic!! Okay, I chat with people on Facebook but really, I haven't texted with a single person?!? What the heck do I have a cellphone for then? Pathetic! Then I realized that I haven't met a single friend since the end of January. I'm an expert at isolation. I sent myself into an exile. I'm pathetic.

When I think of the lack of sleep and the terrible anxiety I'm having these days, I think of my mate E that I met at a psych-unit I was admitted to last year. She's a really beautiful and smart person. She's suffering from GAD and often falls into deep depression. Poor girl got psychotic because of Seroquel (weird, eh? It's supposed to help you get rid of psychosis, not to give you one!) and smashed the front door of the unit, trying to escape. And she's really short and skinny. No idea where she got that power from. Anyway, so we were sitting in the TV-room of the unit and talked about anxiety and lack of sleep. And we both came to the conclusion that we would love to be put into an artifical coma for a few months, just so the body and the heart can get some rest. And to wake up rested! It's kind of weird that we both had thought of that before. I wonder if many people with anxiety have that wish, to be put into a coma for a time. It's kind of the light version of suicidality I guess. 

Studies

Another worthless day is coming to an end. I haven't done much. I exercised! So that's an improvement! I talked to a friend of mine from France who will be in Stockholm for a few days at the end of this month, with her family. And she wants to meet up. That's great and all but but but but .. how the heck am I going to survive that? My boyfriend probably can't drive me because he has to work so I'll have to take the subway. Something that I haven't done for months. So, take the subway, walk around in central Stockholm on my own and meet my friend. I really don't see it happen. But I have to, I don't want to come with some stupid excuse. Lots of sedatives isn't the solution either, I don't want to make a fool out of myself in front of her family. Damn.

I have been quite a hypochondriac today. I have had stomach cramps and I'm bloated. And now I'm almost convinced that I have ovarian cancer. I read an article about it yesterday so of course I now think that I have all the symptoms. Gosh, I'm so stupid! My grandma had ovarian cancer though and I know it's hereditary. I have never had a papsmear done so I guess I'll have to book an appointment. Just to be sure and to ease my thoughts. A woman should get a papsmear once a year anyway and I never had one done, so there is nothing strange about me getting an appointment. Eh?

I have been looking for internet-based university courses for the fall-semester. The application has to be in until the end of next week. I am still registered for the Master's program in literary studies but that's normal classes that I have to attend physically. And I don't see that happening. Last September I actually gave it a try for three weeks but then I was put on a sickleave. I just couldn't handle the social side of it, being in a room with 200 people while panicking inside isn't really the best position for learning. I also have trouble focusing. I wonder if my concentration will ever come back. I have always had problems with focusing but I still managed to study for an hour before having to take a break. Well, so I thought I'd take an online university class. Nothing that I need to pass, nothing that puts too much pressure on me. Just something to do, something that stimulates my intellect. So I have been looking at the offered classes and I am now torn between a course in philosphy B (I have already done A some years ago and it would be cool to take the B and write an actual paper on some interesting theory. But that's a really demanding course ...), Literature and existential questions ( sounds superinteresting to me) or maybe a language (they offer Russian, Chinese and Japanese, I could take any of those but I'm leaning towards Russian). So what to do? And what if I'm too bad during the fall and can't pass? I am not good at taking decisions!

Nope. Going to bed now. It's past 1 a.m.. I have taken my Propavan three (!!!) hours ago and I don't feel much from it. I have a bit less anxiety and I'm a bit drowsy. But not tired. Stupid stupid sleepingpills that don't do their job!! I guess I'll read for an hour and then try to sleep. Nighty night!

My anxieties have anxieties

Everything got out of hand yesterday evening. I had stomach cramps and my anxiety was sky-high. I still don't know where the stomach-cramps came from. They came either from my period (I doubt that though as they were more on the upper part of my stomach) or they were GAD-related (more likely). You know, I can actually feel the difference between my "anxieties". My GAD-anxiety is sneaky, always there and can sometimes just be physical symptoms that cause me to become a hypochondriac mess. Then there are panic attacks which are more sudden and that come up in certain situations. Then there's anxiety because of anxiety, the fear of getting anxiety. And anxiety because of my social anxiety. And sucicidal anxiety. And finally dissociative anxiety which is so fucked up that it leaves me in a state of apathy. Anyway, I think last night I had GAD-anxiety. I'm feeling a bit dizzy and off today which also often is a sign for too much worrying and underlying and constant anxiety. FUCK THIS!

As always, I didn't sleep to well. I was awake until 4 a.m. and woke up at 9 because my cat jumped around on me. Bless her, I love her, but damn! I haven't done that much yet, just my usual morning-routines. I just finished doing the dishes. I want to continue replying to an e-mail, then read and then exercise. We'll see how that goes.

I like my room mate. He leaves me alone. He doesn't bother me. He doesn't ask me how I'm doing. He doesn't give me that sort of negative attention that I hate getting. You know, when people feel sorry for you and want to help. That kind of attention just makes me feel vulnerable and inferior.

The sun is shining. I'm listening to Peter Murphy's "A strange kind of love" on repeat. I'm trying. I'm really trying.

I have to exercise. I'm so mad at myself at not having done that today yet. I know that I can't get myself to do it tonight.  All those stupid pills and hospitals stays during the last two years made me gain around 60 pounds! You know, I have always been overweight and then, in 2008, I finally did something about it and started exercising and just cut out all junk food and candy out of my diet. It took me two years to lose 90 pounds. And here I am, fat again. I have PCOS and that means that I have it extra-hard to lose weight because my metabolism doesn't work the way it should be. I'm so ashamed for having gained all that weight again. That's probably one of the reasons why I don't want to go out.

I'm so ashamed of my body. I haven't met any friend in months! Just my boyfriend and our roomate. I mean, I know that the main reason for not seeing my friends is the Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm really a textbook example, I have successfully isolated myself from physically meeting other people. But I think my shame about the weight-gain has something to do with it too. I'm so scared that someone will say something about the weight-gain, that people will talk behind my back about it. That I'll get weird looks, you know, the kinds of look where you know exactly that that person is judging you. You know what would be cool? A cloak that makes you invisible, like the one Harry Potter has. I'd love to have one of those!

One thing that really annoys me with all of this is that I'm aware that my weight-shame has a lot to do with what society and media tell us about  beauty. That we all need to be skinny to be beautiful. I have a boyfriend that loves me the way I am. Still, I want to have society's acceptance. That's really so stupid of me! I am so aware of the pressure and where it comes from. So I'm telling myself that I'm exercising to stay healthy. I'm actually exercising regularly, 30 minutes five to six times a week. But in secret, my main goal is to be thin and beautiful. Not for myself, but for others. When I weighted 120 pounds I still felt fat and tried to hide parts of my body. I still hated pictures of myself. So what the fuck is going on in my head?

And all that crap is just really strong in my thoughts right now because I haven't exercised today. My self-hatred has no limits. I HATE MY BODY!!!

Restlessness

I'm so freaking restless. I really can't focus. My anxiety level is really high and I can't get anything done. You know, every morning I think of the things I want to get done that day and I had big plans today. Well, not really. I wanted to exercise, I wanted to clean, I wanted to reply to some emails, I wanted to read. But I'm doing everything half-assed. 

I tried to do the dishes but I was shaking too much from the anxiety so I gave up on it. So my day has been so far exactly the opposite of what i had planned. It's all just pathetic. Others do the things I had planned and still work or study full-time. I'm such a loser! I hate my anxiety so bad right now! 

The sun is shining. I should probably go out. But I'm so restless from the anxiety, I feel like my whole body is twitching. I'm hungry so I guess I'll cook some lunch/dinner soon. It's 4 p.m. and all I have had today was some breakfast. My boyfriend will come home from work soon.

At least I managed to take a shower and put some clothes on. I would have felt really guilty if I was still running around in my PJs when my boyfriend came home after an 8 hours work-day. Really, my life is all about shame, guilt and anxiety.

I wish I had an idea where the anxiety is coming from today. What caused it? I've been told that anxiety always has a cause. Well, it must have been the bad sleep and the nightmares then. Great, nothing I can do about that. 

This is a bad day. I wish it was over soon. 

Insomnia - always the same

I've always had trouble sleeping, even as a child. We were living on top of the restaurant that my parents rented (didn't own it) and I could hear all the drunks singing and shouting during the night. But that wasn't the only reason why I couldn't sleep. My mind just never shut down. I was thinking, thinking, thinking. I remember walking around in the dark house, even going outside into the garden, wandering around in my pyjamas. I often had nightmares. I think it had a lot to do with the fear that I had of my father. He was beating us and the beatings often happened in bed. He went angry, we were afraid and hid in bed. So he came to our room (me and my sister's) and beat us. So maybe I connect the bed and sleeping with violence? I don't know.

Last night I only took one Propavan (sleepingpill). I also have another sleepingpill (Zoplicone) but I don't know when I'll get a new prescription for that as I don't have a psychiatrist right now. So I only take that one twice a week or so. The nights I only take Propavan I have trouble falling asleep. The pill isn't supposed to make you fall asleep, it's supposed to make you sleep through the night without waking up. It doesn't have that effect on me anymore though. I've tried sleeping without Propavan but then I get cramps and seizures! I remember waking up one night, shaking all over my body and not being able to stop it. Crazy! So I continue taking Propavan, so I won't get those withdrawal-symptoms and because it actually has a slight sedative effect.

Soooo, last night I took a Propavan, as I always do. I woke up at least once every hour. I went to bed at 2 a.m. and got up at 9 a.m.. That isn't too bad, eh? Well, I don't feel rested at all. I had terrible nightmares and I only get those nightmares during the nights I take only the Propavan and not the Zoplicone. Really fucked up dreams.

So last night I dreamt: I was being raped by my stepfather or some kind of person that held me captured. I just had the feeling that that person was a stepfather. Everytime I hadn't cleaned well or he didn't like the meal I had cooked, he raped me. Then I dreamt that I had sex with my roommate and that my boyfriend caught us and chased us with a gun, trying to shoot us. And then I dreamt that I was under water and I couldn't breathe. Something was holding me down. That's when I finally woke up.

I don't believe in dream-analysis, especially not Freudian. I know that I get these nightmares because of the stupid Propavan. So now I'm all shaken up, anxious and tired. I wish I could just for one night sleep without waking up and having terrible nightmares. I wish I could fall asleep within half an hour instead of laying awake for at least two hours. I wish I had better sleepingpills!

Hello Darkness, my old friend

Hello! This is my first entry! I'm not new to the world of blogs. I actually have two more blogs, one in Swedish and one about a hobby. But in those two blogs I don't really feel like I can be myself. People who know me read them and that kind of makes me a bit more restrictive when it comes to what I want to share about myself, my feelings and my thoughts. So I decided to start an anonymous blog where I can be me without being judged by the people I know. I don't mind being judged by strangers and I might get the odd mean comment but I just can't stand being judged and getting hurtful comments by people I know. That's one of the main reasons why I have decided to start an anonymous blog. I also think that I can be way more uncandid and open this way.

You can read all about me in the "About Me"-section (doh!), about my illness in the "Diagnosis"-section and about what's going on in my life in the "My Week"-section.

I don't know if this blog will be of any interest to people but I hope that I can somehow show other people with mental illness that they are not alone. That's what the blog-world has done for me so far. I don't feel as lonely with my problems.

I'll voice my opinion and I expect that not everyone will agree with what I have to say. And that's fine, I won't censor any comments. But please don't threaten me or get mean. I want my blog to be a civil place. If you can't discuss something in a friendly tone then you aren't worth listening to.

I will not only write about my mental illness, my daily struggle and feelings, I will also write about what I'm up to, my life in general and my opinions about certain subjects. I am not afraid of voicing my opinions and I'm an atheist, a feminist and a socialist. Yeah.

You won't get any pictures of me. Sorry. Someone might recognize me. But I promise you: I'm really really pretty. Haha.