I'm AWAKE

I'm listening to David Bowie and I'm happy. Maybe not over the top happy but I'm content. Gradually stopping to take the Propavan was the best idea I have had in years. Okay, I don't sleep much. I think I got about four hours of sleep last night. I just couldn't fall asleep. But I had expected that and I'm fine with it. I could have taken a Zoplicone but 4 a.m. seemed like the wrong time to do that. 

I have so much energy, it's unbelievable! I didn't walk around like a zombie all morning. I was almost clear in my head when I woke up and I got lots of things done. During the last two years my mornings have been a drowsy mess. I needed two hours to wake up, to even start the day. But today, today I woke up and after 10 minutes I started cleaning, doing the dishes, baking some breakfast-buns, taking care of the laundry, cuddling my cat, planning lunch, reading the news, having a deep discussion about the faults of capitalism with a friend on Facebook and sitting on the balcony having a fag in the sunshine. 

What the heck?!? I mean, I'm tired because I have slept too less. And I'm a bit on the edge anxiety-wise. But it feels "natural". I feel like I have been released from a constant slumber. I can't imagine the energy-levels I'll have when I'm totally off the Propavan. Was this me before I started taking sleeping-meds?!? I can't remember. I used to be able to get up at 8 a.m., exercise an hour, clean, go to university for some classes, meet a friend for coffee, study for five or six hours, cook a lovely meal, write a long letter and watch a movie. All in one day. That was bascially my every day life. Maybe that was the real me?!? 

All these zombie-like mornings are a thing of the past now. I'll get off the Propavan, that's for sure. I know that my try last autumn didn't work out. But this time I'm doing it gradually. And I don't care about lack of sleep, increased anxiety or even cramps. I'll get off it. I still have the Zoplicone to fall back onto if I don't sleep at all.

On a funny side-note: my boyfriend took half a Propavan last night because he wants to get off his Zoplicone. So I gave him half a Propavan. And he is still in bed. Haha. He was up for an hour or two but was all drowsy and tired so he went back to bed. Funny, I take half a pill and I get filled with energy, he takes half a pill and turns into a zombie!

Of course I'm now thinking if I'm hypomanic. Could that be? You know, this every day life I had for about two years could have been hypomania. I just don't know. My stupid psychiatrist totally confused me with the bipolar diagnosis. So, could I be hypomanic right now? I feel happy, I have lots of energy, I feel like dancing on a meadow. I have lots of ideas. I feel really creative. I have deep discussions, discussions like that I haven't had in months. I feel like Popeye who has just eaten his spinach. Can the reduced dosage of the sleeping medication have triggered hypomania? Help?!?

Bipolar?!?

I wanted write an entry yesterday but I was just way too tired. I couldn't focus on anything, let alone write in a language that isn't my mothertongue. I'm having a bad headache today, I took a painkiller this morning, got all drowsy, went back to bed, slept for another two hours and now I think I'm well enough to tackle this day.

So I had the appointment with my new psychiatrist yesterday. It was really difficult for me to get up at 7 a.m., my boyfriend literally had to drag me out of bed. I had two panic-attacks, one in the car on the way to the psych-center, I calmed down and we went inside and I had another panic attack in the waitingroom. As I'm a controlfreak, I can control my reactions to some extent. I don't start crying or screaming. So most people don't even realize when I have a panic attack. Maybe if they sit next to me and they hear me hyperventilating. 

The psychiatrist is a man in his 50s. He was really friendly and I felt at ease right away. He has worked in the pharmaceutic industry for years, doing testings with Abilify and Seroquel. That might make some people suspicious but I thought that was cool because that means that he has a lot of knowledge concerning meds, something that most psychiatrists don't have. He had read my whole (!!!) file which I found very surprising. Most psychiatrists I have met can't even remember your name and they tell you to give them a summary of your life and the meds you have taken. We talked for almost an hour, another positive thing, I often only had gotten 15 minutes of a doctor's time because they are so stressed out. 

So what did he say? He was very honest and said that he doesn't think that I'd be getting any better with only therapy. He said that the therapy will have to last for years and years and that psychodynamic therapy probably is right for me because it has an intellectual perspective. But it won't be enough. I can agree with that, I have done the DBT for a year after all and I haven't improved a bit, nope, I even got worse. He also said that he doesn't look at diagnosiseses in the first place but at the people and the symptoms that he can do something about with medication. And that's fair in my opinion, there is no medical cure for any mental illness and there is not much known about the brain's functions anyway. He told me that after having read my journal he suspects that one of the main illnesses I have is Bipolar Disorder. He doesn't think that I have any personality disorders. He said that my main problem is the anxiety, so I definitely have all those anxiety disorders. And the PTSD is pretty obvious as well. 

So we talked about the Bipolar thing for a while. He said it is Bipolar 2 and that my hypomanic phases just never caused any huge trouble for me because they made me more effective and creative and that that had been a good thing for me, my studies and my writing. And I think that could be true. I have times when I am way more effective and creative, almost obsessed with things and I succeed with about everything I do. And then I have times, mostly when I'm really depressed, when I can't focus at all and I feel like all my abilities and talents have just left me. I just never connected it all together. It's the same with being talkactive. Damn, I can talk a lot and really fast at times. But then I have periods when I don't say much at all. But I'm not impulsive and I never think that I'm a genious or anything. I'm not too sure what to think of all of this. Do I even want to have yet another diagnosis? This is what happens when you have to switch psychiatrists all the time. Everyone says something else. At least no one thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder anymore. So yay.

Medication. We didn't speak much about sleepingpills because I have already tried all the ones that are out there. He said that I could try to cut down on the Propavan for a while and then take it again, maybe my body will react to it better then. So I'll try to be without it for a couple of nights, maybe next weekend. The most amazing and baffeling thing happened. Well, we all know that psychiatrists are against benzodiazipines, mostly because there are some low-lifes out there who take them illegaly to get high ( hate hate hate those people, they are really making it more difficult to get help when you actually are in need of sedatives). But nope, my new psychiatrist actually offered me a stronger and more long-lasting benzo than the one I'm usually taking. He actually couldn't believe that no one had taken my anxiety seriously before. He of course gave me the talk: not to take the med too often, not overdose, not take it with alcohol. Anyway, I have Valium now. I also convinced him to give me a prescription for the Oxazepam, in case the Valium doesn't work for me. Well, and then he suggested Lithium. He said that it could level my feelings out and that it will do something about my suicidality. I asked him to give me some weeks to think about it. I did a google search, talked with two of my friends who are bipolar and I read up on side-effects. And I have decided to not try it. I have gained sooooooo much weight due to hospital stays and medication, I just can't gain anymore. It's not good for my self-confidence and most importantly, it's not good for my body. And I have PCOS so I don't even think I can take Lithium with that. And there is this HUGE fear of side-effects that I have. The things I have gone through with other meds, I just don't want to re-live that. Nope. The only two meds that actually made me feel better were Lamictal and Abilify, both moodstabilizers, both work for people who are bipolar. Are there any more moodstabilizers out there? What am I to do!?! I know antidepressants haven't worked on me at all so far ...

Uh, and then he gave me the phone-number to his office. I was in shock. I have NEVER gotten the number of a psychiatrist. I never had the possibility to contact them. I almost hugged him because I was so overwhelmed by all of this. I mean, he has read my file, he actually gave me and my problems some attention and real thought. He wasn't demeaning, he treated me like a person. Oh, and he is writing a book right now and as he has had read in my file that I'm good with words he asked me to write a poem or a short prosa-piece on how I have been treated by psych-professionals. I'll give that a try. I'll meet him in three weeks again and hopefully he has another suggestion than Lithium. 

I'm really confused right now. Am I really bipolar? Should I try any more medication? I'll try not to think about it this weekend. At the moment I'm just glad that I've met the first friendly psychiatrist since my journey with mental illness started. Sadly enough, he'll only work at the center until autumn. Now that's my luck!