My wedding day. Anxiety-hell

I got married two days ago. But I've been doing so badly with the damn restlessness in my legs that I couldn't be bothered to  write a post about it. Actually, I have gotten so far in my thoughts that I would like to surgically remove my legs. It's just driving me insane. I don't think this will ever go away so hopefully I'll get used to it with time. I could take sedatives because they tend to help but how is that a solution? Right, now I've started this with a lot of complaining again. All I wanted was to write about my "wedding".

So we had booked an appoointment at the town house/citizen center at 4 p.m. on Thursday. We didn't want any huge celebration or an actual party. There were three reasons for that: 1. we didn't have the money to actually host a party with a venue, music and food  2. I just didn't want my dad to be there because that would have meant that I had to dress and behave the way he wants to, and I didn't want my mum to be there because she would have overdone it. I mean, she called me the day before we got married and asked if I was going to have any flowers. It would look beautiful on the wedding-pictures. Erm, no. and 3. I have social anxiety and I just wouldn't have been able to get through a whole day where the focus is on me. I can't even meet friends or take the subway, how could I  able to survive my own wedding? So yeah, it was only me and my boyfriend.

I spent two hours to fix myself up. I didn't want to be overdressed. I just wanted to look "proper" and beautiful for my boyfriend. I wasn't overdressed, I looked goth but wasn't looking like I was on my way to the clubs. I was quite satisfied with the way I looked although I would have loved to weight around 20 kg less. I had terrible spasms in my arms and legs and felt really weak. I could barely stand on my legs. I started to worry that I had gotten some serious nerve damage due to the meds. That caused me some extra-anxiety. I was already anxious about the whole procedure. I had expectation-anxiety: I was imagining myself throwing up in front of a lot of people because of anxiety, or just running away because of a panic attack.

So I wasn't happy and excited. I guess that's what most people are on their wedding-day. I just wanted to get it over with and get back home. The spasms were painful, my legs were so weak and I had a lot of anxiety. So we drove to the place, walked in there (I actually had to wear socks in my high-heels because of some weird reason, my feet have shrunken and my shoes were too big all of the sudden. But as I was wearing black stockings, no one could really see it). I was shaking and just wanted to get out of there. I tried so hard to focus on my boyfriend so I wouldn't totally panic. You know, I wanted to marry him. I just wasn't happy about the whole procedure, me having to go out, having to actually be present and all that. I would have preferred to do it over the internet, some clicks and done. It has nothing to do with that I'm not romantic. Actually, while writing this post I discussed the issue with my boyfriend. I would (and he as well) have been much happier, more content, more excited about getting married via the internet. I wish that option would have been avaiable. So I didn't have to deal with all the negative symptoms of my illnesses. I hate anxiety and it kind of has destroyed my wedding day. But I hadn't expected anything else.

Anyway, we walked in there and there was this huge waiting area with wooden benches. And there were at least 50 people sitting, waiting for their appointment with the social services, the health insurance and the police. We were told to sit down somewhere and wait. So that was when the little bit of romantic feeling that I had got killed. Instead panic won! I was sitting there, my legs were involuntarily moving and I had the big urge to just run away. I focused on my boyfriend, held his hand, stared at the floor. I didn't even think about that I was getting married. I was indifferent to the whole thing. I started to dissociate and still damn worried about my legs just giving up on me. I wanted to get home. I hated the children staring at me. I was convinced people were whispering about us. I wanted to get away.

After about 15 minutes we got called in to a room. It looked like a room that was barely used. It was really dark in there. No one had bothered to turn the lights on I guess. Two women and a man followed us in. The man was the wedding officiant, the other two were witnesses to sign the papers. They didn't ask us for our ID-cards, nothing. We gave them all our papers, they got stamped, things were printed out. Then he asked us if we wanted to have the long or the short version. We both replied silmuntanously "short". You know, my boyfriend has anxiety iusses too and he was white as a ghost. I was worried he would faint or just throw up. Anyway, he asked us if we wanted to marry each other. We said yes. He said that we could exchange rings now. We didn't have any rings. He signed the papers. We didn't have to sign anything. We shook hands. We asked him to take a picture of us (my mum would have KILLED me if there hadn't been a picture). And that was that.

Then we went to sit in the car and smoke a cigarette. We kissed and both said that we were glad that it was over. We didn't want the "getting married" thing, we just wanted "to be married". So now we are married. We went home and had some cake. We got tons of phone-calls, sms, cards and Facebook-messages that day. Honestly, we counted, over 250 people contacted us. I have a lot of friends because I have lived in two countries and my family is huge. So yeah. Anyway, think if all those people would have come to our wedding. It would have been terrible for me. We later just sat on the bed and watched two movies. We ate junk food. We cuddled the cats. That's what makes me happy. Being together with my little family. Not a huge fake-romantic party!

So I'm married now. It doesn't feel any different to just being together. I have handed in papers to change my last name to my husband's (how weird it is to write "husband") and they said it will only take a few days for it to be approved. So I'll get rid off the name that connects me to my father. It will be the best feeling in the world, to see my  new name on an envelope. It's like finally getting my dad out of my life. He actually called me on my wedding-day. We maybe talked for a minute and he congratulated me. I was surprised about that. In some way I was happy that he at least had the decency to call. My mum had texted me all day long and we talked on the phone a few times. My brother wrote to me on Facebook and my sister and I skyped for an hour the next day. So my family didn't forget about me, despite all the shit that is going on right now with the divorce of my parents. 

I'm happy to be married. I think. I'm actually still a bit indifferent which has a lot to do with the weird spasms, the restlessness, the anxiety. I haven't had a moment where I could actually feel what it's going on inside of me. So yeah, my illness has destroyed my wedding-day for me. I couldn't focus on being happy. But it doesn't matter. I have done it, it's behind me and our relationship is in a new phase now. Sadly enough we didn't have any wedding-sex. We never have sex anyway. So yeah.

After a week of silence

My last entry is from a week ago which is kind of shocking because I have so much to talk about and so many thoughts in my head. So I guess you'll get more than one entry today. You are all so lucky! Haha. My mum has left two days ago and I'm enjoying the freedom of being on my own. My boyfriend is still off from work but around him I can be myself. When someone else is in the same apartment, I always have to put my mask up and pretend that I'm alright. Really, only with my boyfriend I can be myself. I can't believe that he has actually stayed with me through all these years of poverty, depression, suicide attempts, throw backs and drama. This is one of the reasons why I have agreed to marry this man. Because he knows me. He knows how bad I can be doing. He hates my mental illness and he often says that he can't take it anymore. But still, he stays with me. And he has learned to give me my space. He knows that I HATE if people give me attention when I'm not doing well. So yeah, around him I can be myself. And use the bathroom without closing the door, run around in my underwear, without make-up. As nice it was to have my mum here to visit us, it was also really exhausting and I'm glad that things are back to normal now.

Last weekend we spent on the beach here at Alby lake. The lake is just around the corner from where we live, it's a two minutes walk from our building. I'm not so much into summer, beach, sunshine. I actually hate it. It has a lot to do with my body-issues. I have gotten really FAT and I would never show myself to anyone in a bathing suit. And no, I'm not whining, I think I weight between 90 and 95 kg so I'm actually obese. We packed down a blanket and some water and just went down to the beach. The first day we only sat there and enjoyed the view over the lake. We walked through the water with our bare feet and later sat down, smoked a few cigarettes and watched other people. There were two huge parties going on. One was some kind of Nigerian wedding and the other ones was a Sri Lankian party with a band and everything. The next day my mum and my boyfriend packed their bathing clothes and actually swam in the lake a few times. I was listening to music and reading a magazine and randomnly talking to a guy next to me. I love water, it always calms me down. I don't think I have ever had a panic attack close to water. I come from a sea town and I am used to the soothing sound water makes, the wind, the birds. So I actually enjoyed myself. It was a bit too hot for me though and on the way I got a minor panic attack because of that. I have low blood pressure and the hot sun tends to make me dizzy and that caused the panic.

My boyfriend and me at the lake on Saturday (I usually don't post pics of myself but you can only see my fat ass so I'm fine with it)

On Monday it was my boyfriend's birthday. We left in the morning and took the car to Mariefred. That's a small but cute town about 100 km South-West of Stockholm. We wanted to visit Gripsholms Castle which is one of the royal castles. It was so hot that day! USH! First we walked around the castle, looked at runestones they had dug up there and checked out the premisses.

One of the runestones. I love Swedish runestones. They always tell a story. I particulary love this one with the beautiful snake. It's about someone dying in a war.

They are really old, this one was from the 11th century. 

View from the castle-premisses over Mariefred. So beautiful!

It was quite expensive to get into the castle but we really wanted check it out. The castle is known for its huge collection of portraits from the 16th century and onwards. There are over 4000 paintings in the castle. The castle was built in the 16th century and has since then been part of the series of royal castles and has been rebuilt many times. For a while it was a prison.. It was so beautiful! We walked around the different rooms, looked a the paintings, the interior, the painted and decorated ceilings, the wallpaper, the beds, the prison-cells, the tower. I think we were in the castle for over three hours. Unfortunately you weren't allowed to take any pictures inside the castle. But many of the paintings were so wonderful and it was awesome to see the changes through the years, in the clothes of the people portrayed, in the style of the paintings. I really loved the castle. I think my favourite room was the theatre. They had their own theatre! It was so serene and beautiful. 

The inner courtyard with a wishing well in the middle

The castle from the back

Then we went for a walk in the park, looked at statues and the beautiful (but small) garden. It was really hot so we spend some minutes on a bench in the shadows. We then walked over to Mariefred. It wasn't a long walk but in the hot sun it was quite exhausting. Mariefred is such an idyllic and calm place. The center is exactly how someone would imagine a Swedish town would look like. There are only around 3000 people living there but many tourists were in town. Many of the movies based on Astrid Lindgren's children-books were filmed in Mariefred. We checked out all the small cute shops and finally found a place where we could have lunch. I had the most yummy smoked salmon. We sat outside, just looking at people passing by and later had some coffee and cake. We walked to the lake-side and there I found my favourite place in Sweden so far. It was so calm! There were all the small red and yellow houses in the back and there was open water. You could hear the water splash on the stones of the beach. It was so calm! There were barely any people around. I felt so calm and it was such an intense feeling. I really loved that spot. Anyway, later we walked back to the car and because I was so tired and it was so hot, I was quite anxious and really only wanted to get back home. 

The town house of Mariefred

My favourite spot

The last day of my mum's visit we spent mostly at home. We just went grocery shopping. My mum wasn't feeling too well. I think she realized that she had to get back home, to her problems, to the divorce, the money-problems and all that. So we just hung out, watched a movie, cooked lunch and my mum later took a walk to the lake. And then on Wednesday we drove her to the airport. I talked to her today and she is ill. She has a uterus-infection and high fever. She has gotten bacteria from somewhere. I assume it's from the lake. I guess I'm lucky I didn't take a swim in there.

It was all a bit overwhelming for me, to have her around, to be out so much. Yes, I have had some nice moments and but my social anxiety blossomed up many many times. The worst was when we were having lunch in Mariefred and there were these two teenagers who couldn't stop staring at me. Eventually I had to switch seats with my mum, I couldn't take it anymore. But I must say that I'm proud of myself. I managed to go out a few times, I didn't complain and I saw some interesting and beautiful things. Who knows, maybe I'll even have the guts to go down to the lake by myself, with a book and some music. But I doubt that. The week with my mum was quite exhausting and I really need to rest a few days now. Today my boyfriend started a fight with me because he wants to do something "special" on our wedding day. Like eating out or taking a trip. But I don't want that. I want to be calm and happy and not anxious on that day. I want to focus on him and our love and not be overly aware of all the people staring at us because we are overdressed at a cheap restaurant. I think he has understood that now after he talked to his sister on the phone. She has social anxiety too and totally understands what I mean. I need rest, sleep and time on my own (plus with my two cats and my boyfriend) during the next few days. I'll read, write, play stupid Facebook-games and watch movies and series. That's exactly what I need!

Restless

It's another hot day and I'm starting to get annoyed. Well, my skin is annoyed already. It's itching. We haven't had rain for seven weeks! Oh well, at least we are having a proper summer. I'm drinking some ice-coffee. I didn't have vanilla ice-cream or whipped cream so I used chocolate ice-cream and milk. It's tasty anyway.  T, my social worker, was here today. I hadn't seen him since the beginning of June because I once cancelled on him, he once cancelled on me and then he was on his four week long summer-vacation. We sat on the balcony and just talked. He fell  in love with our new kitten. He couldn't take his eyes of the cat, cuddled him, played with him and blantly said he wants to steal the kitten. Haha. I updated him a bit on the events in my life. He told me to talk with my psychiatrist about doing a proper plan about what to do when he has left the center. Because I probably will end up without a psych-contact for a few months again. It was good to see T again. I somehow need to be social. I like talking with people. I love discussions. Today I especially hate my social anxiety!

I'm still on the Seroquel. Yesterday I was dizzy all day long and I felt really weird and uncomfortable. It just felt like there was poison in my veins. It was terrible. But I was somehow more focused. I could read for hours, I wrote a few poems and I even vaccuumed the whole apartment. Today I feel really restless, especially in my legs. I'm close to going insane! Moving the legs doesn't help. I exercised for 30 minutes and still, restless. I hope this is only temporarily. I remember that being on Zyprexa caused me restless legs too. And Abilify even gave me akathisa. That was terrible! I hope this restlessness will not turn into that state. Anyway, so far, although it's quite annoying, I can handle the restlessness. I mean, for weeks I have had the same kind of sensation while I was trying to reduce the Propavan. The dizziness has almost disappeared. I felt a bit dizzy this morning but it wasn't as bad as the last two days. I have kind of lost my appetite and can't eat much. Really, the thing that I'm most concerned about right now is this restlessness.

I have also had some positive effects: Seroquel helps me fall asleep. I am knocked out within 45 minutes by it. It also takes away the nightmares I usually have from the Propavan. I feel alright when I wake up. So I'm not giving up on this yet. I have decided to at least take it until Monday. I'll call my psychiatrist and discuss with him what to do. I hope the restlessness and the uncomfortable feeling has disappeared by then. 

My boyfriend is off from work for three weeks now. It feels good to know that I won't have a lot of lonely moments in the next few weeks. 

Right back to the beginning

I gave up. I'm back on the full dosage of my sleeping medication. I don't really know if that was the right decision but I just couldn't take the restlessness and increased anxiety anymore. I even tried to take half a Valium the other day but I didn't feel anything from it. So next time I'll try a whole Valium. I guess I really shouldn't play around with my meds like that. Anyway. The restlessness is gone. And although I have anxiety it isn't dissociative anxiety. I think that's what I had while taking less of the Propavan, I was totally gone. But now the side-effects have returned. I have a huge lack of energy, I'm basically constantly hungover. It feels like I've gone from 100 to 0 in levels of energy. I have weird dreams again. I'm so dry in mouth and nose. And I can't say that I'm sleeping better. I think I'm sleeping a bit more, maybe three hours more. But I still wake up a lot and that's what the Propavan is for, to let me sleep through a night without waking up constantly. Anyway, at least the restlessness is gone. And I'll use the advice one of the doctors are the hospital gave me once: exercise so the Propavan leaves the system quicker. So I'll exercise soon. And hopefully I'll get out of this lethargic state. Honestly, I don't think I could have taken one more day with only the half dosage. It just wasn't the right time to get off the Propavan. But one day, one day in the future I'll get rid of it!

So things are back to "normal". My boyfriend is back at work and I'm on my own most of the time. I have two cats to take care of instead of one. And I'm kind of constantly checking what they are doing. Yesterday they actually cuddled and slept together. I was so happy about that! Apart from that I'm really doing nothing. It's always the same: before going to bed I'm thinking of all the things I want to get done the next day but when the next day comes I just can't deal with anything. I don't really know what I'm spending my days with. Tidying up the apartment, cooking, the internet, cats. I've kind of reached a state of lethargy and indifference. I don't care if it's a new day. I don't want to be challenged. Everybody should just leave me alone. I'll just sit here and wait for death, if it comes tomorrow or in 40 years, I don't care. 

I'm really upset with myself. I know that social contact is good for me. It gives me more self-confidence. And I need someone to penetrate my isolated and subjective way of thinking. I just know it's important for me. But because of my "whatever"-attitude right now I just can't be bothered to actually go out and meet other people. My friend A is the only person who still makes an effort. No one I know in real life has contacted me in, mmmm, maybe two months?!? A has written to me on Facebook two days ago. He just wanted to know how I was doing. But I know that if I reply to him he'll ask me if we can meet up. He used to be something like my best friend for a while. I just CAN'T meet him. I want it so bad. I want to have fun, discuss things, laugh, give him advice, get intellectually challenged. But nope. I don't reply to his message. Instead I'm really frustrated with myself, and at the same time I tell myself that this has been my own voluntarily choice, I don't want to meet other people. Lethargy. I'm better off with just my boyfriend and my two cats. I'm not. I'm lonely. So damn lonely. 

But yeah, next week I have things planned, the week after that my mum will come to visit us for a few days, my boyfriend's birthday (which will be a sad one because no one of us has money for anything :/) and then we'll get married (we can't afford rings but whatever). Yeah.

Mad cats

For once I can start an entry with something positive. We have a new kitten!! So now we have two cats. B, our "old" cat (she's only 2 1/2 years old), is a lovely calm cat. She's all black and has yellow eyes. I really love her. She loves to cuddle and always demands lots of attention. For the last three months or so we have been discussing to get a second cat. First off because we love cats. Honestly, if I had a castle with lots of land I'd probably have dozens of cats. I'd be the crazy cat lady! And secondly, B maybe needs a playmate. I'm at home all the time so it's not that she would be lonely otherwise. It's more like she seems bored a lot, even when we play with her. Sooooo. On Saturday we saw an ad on the internet for a 12-weeks-old kitten and the owners lived close to where we live. So Anders gave them a call and an hour late he entered our front door with our new family member, T. We don't know if the cat is a he or a she though. The owners said that it's a female but me and my boyfriend are really convinced about that the kitten has some balls and a penis down there. Haha. We'll see. The kitten is so cute and so playful and curious! T doesn't like to be touched too much yet so we'll give it time. The kitten loves to play though and isn't scared of anything. And he/she sleeps in our bed with us. We were a bit afraid that B and T wouldn't get along and in the beginning they were not really nice to each other. I think B got really scared (she's always a bit shy in the beginning) and they were mostly shushing each other. But T got really comfortable right away, played with everything he/she could find and B was stalking the kitten. Now they have played with each other a few times, like chasing each other, they smell at each other, their little noses have touched a few times and they eat next to each other. They are not scared of each other at all. They are basically around each other all the time. So it looks really good after just two days! My boyfriend is a bit allergic to T but he was like that with B in the beginning too so hopefully that will pass. Having a small kitten around is like the best thing for depression! T is so cute! And I'm checking on them all the time, seeing if they have made any progress in their friendship. I'm a happy cat-mama!

Oooops, that was a lot of talk about the cats. I'm just so happy and excited about it all! Anyway, I'm still on the half dosage of Propavan. On Sunday I was basically a mess. I had slept like 30 minutes during the night. And I was close to just take a taxi to the hospital. I took sedatives but they didn't help. My boyfriend was so worried about me. Then yesterday I was doing a tad better because I decided to take a Zoplicone and the half Propavan in the evening. I woke up way too early so I took an Atarax (I hate antihistamines, they never help for my anxiety, they just give me terrible hangovers) and it knocked me out. I felt bad during the day. But then I had a long talk with my boyfriend, B and T bouncing around us. That helped. I had then decided to just take the whole dosage of the Propavan again. I just couldn't take the anxiety, the low mood and the restlessness anymore. I was convinced that one more day of this and I'd try to kill myself.

But then it all turned all of the sudden. An hour later my anxiety had vanished, I was calm and content. I could focus on writing a letter and reading a book. I don't know what happened!?! Maybe the worst is over?!? So I only took the reduced dosage again last night, and a Zoplicone. And I woke up without anxiety! Say what?!? Right now I'm doing a bit worse, I'm quite restless and I have a bit of anxiety. But it's on a level I can handle. 

I won't stop taking the Propavan altogether any time soon. My boyfriend suggested another month with the dosage I'm on right now. Maybe that's reasonable. But I'm glad I didn't go back to my old dosage again. I can always do that if I feel like I'm out of it. Tonight I'm going to try to sleep without a Zoplicone. That might make things worse again. I feel like I'm experimenting but how else am I going to get through this? I don't feel like my psychiatrist can help me with this. He doesn't know how I react to meds anyway.

One thing makes me really sad right now. It's summer. Here in the Stockholm area we have 25-30°C and the sun is shining. And it has been like this for two weeks now. But I don't go out. People go and swim in the lakes, meet up in parks for a beer in the shadow, go on walks in nature, have barbecues. I hate Facebook right now, seeing tons of pictures of happy people enjoying summer. But I don't go out. I would want to want to go out. It's so difficult to explain. I want to be like everyone else. No, wrong, I want to be like I used to be. I went out sometimes, never spontanous, but still, I went out. I went to the beach in the evenings. I was invited to barbecues. Now? I haven't left the apartment once in a A WHOLE MONTH! It's summer damn it. Gosh, I hate myself. I really would want to want to go out. I want to have the confidence, the strength, the stability to be around other people. This makes me so sad. I'm pathetic. My life is pathetic. I'm missing out on my own life. 

Gloomy Day

The anxiety is overbearing today. I'm so restless, I can't focus on anything. I just want it to stop! The weather is grey, cold and rainy today. And I kind of like it, it's mellow and calm. No screaming kids outside. I don't think there is a noise more annoying than screaming kids. I have the strong desire to just crawl back into bed, fall asleep and just forget about this day. Really, I hate waking up in the morning, knowing that there is a new day to tackle, a new day with lots of anxiety, crying and meaningless routines.

T was here yesterday and we called the psych-center together. They called me back later that day and finally  admitted that it was kind of wrong to just drop me like that, to let me go without any psych-contact for months even though it says in my file that there is a high suicide-risk. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday. I have never met that guy so I'll keep an open mind. I don't have a lot of good experiences with psych-doctors, they are often condescending and somewhat mean. But I don't need anything special so I have nothing to worry. I'll put all my energy into getting into the psychodynamic therapy. I don't think medication will help me much because I'm over-sensitive to meds. So I'll only ask if he has any other suggestion when it comes to sleepingpills because the Propavan doesn't do shit anymore. And I'll ask for some new sick-papers as mine were only valid until the end of March. It's not like I'll get any money from anywhere but it would feel better to have it black on white that it's okay that I'm not doing anything right now. I often feel like a burden, a lazy ass, because all I'm doing is being at home. So I don't know, it would feel good to have it acknowledged that I'm actually ill.

When it comes to meeting psychiatrists I'm always extra-careful. The biggest fear I have is to be admitted to the hospital against my will, to have most of my rights taken away from me. You know, when you are going to a GP and you try to exaggerate a bit so you are taken seriously? Well, I would never do that with a psychiatrist. I think I'll sit down tomorrow night and just write down some things that I want to take up so I'm not sitting there saying nothing or actually blasting out the truth. The truth is that I'm at my worst for this year so far. But I'll try to sugar-coat that. Better be prepared.

The appointment is at 9 a.m. which basically is the middle of the night for me. My boyfriend will take some hours off from work so he can drive me. I didn't ask him to do that, he suggested it. And I guess otherwise I really wouldn't have been able to make it there. Taking the subway, in the middle of the night and meeting a new psychiatrist? And I haven't been out of the flat for a month. So yeah, I'm grateful that he offered to help me. 

There have been some riots in the suburb I'm living in. It all started in another suburb of Stockholm but it kind of spread. So young guys set cars on fire and crush windows. Very mature. So we have now upgraded the insurance on our car, so we won't lose a lot of money in case someone decides to set the garage on fire. I understand the young guys, I know what alienation is like, I know what poverty is like. I just don't think riots and violence are the way to go. But no one asks me so why bother?

In Control

I'm doing alright right now. I'm just a bit exhausted and hungover. And tired. I can't believe that I have been able to enjoy myself yesterday. All social activities are often connected to panic attacks and anxiety for me. But yesterday it went quite alright.

We went to see Fields of the Nephilim last night. That's a gothrock-band, there are basically two big gothrock bands which have been around forever: Sisters of Mercy and Fields of the Nephilim. So I just had to go, I didn't want to miss the concert. I of course had the typical breakdown when I realized that all of my clothes made me look like a whale but I eventually got over it. And it was fun to style myself up, to back-comb my hair, to use fake eye-lashes and to put on lots and lots of make-up and jewelry. I have missed that, looking beautiful. 

When we arrived at the venue, we ran into people we know right away. That was the one thing I had been most afraid of, to meet friends and mates. Many of them I hadn't seen in many many months. But everyone came up to us, hugged us, talked to us. And I got to hear more than once how happy people were to see me. I felt loved! I had been convinced that people had forgotten about me but apparently they hadn't. They were all concerned about my health but I said that I was alright, that I hadn't been at the hospital for months. And I didn't say more about it. 

During the concert I was standing next to my friend V. I love that girl so much! First off, she is so beautiful! There are always guys hitting on her which really isn't making her boyfriend all too happy. But really, she is the nicest, smartest and most honest person I know. She has mental illness too so I don't feel like I need to hide something in front of her. I hadn't seen her in almost a year which is really crazy! Anyway, we were dancing, drinking and just having a good time. But ah, my feet and my back hurt bad after a while. I should have chosen better shoes. Oh well. The concert was great, the show was actually sold out and people were really enjoying themselves. 

Now I'm thinking about if I should push myself more or if the good mood I was in yesterday was just an exception. I was close to panic a few times but I was in control. I don't know. I'm invited to a party next Saturday, at J's place. The thing is that my boyfriend is going out with some old schoolfriends that night so I would have to go alone. And I don't think I can handle it. I could take a cab to J's place but really, that would be just a waste of money. And taking the subway on my own on a Saturday night, I rather not do that. We'll see, I probably won't go.

This week one of my favourite authors, Ben Okri will be at some kind of discussion on alienation. It's for free so I think I'll most definetely go there. My boyfriend has most of the week off from work due to May 1st (worker's day). So he could come with me. I'd love to get one of my books by Okri signed. And then there are the May-demonstrations/protests, I might go with the socialist party. So there are things that I could do this week. Maybe I should just push myself. Haha, I'm sure that in a few hours I'll break down and give up on everything again. All the love that I felt yesterday has given me a high but it's dangerous to crash from a high to a really low. And that's what always happens.

Blah

I had a terrible day yesterday. I really didn't get anything done, I mostly just stared at the TV, trying to not lose my mind. I guess my pms is a bad combination with the increased anxiety I have been having lately. I felt totally unmotivated, thought everything was useless and meaningless. So I tried to distract myself with watching the end of Season 2 of "The Walking Dead" and the movie "Changeling". 

Today I'm not much better but I really need to come out of this state of nothingness. So I baked chocolate buns this morning for breakfast (German recipe) which turned out great. They were really appreciated by my boyfriend and my roommate. I have cleaned a bit and I'll soon exercise for half an hour. Then I need to dye my sides red. I bleached them the other day and today my boyfriend finally fetched my Manic Panic hairdye from the post office. I order them online although there are some stores that sell not too far away from where I live. I've really come up with a lot of strategies to avoid to go out. That's probably nothing to be proud of. Another thing not to be proud of: I ate chocolate for breakfast. There was a lot of left-over chocolate after I had baked the buns. And I stuffed my face with it. I don't know if that's the pms or if it was just another binge-eating attack. I'm not diagnosed with any eating disorder but having PCOS makes you crave sugar a lot. So yeah. 

I'll have to go through my clothes and find something to wear for the concert tomorrow night. I haven't been out "partying" for months. So I'm really nervous about tomorrow. I'll have some sedatives in my bag, just in case. What I'm mostly scared about is meeting all the people I know. Some of them I haven't seen in a year and damn, I've gained so much weight in that year, I'm really fat compared to when they last saw me. I'll need to be social, hug people, talk to people. I don't want to! But maybe it will give me a boost. But what I really want is an invisibility cloak like the one Harry Potter has. Just throw it on, stand in a corner, enjoy the concert, without getting any attention. How great wouldn't that be? So, I'll spend my afternoon with looking for clothes, feeling fat and probably ending up with a dress that just hides my body. Or just something plain. I don' t know. Gosh, I should be excited about tomorrow night and not all anxious. 

I think we'll watch "The Hobbit" tonight. Something to distract myself with. Yay. My roommate will leave soon because he has a "black" job this weekend. Actually, I didn't even know that he was at home. He had said yesterday that he'd sleep over at a friend's. So I have been running around in my underwear and had just put on some clothes when he came out of his room. I would have died of embaressment if he had seen me in my underwear. My boyfriend is sleeping. My cat is sitting on the balcony. And as always, I'm the one being awake, restless, anxious. Gah. Nope, I'll stop whining now and start exercising. I need to burn off the calories from my chocolate-breakfast. Yeah.

I need a life

I still got a headache. I guess I need to take more painkillers although I really don't want to as they made me throw up yesterday. Blergh. I was supposed to meet my social worker today but we rescheduled, again. He only wanted to meet me today so we could call the psych center today. And as I done that already yesterday on my own, he preferred meeting on Friday instead. It's fine with me as I'm in a period right now where I really want to avoid meeting people. Honestly, there's some kind of manipulative force in me that really makes me come up with the lamest excuses so I don't need to see someone face to face. I actually haven't been out, like outside of my apartment, for over two weeks. It's really pathetic. And I know the less I go out, the harder it will be to go out in the future. Eh, but avoiding anxiety really sounds like a good idea to me right now.

The psych center called back yesterday and I got new prescriptions for my sleepingpills and sedatives. So that's good. But they couldn't see in their system if I'm on some kind of waitinglist or not. But I seem to be registered there otherwise I wouldn't have gotten the prescriptions. But I don't have a psychiatrist who is responsible for me. And I don't know if and when I'll meet a new therapist. So how exactly am I supposed to get better and get back into society? Huh? I don' have any valid sickpapers right now either. It doesn't matter so much because I don't get any money from anywhere anyway. But it would be good for my self-esteem. To have it black on white that I'm not lazy but ill. 

I'm going to take a painkiller now and then maybe exercise. My hyponchondriac thoughts tell me that I have meningitis. But I don't feel feverish. And it's a really uncommon illness. So I better take a painkiller so I don't get reminded of the headache and its causes constantly. My boyfriend is at the dentist and will probably get home in an hour or so. It would look good if I have exercised until then. 

I need a life ?!?

Ennui

My whole body is tensed, totally alert. I feel like as if I'm getting a seizure anytime soon. But I know it's just exhaustion. I still can't sleep, I still can't rest. I wonder if I should just try to not take a Propavan tonight. I can't get any worse than with the med. I'm so annoyed by this lack of proper sleep!

I spent the major part of yesterday with watching DVDs. My brain was all mushy afterwards. I couldn't focus so I just laid on back, starring at the ceiling. Great way to spend an evening. Not. We watched three episodes of "The Walking Dead". I was expecting it to be in C-quality. I love zombie-movies, especially the older ones from the 1930s, but let's face it, most zombie-movies are kind of trashy. But "The Walking Dead" is really well-made, it has a proper story. Then we watched "The Bourne Legacy". It's an okay movie. I'm starting to get tired of movies that all kind of have the same story and the same characters. There's a weak woman, a strong man and some kind of government-conspiracy. Dull.

I have sent in my applications for the two courses I'm planning to take during the autumn-semester. I chose Russian 1 and The History of Ideas 2. We'll see if I get in. It could be that I'm still  registered for the Master's program in literary studies which I started studying last semester but then had to go on a sick-leave. So I'm not too sure if I can actually study something else. Mmm. I'm quite satisfied with my choice of taking internet-based courses, I don't have to face my social anxiety and the isolation that's caused by my Avoidant Personality Disorder doesn't need to be broken. Ha! 

My plans for today are quite boring. I need to exercise and vaccuum. Then I'll have to finish an e-mail and a letter I've been writing. I just hope that my anxiety will stay on a tolerable level today. 

Studies

Another worthless day is coming to an end. I haven't done much. I exercised! So that's an improvement! I talked to a friend of mine from France who will be in Stockholm for a few days at the end of this month, with her family. And she wants to meet up. That's great and all but but but but .. how the heck am I going to survive that? My boyfriend probably can't drive me because he has to work so I'll have to take the subway. Something that I haven't done for months. So, take the subway, walk around in central Stockholm on my own and meet my friend. I really don't see it happen. But I have to, I don't want to come with some stupid excuse. Lots of sedatives isn't the solution either, I don't want to make a fool out of myself in front of her family. Damn.

I have been quite a hypochondriac today. I have had stomach cramps and I'm bloated. And now I'm almost convinced that I have ovarian cancer. I read an article about it yesterday so of course I now think that I have all the symptoms. Gosh, I'm so stupid! My grandma had ovarian cancer though and I know it's hereditary. I have never had a papsmear done so I guess I'll have to book an appointment. Just to be sure and to ease my thoughts. A woman should get a papsmear once a year anyway and I never had one done, so there is nothing strange about me getting an appointment. Eh?

I have been looking for internet-based university courses for the fall-semester. The application has to be in until the end of next week. I am still registered for the Master's program in literary studies but that's normal classes that I have to attend physically. And I don't see that happening. Last September I actually gave it a try for three weeks but then I was put on a sickleave. I just couldn't handle the social side of it, being in a room with 200 people while panicking inside isn't really the best position for learning. I also have trouble focusing. I wonder if my concentration will ever come back. I have always had problems with focusing but I still managed to study for an hour before having to take a break. Well, so I thought I'd take an online university class. Nothing that I need to pass, nothing that puts too much pressure on me. Just something to do, something that stimulates my intellect. So I have been looking at the offered classes and I am now torn between a course in philosphy B (I have already done A some years ago and it would be cool to take the B and write an actual paper on some interesting theory. But that's a really demanding course ...), Literature and existential questions ( sounds superinteresting to me) or maybe a language (they offer Russian, Chinese and Japanese, I could take any of those but I'm leaning towards Russian). So what to do? And what if I'm too bad during the fall and can't pass? I am not good at taking decisions!

Nope. Going to bed now. It's past 1 a.m.. I have taken my Propavan three (!!!) hours ago and I don't feel much from it. I have a bit less anxiety and I'm a bit drowsy. But not tired. Stupid stupid sleepingpills that don't do their job!! I guess I'll read for an hour and then try to sleep. Nighty night!

I have to exercise. I'm so mad at myself at not having done that today yet. I know that I can't get myself to do it tonight.  All those stupid pills and hospitals stays during the last two years made me gain around 60 pounds! You know, I have always been overweight and then, in 2008, I finally did something about it and started exercising and just cut out all junk food and candy out of my diet. It took me two years to lose 90 pounds. And here I am, fat again. I have PCOS and that means that I have it extra-hard to lose weight because my metabolism doesn't work the way it should be. I'm so ashamed for having gained all that weight again. That's probably one of the reasons why I don't want to go out.

I'm so ashamed of my body. I haven't met any friend in months! Just my boyfriend and our roomate. I mean, I know that the main reason for not seeing my friends is the Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm really a textbook example, I have successfully isolated myself from physically meeting other people. But I think my shame about the weight-gain has something to do with it too. I'm so scared that someone will say something about the weight-gain, that people will talk behind my back about it. That I'll get weird looks, you know, the kinds of look where you know exactly that that person is judging you. You know what would be cool? A cloak that makes you invisible, like the one Harry Potter has. I'd love to have one of those!

One thing that really annoys me with all of this is that I'm aware that my weight-shame has a lot to do with what society and media tell us about  beauty. That we all need to be skinny to be beautiful. I have a boyfriend that loves me the way I am. Still, I want to have society's acceptance. That's really so stupid of me! I am so aware of the pressure and where it comes from. So I'm telling myself that I'm exercising to stay healthy. I'm actually exercising regularly, 30 minutes five to six times a week. But in secret, my main goal is to be thin and beautiful. Not for myself, but for others. When I weighted 120 pounds I still felt fat and tried to hide parts of my body. I still hated pictures of myself. So what the fuck is going on in my head?

And all that crap is just really strong in my thoughts right now because I haven't exercised today. My self-hatred has no limits. I HATE MY BODY!!!