A pill to make you numb, a pill to make you dumb

I have been stupid enough to let myself be convinced to give the Quetiapine/Seroquel a try. I have had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. We talked for about thirty minutes. And he was of course disappointed that I hadn't given the med a try. I think he was also confused. Most sick people probably get happy when they get meds that can make them feel better. But I'm the opposite of that. At least nowadays. Some years ago I still thought that there is some medication out there that could actually have a positive effect on me. But after all my horrifying experiences I am just really careful. Anyway, my doctor had some good arguments. For instance, that at the moment he is still responsible for me and I trust him. So I can feel like I'm in good hands. And he also said yet again that he doesn't think that I could get any better without medication. So last night I was sitting in the kitchen, a glass of water and the little orange pill right in front of me. It took me half an hour to get the pill into mouth, drink some water and swallow it. I'm still not sure if I really should give it a go. I'll see for a week and if I get any strong side-effects, I will stop taking it right away. I can't go through side-effects again. I just don't have the strength.

My psychiatrist said that I just shouldn't think about side-effects. I shouldn't feel for them, I shouldn't think too much around them. But I have GAD?!? Of course I'll think about it and interprete every single weird thing in my body as a side-effect! I haven't read up on the side-effects again though. I just don't want to worry more than I already do. Reading about all the terrible things that could happen to me would just freak me out. Well, I remember one side-effect that I heard of some years ago when I tried Seroquel for the first time: sudden inexplainable death. Let's just hope that that won't happen to me. 

So I took the pill and went to bed. I had already taken my Propavan some hours before. I didn't get any more sleepy of the Seroquel. But I'm only on 25 mg so the dosage is probably too low. I didn't feel more hungover this morning either. I woke up many many times during the night but I think that was due to the heat. And a kitten trying to cuddle with me. I felt really weak this morning though. After a cigarette and a cup of coffee I was close to fainting. And of course I panicked, got a panic attack and went straight back to bed. But that passed. Right now I'm still a bit weird and detached from reality. I'm getting weird cramps in my arms and legs. I'm shaking a bit. And my anxiety is really high. It could be that I'm just freaking out because I'm taking a new med. I mean, it is really hot today. I can't deal with heat because I "suffer" from low blood-pressure. So of course I felt a bit fainty this morning. But still, something feels odd and off. I can't really explain it. Uncomfortable is the only word that I can come up with. Yep, I feel uncomfortable. But I haven't given up yet. Fortunately my boyfriend will be off from work for three weeks soon so I'm not alone at home. And my mum will come to visit us for a week. So if something bad is going to happen, someone is there to help me. That makes me feel safe.

I mentioned to my psychiatist that the whole reducing of the Propavan-dosage went to hell. He laughed when I said that the reason why I got manic/hypomanic was the medication and not any underlyring bipolar illness. He explained to me that he thinks that I'm atypical bipolar II. I don't care anymore. I am what I am. He also said that he doesn't officially give me a diagnosis because he is more interested in treating symptoms than actually putting labels on people. I like the guy. I'm supposed to call him either on Friday or on Monday and tell him how it is going with the Seroquel. I have real issues with having to call people but I guess I'll have to do it.

Oh, and he is done writing the book on psychiatry and psychiatric help in Sweden. And my poem is definitely in the book! The book will be published in fall. My big dream is to become a published writer. But I really want (and I am actually doing it) to write books and short-stories. They are just way more thought-through and are more complicated to work with. A poem is something instant for me, I can write a poem in 20 minutes. So far I have written two novels and both of them took me almost a year. Anyway, I'm really glad that something that I have created will be published. I'm proud of myself. 

Depression - low low low

The last few days I have been really low. My anxiety is stable, somewhere in the middle, not too strong but I can still feel it. I haven't been able to do much at all. I have been in bed way too much, just staring at the ceiling. Every time I closed my eyes I had pictures of the hospital in my head. Pictures of me being restrained, of me being injected medication. When I'm low and depressed my fear of losing it and being sent to the hospital is getting stronger.

I think I'm in the middle of a depression. I guess everything has just gotten too much for me. My parents' divorce, my cousin's suicide-attempt, my boyfriend's father's death. The last few days I've felt like I have been drained of all my energy. I just CAN'T get things done. I don't have the motivation. I just want to be in bed, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get any attention. I want to be left alone. I want to just lay down and die. Not really die, but just disappear. I don't exercise as I'm supposed to. I can get the easy routines down: I do the dishes, I cook, I take care of my cat. But that's it. I'm constantly close to tears. On top of that  I'm feeling restless in my head. I'm thinking of all the things I should be doing. I'm thinking about how much life sucks. How much I don't contribute. How much I'm a burden. How much I hate myself. I think I'm a fraud. I'm not like everyone else, I can't be human. I really hate myself right now. And I can't focus on anything. My brain-capacity has shrunken. I have terrible nightmares of cats getting tortured and killed in front of me. I am so tired.

I want to do the things I love to do. I still haven't started on the DIY on my jacket although I have everything I need for it at home. I haven't started writing the poem and the text for my psychiatrist's book. I haven't been able to finish writing a long e-mail that is long overdue. Two things I have managed doing during the last two days though: I've started bleaching the parts of my hair that I want to dye purple. So those parts of my hair look orange now. It's not easy to get black hair blonde! And I have sent off the application for Swedish citizenship and the papers needed to be able to get married in Sweden.

It's so weird. I know what I'm doing wrong right now. I understand the circles of my thoughts. I know exactly what to do when I feel like I'm depressed. But I just can't do anything about it. It's like my mind is at war with me. I know that I shouldn't give up and be in bed. I know that these thoughts that I have are not the truth. I know that I'm loved by at least a few people. I know that I'm not stupid. But I can't stop those thoughts! And I can't do anything about the lack of energy and motivation. I'm trying but I just don't succeed. Depression is not something you can think and fight yourself out of on your own. Damn it! I just hope it won't get any worse. If desperation gets mixed up with depression and anxiety it can lead to disaster. 

The other night I had a total breakdown. With crying, screaming and everything else one expects of a breakdown. I had met T, my social worker, in the morning (well, my morning, for others it was early afternoon) and he had tried to talk me into giving Lithium a try. But at the same time he told me about clients he has that got psychotic from that medication. And a woman that gained so much weight that she actually got diabetes. Great. So I read up even more on Lithium, the side-effects and the positive response of some people who are taking it. It's actually not that effective for depression, it's great for mania though. I have never had mania, that is not my problem. I can't deal with any more side-effects. I just can't. I remember when they gave me Abilify at the hospital. I had that little blue pill in my hand and they were waiting for me to swallow it. And all I did was cry. I was sooooooo scared of that pill and the side-effects that it could give me. I eventually took it and some days later I had evolved caged tiger syndrome. I have never felt so restless in my whole life. I haven't taken  a single psych-med (apart from sedatives) that hasn't given me lots of weird and painful side-effects. And I know that Lithium would do the same to me. Maybe I have medication-phobia now?

So the breakdown was about my fear of medication. But it was also about the awareness that I might never get any better. That I have reached a dead end. If I don't take medication I'm stuck with my depression, anxiety, sucidiality. It is not like I refuse to try medication. Last year I tried out two antidepressants and three moodstabilizers. I thought about what my psychiatrist had said to me: that I will never become a functional person, that I will never get any better if I only do therapy. Therapy will have some positive effect on me but it won't "cure" me. I need medication because I have several diagnosis and I have complicated issues. So I freaked out because I know I will never get any better. There is no help out there for me. The thing that will happen is me killing myself eventually. Well, I'm over that breakdown now. But only because I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to think about the lack of help that is out there for me. I don't want to know. I just can't deal with it. I could try out the Diazepam (Valium). I have to anyway so I can tell my psychiatrist next week if it helps or not. But I guess I just never think of taking a sedative when I actually need it. So today I'll wait for the usual anxiety increase I get during the evenings and then take a Diazepam. If you don't hear from me again I probably have died because of some side-effects. Or I have fallen into a coma. Or I am in happy happy land. 

Desperation

I have been feeling really desperate for the last few days. I can't find a better word to describe my state. I have been detached from reality and I have been close to giving up. I am trying hard to not let my dark thoughts and anxiety drag me down even more. But I'm slowly falling back into old patterns. 

I am trying to remind myself to think of the future, to plan for the long run and to not be too short-sighted. The emotions I'm having right now will pass, they won't stay with me forever. I know that. But my brain somehow doesn't want to work with me. I get desperate, I want it all to end, I see no future, I see only darkness. I can't motivate myself to do the things that I love. For weeks I have been thinking about the DIY-project, my jacket. I love altering my clothes. But I just can't get started. What's the point? I won't go out much anyway. So why do I need an awesome jacket?

My changed patterns scare me. Because I know what they have always lead to: suicide-attempt and hospital. I'm fighting. But my emotions are strong, especially this anxiety that is driving me mad. I am pacing up and down the hallway, wanting to scream out the pain. I have even been crying. I hate crying. I lay down in the middle of the day. Just being in bed, starring at the wall. Feeling gloomy and alone.

I have been detached from reality. I have been detached from my positive feelings. I have been in a bubble of anxiety and sadness. No one can reach me. My boyfriend is worried. I am trying. I promise, I am trying. But I am desperate. I don't want to feel like this ever again. And it probably won't ever get any better. 

The negative thoughts are racing through my head. I'll never be able to earn money, I'll always live off my boyfriend. I'll never be part of society. I'll never contribute to anything. I'm nothing and no one cares if I'm dead or alive. I'll never have real friends again, all the people I know have probably already forgotten about me. I'm just an annoying burden to the few people I talk to. I am nothing and I'll never be something. I've been fooling myself all these years, I'm not smart. If I was smart, I would be something. I would be able to fight this off. I'm weak. Just a burden.

And then I get weird flashbacks and foreshadowings. My head is filled with images from my time at the hospital. Psychotic people, screaming people, lies, pills, side-effects. The feelings I had back then come back, I feel just as desperate, just as sad, just as suicidal, just as anxious. Then I'm thinking about my dad killing my mum. I am so worried about her moving out and how he will react. He will be furious. When I'm in some kind of dreamlike state my mind paints horrifying pictures of my mum getting beaten to death by my  father. Those pictures scare the hell out of me.

And that's not all. My GAD-symptoms have been worse. I feel nautious all the time. I feel like throwing up. My stomach hurts. I have the runs. I am shaking. I can't focus. I hate when my body and my mind both scream "anxiety"!

I can't fall asleep and I wake up constantly. My sleep is not sleep, it's a turmoil. It's nightmares. It's sweat. It's desperation.

I can see myself from the outside and I know exactly what to tell myself. Think about the future. Remind yourself of the good times. You never know what tomorrow brings. You have gotten through such periods before. Activate yourself. Motivate yourself. Don't go to bed in the middle of the day. Eat properly. Exercise. Distract yourself. Do the things you love doing even if they don't bring you that much pleasure right now. Cook. Write. I know all this. But my brain has put up some kind of defensive wall. My brain has lost all of its rationality. 

I'm desperate. And I'm afraid of how far this desperation can push me. I want to die. I don't want to die. I want it to stop. I feel like I deserve feeling like this because I'm a bad person. I just want peace. Desperation. I'm nothing.

Will it ever get any better?

I haven't had a good morning. I am so unfocused, it's almost scary. Just writing these lines is really difficult right now. I feel so restless and anxious. Last night I thought I was drifting into psychosis, I don't know, my thoughts were racing and I felt so restless in my body. I tried to write a letter but couldn't focus. I tried to read but I couldn't focus. I tried to watch a movie, I couldn't focus. I have had bad period where I couldn't concentrate much but I don't think it has ever been so bad as right now. I feel like I have a million things to do. And I want to do these things. But I can't start and if I start I lose focus right away. I have always been saying that my mind, my intellect, my brain is my strength. But right now it's failing me. I guess I'll just keep on trying and hopefully I can get something done. I can maybe start doing some patches for me jacket today, and figure out how the sewing-machine works and how to apply studs. Maybe it's easier to do something with my hands than to do something with my mind. I don't like being in this state of total restlessness. I don't even know if it's anxiety, last night it was, but is it right now?

I was supposed to meet T, my social worker, today. But he cancelled our appointment. He had been to the dentist and is kind of incapable of talking. We'll maybe meet up tomorrow instead. I don't care. I'd rather not meet him. I don't want to be around people, my social anxiety is really bad.

The atmosphere in the flat isn't that positive right now. My boyfriend is kind of sad because his biological father has died. I don't actually know if he is sad. His feelings are a negative mess at the moment. Our roommate has started taking a new antidepressant and it is making him feel really bad. He has really bad anxiety and he won't have an appointment with his psychiatrist any time soon. So I gave him a few of my Oxazepam. I know, that's not good or smart. Hopefully his doctor will give him some proper sedatives soon. And I'm a mess too. But I don't know why. I'm tired and restless. Anxious. Sad. Imagine the Duracell-bunny with puffy eyes, tears running down its cheeks and screaming out of fear. That's me.

I  called the council and asked for an appointment to get married. We are getting married on August 15th. It's not a romantic thing, it's more about being reasonable. I would get  a Swedish last name. We have been together for over 8 years. So why not get married? We are not going to make a big deal out of it. We won't invite anyone. We can't afford a wedding. I'm not even sure if  we can afford rings. I won't have a wedding dress, there won't be any cake, there won't be any guests. I have never dreamed of a big wedding anyway. I basically just want to get it over with. I think my social anxiety plays a role in this too. I don't like to be around people. I don't want to be in the center of attention. I might have to explain it better: I don't mind talking in front of people if it has to do with my knowledge. But I hate the attention when it comes to me as a person, my personality, my personal space, my feelings. That's why group therapy has always been diffcult for me.

I have also applied for Swedish citizenship. That cost me around 200 Euro. I'm just waiting for them to send me a copy of the online application I have already filled in so I can sign it. And then I'll have to send my German passport to them. As far as I have understood, I can have double-citzenship. The reason why I want the Swedish citizenship is to be able to go and vote. And to feel like I'm part of society for real. Eh, and in the unlike event of a war it wouldn't be bad to have two citzenships. But yeah, I won't get a result from that for another 10 months or so.

I'll try to exercise now. And then I'll cook. Well, it won't be much cooking. We have some pre-marinated chicken that I'll put in the oven. All I have to do is cook rice and make a salad. I'm a lazy bastard. I hope I can read a bit later. The whole DIY-thing seems like a lot of work to me right now. I think I'll postpone that to the weekend instead. I want the jacket to be fancy until the Peter Murphy-concert which is on June 10th. Still almost two weeks. Gosh, I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. Gah!

Gloomy Day

The anxiety is overbearing today. I'm so restless, I can't focus on anything. I just want it to stop! The weather is grey, cold and rainy today. And I kind of like it, it's mellow and calm. No screaming kids outside. I don't think there is a noise more annoying than screaming kids. I have the strong desire to just crawl back into bed, fall asleep and just forget about this day. Really, I hate waking up in the morning, knowing that there is a new day to tackle, a new day with lots of anxiety, crying and meaningless routines.

T was here yesterday and we called the psych-center together. They called me back later that day and finally  admitted that it was kind of wrong to just drop me like that, to let me go without any psych-contact for months even though it says in my file that there is a high suicide-risk. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday. I have never met that guy so I'll keep an open mind. I don't have a lot of good experiences with psych-doctors, they are often condescending and somewhat mean. But I don't need anything special so I have nothing to worry. I'll put all my energy into getting into the psychodynamic therapy. I don't think medication will help me much because I'm over-sensitive to meds. So I'll only ask if he has any other suggestion when it comes to sleepingpills because the Propavan doesn't do shit anymore. And I'll ask for some new sick-papers as mine were only valid until the end of March. It's not like I'll get any money from anywhere but it would feel better to have it black on white that it's okay that I'm not doing anything right now. I often feel like a burden, a lazy ass, because all I'm doing is being at home. So I don't know, it would feel good to have it acknowledged that I'm actually ill.

When it comes to meeting psychiatrists I'm always extra-careful. The biggest fear I have is to be admitted to the hospital against my will, to have most of my rights taken away from me. You know, when you are going to a GP and you try to exaggerate a bit so you are taken seriously? Well, I would never do that with a psychiatrist. I think I'll sit down tomorrow night and just write down some things that I want to take up so I'm not sitting there saying nothing or actually blasting out the truth. The truth is that I'm at my worst for this year so far. But I'll try to sugar-coat that. Better be prepared.

The appointment is at 9 a.m. which basically is the middle of the night for me. My boyfriend will take some hours off from work so he can drive me. I didn't ask him to do that, he suggested it. And I guess otherwise I really wouldn't have been able to make it there. Taking the subway, in the middle of the night and meeting a new psychiatrist? And I haven't been out of the flat for a month. So yeah, I'm grateful that he offered to help me. 

There have been some riots in the suburb I'm living in. It all started in another suburb of Stockholm but it kind of spread. So young guys set cars on fire and crush windows. Very mature. So we have now upgraded the insurance on our car, so we won't lose a lot of money in case someone decides to set the garage on fire. I understand the young guys, I know what alienation is like, I know what poverty is like. I just don't think riots and violence are the way to go. But no one asks me so why bother?

I can't handle it, it's TOO MUCH, I'm losing it

I'm so exhausted! It feels like I have partied all night, drank at least 10 bottles of beer, smoked two packs of cigarettes and then slept for like an hour. In reality I've slept five hours, tortured by nightmares, constant waking-up and a restless body. I haven't exercised for two days. I have become totally passive. I've somehow become a ghost, just sitting in the soffa, starring at the TV. I'm close to the edge, close to losing it. I can't handle the things going on in my life. A healthy person would probably break down so it's no suprise that I'm a wreck.

The whole situation with my parents hasn't improved. My brother went there to talk to them and both my mum and dad pretended to be okay. But I talked on the phone with my mum yesterday and she was crying and didn't know what to do. I told her to be reasonable and to THINK. She is a very passive person who often just waits problems out and hopes that they will somehow go away. But I, my siblings and every one else think that she has to go and save herself. My father can't be controlled and he can explode in rage easily. I'm really afraid that he will kill her. I understand that she has trouble leaving it all, everything they have built up together. She comes with the lamest excuses for not packing her bags and leave. So I tried to talk some sense into her. Things will only get worse, especially if she has been to the lawyer and filed for divorce. She has friends, she has family, a lot of people have offered her help so she just has to call someone, pack her bags and get out of there. I'm so worried. I hate this drama. I hate my father. And I hate that I let myself be effected by this so much.

And if that isn't enough, my cousin contacted me via Facebook yesterday and told me that she was standing on a bridge and seriously considering to jump. She contacted me because I am familiar with suicidal thoughts and urges. I didn't even know where she was so I couldn't contact the police. I mean, I knew she was somewhere in Austria but not specifically where in the country. You see, she is Iranian, lives in Italy but her boyfriend lives and works in Austria. She has gone through a lot of shit during the last ten years. A divorce, a custody battle for her daughter that has been going on for five years now and so on. Anyway, I tried to be calm and replied honestly. I didn't want her to feel like I was persuading her into something. I basically told her that I often come to the conclusion that I don't know how tomorrow will be, I don't know anything about the future and it could get better. I'm not talking about fooling yourself, I personally know that I'll never be "cured", but I know that I can have happy moments. I told her that she needs professional help. I talked with her for an hour, she texted from her phone. I tried out to get to know where exactly she was but she didn't want to tell me. Eventually she left the place and went home to her boyfriend (ex? he has cheated on her). And she promised me to contact a friend who is a doctor. And this morning I got a text saying that she has spoken to her friend and that they will meet up on Monday and figure something out. I personally think she should be admitted to the hospital. And she needs to be evaluated, blood-tests and all that. And she should be on medication, she has suffered from depression for years but was always afraid that taking psych-meds would negatively effect the fight for the custody of her daughter, that it would somehow shine a negative light on her if she had mental issues.

I had a proper breakdown after we finished talking. And then my mum called and we talked for an hour. After that I just broke down in my head, hysterically crying, shaking. It was all TOO MUCH to handle for me. I get why cousin contacted me, I mean, we usually don't talk much. But she knew that I wouldn't judge her and I have experience with these things, and well, I'm still alive so I somehow must have strategies to get through suicidal periods. But honestly, I don't. I end up in hospital, I get pumped full with medication and professionals try to talk to me. So I'm not angry at my cousin. I'm glad that I could help her and I'm glad that she's still alive. But all this just broke me. I had to take a sedative (I hadn't taken one in over 6 months!!) and unfortunately it didn't help as much as I hoped it would. It's only Oxazepam after all. But it calmed me down a little, my phsycial anxiety-symptoms didn't disappear but my thoughts got clearer, I could think properly.

So I just had lots of pizza and ice-cream and watched a movie. Then I took both Propavan and Zoplicone and hoped for a good night's sleep. Which I didn't get. I really don't care about exercising and routines right now. I'm in no state for that. I have to survive, this is fucking crisis-time. So I'll try to eliminate my vulnerabilites. I'll try to do things I like.

But there are so many musts. And I know that I feel worse if I don't follow my routines in the long run. But just give me this weekend. I need this weekend to be about survival, no mondane stuff like exercising or doing the dishes. I'll start over on Monday again. Next week I'll maybe even finally go to that hobby-store so I can start with some DIY with my clothes. Oh, and I ordered tons of stationary yesterday because I'm running low on it. I think I bought like 5 kg and paid around 90 Euros. But it made me feel good, now I don't need to buy stationary for a year or so. Still, I need to get my ass to that hobby-store next week.

And I hope I won't do anything stupid this weekend. I really feel tired, tired and exhausted. Of life. I really just want to rest forever. I want to make it all go away. I need to fight.

Every day is exactly the same

I think I'm feeling a bit better today. But the anxiety is really getting on my nerves. I find it annoying if people ask me if something has happened. Most people feel sad or anxious because something bad has happened to them or they are worried about a certain thing. But if you are mentally ill nothing has to have happened. It can hit you without any cause, without any reason. I have lots of reasons for being down but there is no particular reason for why I'm feeling like shit right now. It just happens. It would be somewhat nice if something shitty has happened, it would be easier for me to grasp and to do something about it. Do you know what I mean? Let's say someone you love has died. You are crying, you feel helpless, you are really sad. But it's supposed to be that way. You know the "why". It feels so pathetic to feel like shit for no reason at all. I feel like shit because I suffer from mental health issues. You don't get much sympathy for that.

I'm trying hard to stick to my routines and to distract myself. It just feels a bit meaningless. I want to do something that matters. I want to do something that brings me closer to the things I aspire. But no, all I'm working on is to survive another day, to reach the evening, take my sleepingpills and the relief that another day has passed. Pathetic. I have so many great ideas and dreams. So many things I would love to do. So many things in the world I want to contribute to. But nope, I'm just getting through my days. Pathetic much? Self-pity much?

I'm quite angry at my social worker. I received three sms from him today, he wants to change the time for our appointment, and he has done that three times now. I get it, I have nothing important to do so it really doesn't matter when comes to visit. But it really feels like he's just moving me around in his calendar, as if I'm not important, as if I'm a a pain in the ass. I've always had difficulties to understand that I deserve something. I don't think I deserve anything. I always feel like others deserve things more than me. Example: at the psych-unit I had a contact person and he came to talk to me a lot. And I felt really guilty about that. I felt like I was taking his time away from other patients. It felt like other deserved his time more than me. Anyway, T is coming over at 1 p.m. tomorrow, I think. I haven't met him in two weeks and I have had some really bad days. But as always I won't talk about that because I'm ashamed and because I don't want him to think that I'm a wuss. Blergh.

I have a really lovely moment today. Sometimes I feel like a little kid who is experiencing things for the first time. And today my cat sat next to me on the balcony. I was smoking a cigarette and she was smelling some flowers we planted some days ago. And I looked at her and I suddenly felt a strong love for her. I was so happy that I own a cat. I was totally amazed by her awesomeness, her beauty. I couldn't stop looking at her. I wanted to hug her so hard. I was close to tears. I love having such moments!

My stupid roommate is playing rave-shit-music. Our walls are way too thin. It's a vibrating bass and it's getting on my nerves. I'm trying to listen to Suede's new album but the boom-boom-boom is disturbing my experience. Grgh. I think I'll exercise soon, then I'll dye my hair (the red on the sides) and then read a bit. My boyfriend won't come home for another two hours. Please let this day be a good day.

I want harmony in my head

I think I'm soon going crazy because of this annoying insomnia and sleep deprivation. I can't think straight, I'm vulnerable and totally unmotivated. My cat woke me up this morning, at 8 a.m. So I had around 3 hours of sleep. I just couldn't fall asleep last night and my thoughts were totally out of hand. I was fantasizing about getting admitted to the hospital, how safe it would feel, how they'd try out new meds so I could finally put my fucking brain to rest. 

So today isn't much of a better day than yesterday. I'm immensly tired. I'm anxious. I'm somewhat annoyed. It doesn't help that my boyfriend has decided to stop taking his sleepingmedication. So he's really irritated and vulnerable as well. We fought about where the cheese should be in the fridge. Now that's one mature and totally justified fight. Not. I usually don't fight but I can get really sarcastic and people can get quite angry at me. I almost never scream, shout or throw things. I'm mostly waiting for the fight to get over. But sometimes I just can't keep my mouth shut and I say some sarcastic comment. My boyfriend is a shouter and he can get really really mean. I often break down after our fights because he had said so many mean things that really broke my heart. I know, he said those things in anger but he should really try to control himself. 

We have planted some flowers on the balcony. And a lemon tree. I have always wanted a lemon tree so I'm really excited about that one! 

Other than that I have been listening to Sopor Aeternus, read a lot of news on the internet and had heaps of coffee. I think I'll try to exercise soon. Although I don't think it will be good for my body with the lack of sleep and all. 

I'm still sad. Incredibly sad. I want a break from everything. I just want vacation from my mental illness. People can go on vacation to get away from their jobs and every day lives. I wish I could do the same with my mental issues, just leave them at home and spend a week somewhere else. But nope. I can never get away from this shit. Maybe that's why I'm sad. I just don't want to live with my problems anymore. I want a "normal" week, a week where I can be myself. I don't even know who I am anymore because my personality is totally infected with anxiety and depression. I have two personality disorders after all. I'm really fucked up.

Fallen

I knew it. I knew that the positive period wouldn't last for long. Why did I even get my hopes up? I haven't slept more than four hours last night, and those hours I didn't sleep in a row, nope, I woke up all the time, wandered around the apartment, smoked, cuddled my cat, drank a hot tea. I'm so tired! 

The thing is that I know that I can sleep better when I take Zoplicone. But for some reason I don't understand I suddenly only get 10 of those pills per prescription. I think it has to do with my sucidality or something. Honestly, with my sensitivity to meds, I could probably overdose on 10 Zoplicone. Anyway, so I can't take it every night.  It was my own decision, which I didn't tell the doctors, that I don't want to take it every night because I was afraid that it wouldn't work as well after a while. I have been taking Zoplicone for two and a half years. So, these days I'm taking Zoplicone about twice a week. Which means that I get two nights of good sleep and the rest of the week I'm drained, have nightmares and don't get much sleep at all. So you can't imagine how much I want it to be tomorrow night so I can take a Zoplicone again and actually sleep!!

I feel stressed out right now. I'm supposed to come up with meals that we'll eat this week and honestly, we have nothing at home, apart from rice, meat and pasta. But I need something to it, I need some veggies or whatever. So my dearest boyfriend just called me while he was at the supermarket to buy some milk if I know what I'll cook during the next few days because he wanted to buy something then. Oh hell, I couldn't come up with anything that pleased him and he just hung up. What the heck?!? I'm tired, my brain doesn't work well today, give me a freaking break. So he decided that we'll have lasagne tomorrow. I don't care. I'll be the one cooking it but I'm just glad if he gets something to eat that he likes. I really don't have much responsibilities in my life at the moment, well, I should try and stay alive. That's my number one responsibility. But somehow I feel like I have become a housewife. And that's just not me. I really have higher aspirations in life. I don't want just to clean and cook. I get it, my boyfriend is working full-time so he really doesn't have the energy to do much housework. But once when I'm back studying full-time, we'll have to split the housework more evenly. Like we used to do. All he is doing is the laundry and the grocery-shopping (and I'm writing the shoppinglist anyway so he doesn't even have to think). Not working for me. I'm also annoyed by my roommate. He hasn't cleaned his room in months and it's all smelly and yucky. I can't believe he can actually breathe in there. I'm not the tidiest person in the world and I don't deep-clean every day. But how difficult can it be to tidy up a bit?!? Clothes on the floor, old pizza-boxes, old beer-cans. Yucky!

Right. Now that I got this off my chest, I'll get on with my day. My boyfriend will be at home for the rest of the week which is great. I feel so much safer when I'm not on my own. He can take control if I have lost it. Gah, I'm so tired. That means that I'm supersensitive. My anxiety is bad. Can't this day be over already? Well, I'll try to stick to my plans for today. Exercise, fix my hair (haven't washed it or brushed since Sunday, so right now I have BIG hair) and cook. Then I'll just die on the sofa.

Blah

I had a terrible day yesterday. I really didn't get anything done, I mostly just stared at the TV, trying to not lose my mind. I guess my pms is a bad combination with the increased anxiety I have been having lately. I felt totally unmotivated, thought everything was useless and meaningless. So I tried to distract myself with watching the end of Season 2 of "The Walking Dead" and the movie "Changeling". 

Today I'm not much better but I really need to come out of this state of nothingness. So I baked chocolate buns this morning for breakfast (German recipe) which turned out great. They were really appreciated by my boyfriend and my roommate. I have cleaned a bit and I'll soon exercise for half an hour. Then I need to dye my sides red. I bleached them the other day and today my boyfriend finally fetched my Manic Panic hairdye from the post office. I order them online although there are some stores that sell not too far away from where I live. I've really come up with a lot of strategies to avoid to go out. That's probably nothing to be proud of. Another thing not to be proud of: I ate chocolate for breakfast. There was a lot of left-over chocolate after I had baked the buns. And I stuffed my face with it. I don't know if that's the pms or if it was just another binge-eating attack. I'm not diagnosed with any eating disorder but having PCOS makes you crave sugar a lot. So yeah. 

I'll have to go through my clothes and find something to wear for the concert tomorrow night. I haven't been out "partying" for months. So I'm really nervous about tomorrow. I'll have some sedatives in my bag, just in case. What I'm mostly scared about is meeting all the people I know. Some of them I haven't seen in a year and damn, I've gained so much weight in that year, I'm really fat compared to when they last saw me. I'll need to be social, hug people, talk to people. I don't want to! But maybe it will give me a boost. But what I really want is an invisibility cloak like the one Harry Potter has. Just throw it on, stand in a corner, enjoy the concert, without getting any attention. How great wouldn't that be? So, I'll spend my afternoon with looking for clothes, feeling fat and probably ending up with a dress that just hides my body. Or just something plain. I don' t know. Gosh, I should be excited about tomorrow night and not all anxious. 

I think we'll watch "The Hobbit" tonight. Something to distract myself with. Yay. My roommate will leave soon because he has a "black" job this weekend. Actually, I didn't even know that he was at home. He had said yesterday that he'd sleep over at a friend's. So I have been running around in my underwear and had just put on some clothes when he came out of his room. I would have died of embaressment if he had seen me in my underwear. My boyfriend is sleeping. My cat is sitting on the balcony. And as always, I'm the one being awake, restless, anxious. Gah. Nope, I'll stop whining now and start exercising. I need to burn off the calories from my chocolate-breakfast. Yeah.

Physical

My day has been a bit weird. I can't really say what's wrong. Well, I can actually tell you about a lot of things that are wrong. My stomach is acting up really bad. This has happened before, many times. A year ago I ended up in the ER because my stomach hurt really bad and I was going from diarrhea to constipation all the time. I was feeling constantly sick, sick like I thought I would have to throw up. But nothing was wrong with me. I felt feverish, I felt nauseated, I felt ill. But yeah, my body was in good health. So I connected the dots and realized that it could be my anxiety that is making me feel like that. My therapist K (my first DBT-therapist) agreed with me and said that it sounded a lot of like GAD and although I didn't have that diagnosis back then he started treating me for it, giving me special mindfulness-exercises that are said to help against GAD-anxiety. They of course didn't help. Mostly because I think that mindfulness is utter new age-bullshit. I guess you need to believe that someting help in order for it to help. 

So today (and yesterday) I have been feeling constantly ill. I feel like I need to throw up. I feel like I have low blood pressure or like I am going to pass out. I get dizzy and my sight gets blurry. I feel feverish (tried to check and well, I had no fever). Stomach-ache. So I assume, no, I'm pretty sure, that it's GAD-anxiety. But that doesn't make it any better. I'm a bit hypochondriac so I'm somehow thinking that there's something wrong with my body. But really, until I actually pass out or until I actually get a fever, I shouldn't worry. Last year all those physcial issues got worse by the day, I was over-worrying which made the anxiety stronger which made the physical issues worse. I eventually ended up in the hospital  because I tried to jump in front of a subway. This time I'm more aware. I can't ignore the symptoms but I can decide how to interprete them. Yup, I have done CBT. So far that's going well. I can ignore my usual anxiety and panic, so I can ignore the physical symptoms too. Maybe I'm also more ill in my body because I'll get my period next week. Oh, one thing I have learned: NEVER GOOGLE YOUR SYMPTOMS! That's the worst thing you can do. You'll either end up believing that you have terminal cancer or you are starting to imagine symptoms you don't have. I'm learning. I'm trying. 

What more? My social worker T was here today. He made me promise that I'll call the psych-center this week to check again if they can tell me if I'm on the waitinglist for psychodynamic therapy. I know that I have to do that, right now I'm in limbo, no heaven, no hell, I don't know what the deal is. So I'll call them on Thursday. I think he kind of feels like he has too much responsibility to take care of me alone. He's the only "professional" contact I have at the moment. He was tired today and I think he got a bit annoyed by me. I hate silence, I can't stand that uncomfortable silence with people I'm not close to. So I tend to babble on and  on. I talked about Kafka, the Walking Dead and the idea of the expanding universe. One of my weirdest anxiety-triggers: thinking about the expanding universe and it expanding into nothing. I can't grasp the concept of "nothing" in that matter because this "nothing (lack of everything, lack of every atom, every matter, everything) can't exist. I know, I'm weird.

The monsters in my head

This constant daily anxiety is driving me nuts! I am just so annoyed that it has gotten so bad again. I have had  daily anxiety all my life, well, at least as long as I can remember. As a child I was always afraid of getting beaten up by my dad or being put down by him. As a teenager I was anxious about the bullying, about nicknames, about sexual abuse, about the hatred towards me that I had to go through every day. I was goth, I was fat and I was half-Iranian. So I was probably the perfect bullying-victim. But as a child and as a teenager I could still pretend. I would smile and laugh. I would pretend that they can't hurt me, that nothing can get to me, that I'm strong. But these days it's so different. I don't know why I have anxiety, I don't know what my body and brain are afraid of. Back then it was easy to point out my fears. But now? I just don't know. I guess I'm just so used to be afraid and anxious that it has become who I am.

What annoys me the most is that the anxiety has gotten worse. Just a few weeks ago I felt like I was in control. Sure, I felt depressed, gloomy and anxious. But I could still have moments where I didn't think of my mental state. But now it's like the gates of hell have opened and all the negative feelings are coming out. My hope is that it's just a period, that it will pass by itself, that it won't get even worse. I don't have any psych-contact right now so I have no help to get through this. And I'm not going to turn to the hospital. I chatted with a friend about it yesterday, we talked about last year and how I spent almost the entire summer at the hospital. And I said they won't get me there again, at least not voluntarily. There's a law in Sweden that they can lock you up in a psych-unit if you are a danger to yourself or others. I'm sure that laws like that exist all over the world.

So I've been trying to stay active. To do things almost all the time. My mind is working slowly though. Well, it doesn't when it comes to the negative thoughts, it can bombard me with negativity all the time. But when I want to focus on something else, it just doesn't follow my lead. I dyed my hair yesterday, exercised, cooked, cleaned, read, wrote, watched TV. And today I have so far had breakfast, read the news, done the dishes, done the laundry and chatted with a friend. So, I'm trying hard to keep busy. I need to, I feel like a ticking bomb and it will explode the moment I lose control. I'll soon exercise and watch "Downton Abbey". Then I'll cook, shave the sides of my hair, shower, read, write a letter, reply to an e-mail (at least start), watch TV. Cuddle my cat. Yeah, I want to cuddle my cat!

Plans for the week: meet my social worker T tomorrow, meet my friend A from France on Wednesday and go to the Fields of the Nephilim-concert on Sunday. Fuck, so much social activity. And I'll start pmsing soon. When you have PCOS like me your pms-symptoms can get really bad. I tend to feel like I have the flu a few days before I get my period, then I bloat up (swollen all over my body), then I get bad bad bad cramps and about a day or two before my period I get emotionally uncontrollable and suicidal. Yeah, now that's something to looks forward to. NOT.

Artificial Coma

Another night without much sleep. I fell asleep around 3 a.m. but woke up at 6, at 8 and at 9. I finally got up at 10 a.m. because I couldn't stand being in bed anymore. My cat was snoring next to me so I cuddled her a bit and then I started the new day. Not much has happened yet though. My roommate is awake but he is keeping to himself. He tends to run around in a bathrobe in the mornings and I don't know, it looks like he's naked under it. Haha. It's Friday and my boyfriend will be home from work one and a half hours earlier which is really nice. Until he gets here I want to clean up the place a bit, do the dishes and switch from pyjamas to a bra, a shirt and some leggings. Just so he doesn't see me as a lazy butt. 

I haven't planned much for the weekend. I guess we'll watch some DVDs. We'll maybe go and buy a new livingroom table as I got P's rent for April yesterday. That's actually my only income right now, the around 200 UsDollars (2000 SEK) that I get from P each month. And I spend that money on make-up and petrol for our car. I found a cheap and pretty livingroom table on the net so we'll go to the store and take a look at it. I don't get why livingroom tables are always so low, I want one that is high enough so I can have a meal in front of the TV without bending down and getting  a back pain.

I looked through my phone this morning and I found out that I haven't called or texted with anyone else than M for almost a month. Now that's pathetic!! Okay, I chat with people on Facebook but really, I haven't texted with a single person?!? What the heck do I have a cellphone for then? Pathetic! Then I realized that I haven't met a single friend since the end of January. I'm an expert at isolation. I sent myself into an exile. I'm pathetic.

When I think of the lack of sleep and the terrible anxiety I'm having these days, I think of my mate E that I met at a psych-unit I was admitted to last year. She's a really beautiful and smart person. She's suffering from GAD and often falls into deep depression. Poor girl got psychotic because of Seroquel (weird, eh? It's supposed to help you get rid of psychosis, not to give you one!) and smashed the front door of the unit, trying to escape. And she's really short and skinny. No idea where she got that power from. Anyway, so we were sitting in the TV-room of the unit and talked about anxiety and lack of sleep. And we both came to the conclusion that we would love to be put into an artifical coma for a few months, just so the body and the heart can get some rest. And to wake up rested! It's kind of weird that we both had thought of that before. I wonder if many people with anxiety have that wish, to be put into a coma for a time. It's kind of the light version of suicidality I guess. 

Studies

Another worthless day is coming to an end. I haven't done much. I exercised! So that's an improvement! I talked to a friend of mine from France who will be in Stockholm for a few days at the end of this month, with her family. And she wants to meet up. That's great and all but but but but .. how the heck am I going to survive that? My boyfriend probably can't drive me because he has to work so I'll have to take the subway. Something that I haven't done for months. So, take the subway, walk around in central Stockholm on my own and meet my friend. I really don't see it happen. But I have to, I don't want to come with some stupid excuse. Lots of sedatives isn't the solution either, I don't want to make a fool out of myself in front of her family. Damn.

I have been quite a hypochondriac today. I have had stomach cramps and I'm bloated. And now I'm almost convinced that I have ovarian cancer. I read an article about it yesterday so of course I now think that I have all the symptoms. Gosh, I'm so stupid! My grandma had ovarian cancer though and I know it's hereditary. I have never had a papsmear done so I guess I'll have to book an appointment. Just to be sure and to ease my thoughts. A woman should get a papsmear once a year anyway and I never had one done, so there is nothing strange about me getting an appointment. Eh?

I have been looking for internet-based university courses for the fall-semester. The application has to be in until the end of next week. I am still registered for the Master's program in literary studies but that's normal classes that I have to attend physically. And I don't see that happening. Last September I actually gave it a try for three weeks but then I was put on a sickleave. I just couldn't handle the social side of it, being in a room with 200 people while panicking inside isn't really the best position for learning. I also have trouble focusing. I wonder if my concentration will ever come back. I have always had problems with focusing but I still managed to study for an hour before having to take a break. Well, so I thought I'd take an online university class. Nothing that I need to pass, nothing that puts too much pressure on me. Just something to do, something that stimulates my intellect. So I have been looking at the offered classes and I am now torn between a course in philosphy B (I have already done A some years ago and it would be cool to take the B and write an actual paper on some interesting theory. But that's a really demanding course ...), Literature and existential questions ( sounds superinteresting to me) or maybe a language (they offer Russian, Chinese and Japanese, I could take any of those but I'm leaning towards Russian). So what to do? And what if I'm too bad during the fall and can't pass? I am not good at taking decisions!

Nope. Going to bed now. It's past 1 a.m.. I have taken my Propavan three (!!!) hours ago and I don't feel much from it. I have a bit less anxiety and I'm a bit drowsy. But not tired. Stupid stupid sleepingpills that don't do their job!! I guess I'll read for an hour and then try to sleep. Nighty night!

My anxieties have anxieties

Everything got out of hand yesterday evening. I had stomach cramps and my anxiety was sky-high. I still don't know where the stomach-cramps came from. They came either from my period (I doubt that though as they were more on the upper part of my stomach) or they were GAD-related (more likely). You know, I can actually feel the difference between my "anxieties". My GAD-anxiety is sneaky, always there and can sometimes just be physical symptoms that cause me to become a hypochondriac mess. Then there are panic attacks which are more sudden and that come up in certain situations. Then there's anxiety because of anxiety, the fear of getting anxiety. And anxiety because of my social anxiety. And sucicidal anxiety. And finally dissociative anxiety which is so fucked up that it leaves me in a state of apathy. Anyway, I think last night I had GAD-anxiety. I'm feeling a bit dizzy and off today which also often is a sign for too much worrying and underlying and constant anxiety. FUCK THIS!

As always, I didn't sleep to well. I was awake until 4 a.m. and woke up at 9 because my cat jumped around on me. Bless her, I love her, but damn! I haven't done that much yet, just my usual morning-routines. I just finished doing the dishes. I want to continue replying to an e-mail, then read and then exercise. We'll see how that goes.

I like my room mate. He leaves me alone. He doesn't bother me. He doesn't ask me how I'm doing. He doesn't give me that sort of negative attention that I hate getting. You know, when people feel sorry for you and want to help. That kind of attention just makes me feel vulnerable and inferior.

The sun is shining. I'm listening to Peter Murphy's "A strange kind of love" on repeat. I'm trying. I'm really trying.