Out of order - but somehow functioning

I've been really uninspired during the last few days hence the lack of posts. I have discovered a website where you can play old Nintendo games for free (nesforever) so I have been playing Super Mario Bros 3 all weekend long. And I really didn't do much else. It actually helped me a bit to get out of the dark valley of depression because it kept me busy. I didn't have to think much, I could just focus on pressing the right button and making the little plumber jump. I have gotten tired of the games now though because I can't get past a certain level and that makes me frustrated. So now I'm trying to tackle reality again, no more brainkilling games and no more wasting whole days with sitting in front of the computer.

Yesterday I went to the Peter Murphy-concert in Stockholm. He was playing Bauhaus-songs and I really couldn't have missed that. The moment we arrived at the venue someone called out my name and some of my friends were sitting outside, eating kebab. Don't people usually eat kebab after a show?!? Anyway, we went in and there were lots of people and I started to panic. I felt sick to my stomach and I was sure I was going to throw up. But I'm good at holding up a mask and I don't think anyone noticed. Actually, I was close to panic during the whole night. I tried to push the feeling away. I told myself that I won't throw up. I have never thrown up because of a panic attack and only once because of anxiety. But the horror-scenarios were in my head, the embarassment I would feel if I threw up in a crowded place, how everyone would stare at me and think that I'm disgusting. Despite that I actually enjoyed myself. I goofed around with my friends, talked with a lot of people and it felt good to be social.And I felt pretty. This seldomly happens. I am really ashamed of my body because of the huge weight-gain. And yeah, my stomach looked big last night but I didn't care much. I had a jacket on that hid it a bit. My hair looked amazing, the purple turned out well and I fixed my goth-mohawk. I also loved the dress I was wearing and my make-up was perfect. So yeah, I felt pretty and somewhat confident. And it was kind of cool that a lot of people asked me if they could take a picture of me. Oh, and the concert was fantastic. I was in the first row and I was often just closing my eyes, listening to the music, singing along. There were some awkward moments though. There was no barrier between the stage and the crowd so I was really really close to the band and Murphy. And I don't like someone singing and looking into my eyes. And that happened a few times. That's really the kind of attention I hate getting. Yeah, and all the time I was thinking about how embarrassing and catastrophical it would be if I threw up right on stage. I also zoned out a few time, I slipped into some kind of dissociativ state. Still, I enjoyed myself. Our friend K came with us after the show because she lives close to where we live so we dropped her off at her house. We talked about cats. Random, I know.

I'm really exhausted now. My cat woke me up at 9 a.m. which is basically the middle of the night for me. That little monster hopped around on me and when I had gotten up she went to her favourite chair and fell asleep. So I have been chatting with people on Facebook. And I have read up on streaming. It is not illegal in Sweden to watch streamed film and series. So I'll be busy the next few years, watching movies. And I think I'll start with the third season of the Walking Dead tonight.

I have tried out the Diazepam. And it felt like I couldn't breathe. I don't know if that was due to the pill, my fear around new meds and or the bleach in my hair. I had bleached my hair earlier that day and I can get a bit wuzzy from the bleach. It was probably a combination of the three. I also felt really dizzy and my arms and legs didn't really follow me. I was basically in bed for an hour, hyperventilating. I am sensitive to medication after all so I thought the Diazepam was too strong for me and it would stop breathing at any second and just drop dead. I just fell asleep after a while. I will give it another go. Next time my anxiety is really really high, I'll take another one. And I'll have my boyfriend around in case I really stop breathing. I think I just overreacted and panicked. Diazepam is stronger than Oxazepam after all.

Tomorrow T will come over. He will have three weeks off in July and asked me if I want another person visiting me during those weeks or if it is enough with a person I can call in case I need help. I don't think I want to meet yet another person and T and I only sit and talk anyway so I'll be fine with a number I can call. On Friday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist. I have decided I don't want to try out the Lithium because 1. I don't have an official bipolar-diagnosis 2. I'm afraid of side-effects, especially the weight-gain, and I have always ended up in hospital when I tried a new med 3. I don't trust that there will be any follow-ups when he is not working at the center anymore and I'll have yet another psychiatrist and 4. I have PCOS and I'm afraid that it will mess up my thyroid. I don't know what he will say to this. It might seem like I don't want any help and that's not true. I just want the right kind of help and I am too afraid of new meds. I'm quite sure that he will be disappointed and a bit helpless because there basically isn't much he can do. We'll see how that goes.

Today I still need to exercise and prepare lunch/dinner/food. I also want to try to write a poem or a short text for my psychiatrist's book. I'm just so damn tired! And my body is really hurting. I'm not used to being outside, I'm not used to meeting people, and I'm not used to stand for hours and then dance for hours. And I'm allergic to my hairspray so I'm sneezing all the time. I should try to get my hair down too. But I'll start with the exercise and then try to write something. I'd rather be in bed and sleep.

In Control

I'm doing alright right now. I'm just a bit exhausted and hungover. And tired. I can't believe that I have been able to enjoy myself yesterday. All social activities are often connected to panic attacks and anxiety for me. But yesterday it went quite alright.

We went to see Fields of the Nephilim last night. That's a gothrock-band, there are basically two big gothrock bands which have been around forever: Sisters of Mercy and Fields of the Nephilim. So I just had to go, I didn't want to miss the concert. I of course had the typical breakdown when I realized that all of my clothes made me look like a whale but I eventually got over it. And it was fun to style myself up, to back-comb my hair, to use fake eye-lashes and to put on lots and lots of make-up and jewelry. I have missed that, looking beautiful. 

When we arrived at the venue, we ran into people we know right away. That was the one thing I had been most afraid of, to meet friends and mates. Many of them I hadn't seen in many many months. But everyone came up to us, hugged us, talked to us. And I got to hear more than once how happy people were to see me. I felt loved! I had been convinced that people had forgotten about me but apparently they hadn't. They were all concerned about my health but I said that I was alright, that I hadn't been at the hospital for months. And I didn't say more about it. 

During the concert I was standing next to my friend V. I love that girl so much! First off, she is so beautiful! There are always guys hitting on her which really isn't making her boyfriend all too happy. But really, she is the nicest, smartest and most honest person I know. She has mental illness too so I don't feel like I need to hide something in front of her. I hadn't seen her in almost a year which is really crazy! Anyway, we were dancing, drinking and just having a good time. But ah, my feet and my back hurt bad after a while. I should have chosen better shoes. Oh well. The concert was great, the show was actually sold out and people were really enjoying themselves. 

Now I'm thinking about if I should push myself more or if the good mood I was in yesterday was just an exception. I was close to panic a few times but I was in control. I don't know. I'm invited to a party next Saturday, at J's place. The thing is that my boyfriend is going out with some old schoolfriends that night so I would have to go alone. And I don't think I can handle it. I could take a cab to J's place but really, that would be just a waste of money. And taking the subway on my own on a Saturday night, I rather not do that. We'll see, I probably won't go.

This week one of my favourite authors, Ben Okri will be at some kind of discussion on alienation. It's for free so I think I'll most definetely go there. My boyfriend has most of the week off from work due to May 1st (worker's day). So he could come with me. I'd love to get one of my books by Okri signed. And then there are the May-demonstrations/protests, I might go with the socialist party. So there are things that I could do this week. Maybe I should just push myself. Haha, I'm sure that in a few hours I'll break down and give up on everything again. All the love that I felt yesterday has given me a high but it's dangerous to crash from a high to a really low. And that's what always happens.