After a week of silence

My last entry is from a week ago which is kind of shocking because I have so much to talk about and so many thoughts in my head. So I guess you'll get more than one entry today. You are all so lucky! Haha. My mum has left two days ago and I'm enjoying the freedom of being on my own. My boyfriend is still off from work but around him I can be myself. When someone else is in the same apartment, I always have to put my mask up and pretend that I'm alright. Really, only with my boyfriend I can be myself. I can't believe that he has actually stayed with me through all these years of poverty, depression, suicide attempts, throw backs and drama. This is one of the reasons why I have agreed to marry this man. Because he knows me. He knows how bad I can be doing. He hates my mental illness and he often says that he can't take it anymore. But still, he stays with me. And he has learned to give me my space. He knows that I HATE if people give me attention when I'm not doing well. So yeah, around him I can be myself. And use the bathroom without closing the door, run around in my underwear, without make-up. As nice it was to have my mum here to visit us, it was also really exhausting and I'm glad that things are back to normal now.

Last weekend we spent on the beach here at Alby lake. The lake is just around the corner from where we live, it's a two minutes walk from our building. I'm not so much into summer, beach, sunshine. I actually hate it. It has a lot to do with my body-issues. I have gotten really FAT and I would never show myself to anyone in a bathing suit. And no, I'm not whining, I think I weight between 90 and 95 kg so I'm actually obese. We packed down a blanket and some water and just went down to the beach. The first day we only sat there and enjoyed the view over the lake. We walked through the water with our bare feet and later sat down, smoked a few cigarettes and watched other people. There were two huge parties going on. One was some kind of Nigerian wedding and the other ones was a Sri Lankian party with a band and everything. The next day my mum and my boyfriend packed their bathing clothes and actually swam in the lake a few times. I was listening to music and reading a magazine and randomnly talking to a guy next to me. I love water, it always calms me down. I don't think I have ever had a panic attack close to water. I come from a sea town and I am used to the soothing sound water makes, the wind, the birds. So I actually enjoyed myself. It was a bit too hot for me though and on the way I got a minor panic attack because of that. I have low blood pressure and the hot sun tends to make me dizzy and that caused the panic.

My boyfriend and me at the lake on Saturday (I usually don't post pics of myself but you can only see my fat ass so I'm fine with it)

On Monday it was my boyfriend's birthday. We left in the morning and took the car to Mariefred. That's a small but cute town about 100 km South-West of Stockholm. We wanted to visit Gripsholms Castle which is one of the royal castles. It was so hot that day! USH! First we walked around the castle, looked at runestones they had dug up there and checked out the premisses.

One of the runestones. I love Swedish runestones. They always tell a story. I particulary love this one with the beautiful snake. It's about someone dying in a war.

They are really old, this one was from the 11th century. 

View from the castle-premisses over Mariefred. So beautiful!

It was quite expensive to get into the castle but we really wanted check it out. The castle is known for its huge collection of portraits from the 16th century and onwards. There are over 4000 paintings in the castle. The castle was built in the 16th century and has since then been part of the series of royal castles and has been rebuilt many times. For a while it was a prison.. It was so beautiful! We walked around the different rooms, looked a the paintings, the interior, the painted and decorated ceilings, the wallpaper, the beds, the prison-cells, the tower. I think we were in the castle for over three hours. Unfortunately you weren't allowed to take any pictures inside the castle. But many of the paintings were so wonderful and it was awesome to see the changes through the years, in the clothes of the people portrayed, in the style of the paintings. I really loved the castle. I think my favourite room was the theatre. They had their own theatre! It was so serene and beautiful. 

The inner courtyard with a wishing well in the middle

The castle from the back

Then we went for a walk in the park, looked at statues and the beautiful (but small) garden. It was really hot so we spend some minutes on a bench in the shadows. We then walked over to Mariefred. It wasn't a long walk but in the hot sun it was quite exhausting. Mariefred is such an idyllic and calm place. The center is exactly how someone would imagine a Swedish town would look like. There are only around 3000 people living there but many tourists were in town. Many of the movies based on Astrid Lindgren's children-books were filmed in Mariefred. We checked out all the small cute shops and finally found a place where we could have lunch. I had the most yummy smoked salmon. We sat outside, just looking at people passing by and later had some coffee and cake. We walked to the lake-side and there I found my favourite place in Sweden so far. It was so calm! There were all the small red and yellow houses in the back and there was open water. You could hear the water splash on the stones of the beach. It was so calm! There were barely any people around. I felt so calm and it was such an intense feeling. I really loved that spot. Anyway, later we walked back to the car and because I was so tired and it was so hot, I was quite anxious and really only wanted to get back home. 

The town house of Mariefred

My favourite spot

The last day of my mum's visit we spent mostly at home. We just went grocery shopping. My mum wasn't feeling too well. I think she realized that she had to get back home, to her problems, to the divorce, the money-problems and all that. So we just hung out, watched a movie, cooked lunch and my mum later took a walk to the lake. And then on Wednesday we drove her to the airport. I talked to her today and she is ill. She has a uterus-infection and high fever. She has gotten bacteria from somewhere. I assume it's from the lake. I guess I'm lucky I didn't take a swim in there.

It was all a bit overwhelming for me, to have her around, to be out so much. Yes, I have had some nice moments and but my social anxiety blossomed up many many times. The worst was when we were having lunch in Mariefred and there were these two teenagers who couldn't stop staring at me. Eventually I had to switch seats with my mum, I couldn't take it anymore. But I must say that I'm proud of myself. I managed to go out a few times, I didn't complain and I saw some interesting and beautiful things. Who knows, maybe I'll even have the guts to go down to the lake by myself, with a book and some music. But I doubt that. The week with my mum was quite exhausting and I really need to rest a few days now. Today my boyfriend started a fight with me because he wants to do something "special" on our wedding day. Like eating out or taking a trip. But I don't want that. I want to be calm and happy and not anxious on that day. I want to focus on him and our love and not be overly aware of all the people staring at us because we are overdressed at a cheap restaurant. I think he has understood that now after he talked to his sister on the phone. She has social anxiety too and totally understands what I mean. I need rest, sleep and time on my own (plus with my two cats and my boyfriend) during the next few days. I'll read, write, play stupid Facebook-games and watch movies and series. That's exactly what I need!

10 things you don't know about me

I have stolen this idea from http://www.life-collection.com/. Here are ten things that you don't know about me:

One 

I used to be a huge Take That-fan. For those of you who don't know: Take That were the most successful boyband from the UK in the 90s. They became famous in the early 90s and had a huge fan-following. Maybe you know who Robbie Williams is, he left the band in 1996 to persue a solo-career. They are actually still huge, Robbie was back with them some years ago and they have been selling millions of records. Anyway, I was deeply in love with Mark Owen. He was the cutest of them all in my opinion. I had hundreds of Take That-posters on my wall, honestly, my room was like a crazy fangirl shrine. I had a huge collection of articles, photos, CDs, you name it.  I got a mental breakdown when Robbie Williams had left the band. I saw them live once, in 1995. I kind of grew out of that phase when I was about 16. I still went to see Robbie Williams, Gary Barlow and Mark Owen solo in concert though. I'm not too ashamed of my fangirl-period. I was young, I didn't know better. And the music rescued me many many times. I haven't listened to their music in ages though.

Two
I told a huge lie when I was 15 years old. First off, I don't like lies. I'm all about honesty. That's actually one of the most important thing for me in a relationship and in friendships. So, I was 15 years old and I was feeling like crap. I was fat, ugly, I felt stupid, I was bullied all the time at school and I didn't have much self-esteem. I wanted attention. Now that I look back at it, I could have gotten attention by just telling the truth about my situation. I should have just told someone about the abuse at home, about the sexual abuse I had to endure by some guys at school, about the constant bullying and name-calling. It all started with my French teacher telling me off for not paying any attention and never doing my home-work. I looked for an excuse. And I told her that I was pregnant! I told her that because being pregnant would mean that I'd be worried and anxious and really not able to focus on school. I told her that I wanted to get an abortion. She believed me. But somehow it slipped out and everybody at school knew what I had told her. That meant that I had to lie to my friends too. It all turned into a huge mess. Lies will always come out as lies eventually. After a while my friends accused me of lying and I told them the truth. I'm not proud of this. I have no excuse but well, there were many reasons. I wanted attention, I wanted people to realize how bad I was doing and I wanted to be like everyone else, because everyone else was talking about sex and whom they have done it with. I was good at lying back then. I deceived my gym-teacher by wearing a bandage on my arm for three weeks, telling him I was injured and couldn't participate in class. These days I'm really bad at lying and I bascially never lie. I think it was just my teenage-hormones or something.

Three
The thing that most hurts me when it comes to my years in Germany is the bullying I had to go through. It wasn't enough that I was beaten at home, it wasn't enough that guys sexually abused me. No, I had terrible nicknames. And those hurt so bad because they were about my appearance. I got enough bullying at home about how stupid I was. About what a bad person I was because I don't just adapt. The first nickname I had was "truck". My sister was "mini-truck". It was all about that we were a bit chunky. I have always been overweight but when I had that nickname I wasn't that huge. The second name I got was "Gonzo". Do you know the character from the Muppets show? The blue one with the huge nose? I don't think I have a huge nose but yeah, it's a bit on the big side. It's because I'm half-Iranian I guess. Then there was "Alf". I'm sure you know who that is. The nose again. And the last one is "penguin". And no, not because of the cute and awesome animals, no, it was because of the penguin in Batman played by Danny DeVito. I was goth (still am), was overweight, short and had a huge nose. That nickname hurt me so much! Because the character is male and supposed to be ugly. That name followed me until I moved to Sweden. Guys were appalled by me because everyone told them to be! There was a rumour once, that I had slept with one guy. But I hadn't! Anyway, I remember one of the "elite-goths" pulling him to the side and telling him off, about how stupid he is to sleep with me, how that would lower his social status. It hurt me so much!

Four
I've studied three and a half years at university in Kiel to become a teacher. I was to become a teacher in English and Social Studies. I didn't want to become a teacher. I just didn't know what else to study and everybody kept telling me that I need to study something that leads to a job. And I thought teacher will always be needed. I didn't suck at my studies, I passed all exams. I even did two internships at schools and taught pupils (up to grade 10). But I didn't love the idea of becoming a teacher. It felt like I was going to get stuck in dead end. You are a teacher and that's how far you will advance. I didn't have the passion. I got really good grades in English (I really was an A-student and even tutored other people) and I was thinking about just studying English. I was working on two Bachelor papers when I decided to move to Sweden. So I dropped out of university. That was probably for the best. Now I feel like I want to teach on another level, at university, to teach people who actually want to learn something must be so much more rewarding than teaching kids who are forced to listen to you.

Five
I used to be on a swimming team. I learnt how to swim when I was 5 years old. And I just continued going to classes. I loved it! I usually hate sports, even watching others doing sports. I somehow don't feel like I'm a sport's person. That has a lot to do with my body image. When you are overweight you really avoid sports because you probably will suck at it. I'm also quite short so yeah, I have always sucked at sports. I even had to take special classes in elementary school because I sucked at it. But I love swimming. You feel weightless and it's so easy to move in water. I used to swim in competitions (never been the winner though, always second of third), I have all kinds of badges and I even taught small children how to swim. Well, I quit all that when I was 14 years old. We had moved and the pool was too far away from where we lived. These days I never go swimming. Social anxiety and low self esteem prevent me from that. But if I had my own pool, where no one could see me, I would swim every day! I miss swimming.

Six
I don't like sex. There are tons of reasons for that. I have been sexually abused and raped. I hate my body and really feel uncomfortable when someone sees me naked. I can't let go, I can't relax, I need to be in control. I hadn't had consentual sex before the age of 23. I just never said yes to anyone. There were guys trying to get me into bed, despite all the bullying. I have some funny stories to tell. And I had had lots of petting, blow jobs and all of that. But I just never had "real" sex. I have never had an orgasm with another person. Ever. It's the let go-thing. And I'm apalled by sweat and when another person sweats around me I just can' t get turned on. All that doesn't mean that I'm asexual. I can get horny, I like to play with myself, I get attracted to people. But when it comes to me getting involved into something, I'm blocked. My boyfriend and I rarely have sex. It can go months without it. I can't believe he is actually staying with me, most men probably would have left me. I somehow prefer being on my own and getting it over with, than being with someone else where I have to be in control all the time because I don't want to seem disgusting.

Seven
I have had way too many boyfriends and girlfriends. Honestly, from the age of 12 until the age of maybe 19 I wasn't single for longer than a week. I must have dated over 25 different people.  And I dated anyone who was interested in me. Most of those people were really "below" me. I don't mean it in an arrogant way. They actually were. One guy, M, was four years older than me (I was 12), he was high all the time and he eventually stole my bike and left me. Another one was a nazi who didn't even finish elementary school. And another one was an unemployed alcoholic. The list goes on and on. There was one guy, really only one guy, that sticks out as a positive, A. He was my age, we shared many interests, we discussed poetry and philosophy, liked the same music and were both kind of rebellic. We dated for six months which is the longest relationship I had had before my current one (which has lasted for 8 1/2 years so far). But A is gay. I have been his only girlfriend ever. After me he only dated guys. That really was bad for my self-esteem. I think I was kind of drawn to the troubled guys who treated my badly because of how my childhood was. A violent drug-addict seemed like the perfect man for me because my father is that way.

Eight
I don't like children. It's not that I hate them. They can be cute and they can be really funny. Some can bring a smile to my face. We have this one Japanese family in our building and they have a little girl and she is super-cute. She always asks me questions and is really bold about things. Great girl. But I don't have any maternal instincts. I don't want to be a mother. I don't want to be responsible for a little being. I also don't connect with children. It's kind of weird but I don't know how to adapt to their level. I always feel condenscending when I talk to a child in child-language. I think it has a lot to do with me having to babysit our neighbour's baby when I was 10 years old. The baby just didn't stop crying and I didn't know what to do. I hate screaming and crying children! I want them to stay away from public transport, restaurants, cafés and supermarkets.

Nine
My biggest hobby is letter-writing. I'm talking about actual letters and not e-mails. I handwrite my letter on beautiful stationary. I have around 50 penpals from all over the world. It's such a great way to learn things about different cultures and to make friends. I really like that it's old school. So I spend most of my evenings sitting in front of the TV or listening to music and writing letters. I write really long letters, not just one page but 20, 30, 40 pages. My penpals are my friends. I have met a few of them in real life and I care about all of them a lot.

Ten
I like putting labels on myself. I know that most people don't like that because they want to be individuals and don't want to be seen as someone just adapting to something. Well, I think my labels make me an individual. I love that I'm goth. I'm an atheist, a socialist, a humanist, a LGBT-supporter. And I especially love calling myself an intellectual. It's something that I have only discovered when I moved to Sweden. I have never been good at school. I didn't have lots of good grades. So I thought I wasn't educated. But I read at home. I read lots and lots of books. I've always had an interest in philosophy, history, politics, culture. I just never saw myself as one of the people who know a lot. But now I know that I'm smart and educated, I voice my (educated) opinions. I get excellent grades at university. I have two degrees and I'm eager to go even further.  It has nothing to do with being arrogant. I would probably be just as happy if I had realized that I was great at gardening. Being educated, smart and intellectual just is me. I'm happy about knowing who and what I am.