Will it ever get any better?

I haven't had a good morning. I am so unfocused, it's almost scary. Just writing these lines is really difficult right now. I feel so restless and anxious. Last night I thought I was drifting into psychosis, I don't know, my thoughts were racing and I felt so restless in my body. I tried to write a letter but couldn't focus. I tried to read but I couldn't focus. I tried to watch a movie, I couldn't focus. I have had bad period where I couldn't concentrate much but I don't think it has ever been so bad as right now. I feel like I have a million things to do. And I want to do these things. But I can't start and if I start I lose focus right away. I have always been saying that my mind, my intellect, my brain is my strength. But right now it's failing me. I guess I'll just keep on trying and hopefully I can get something done. I can maybe start doing some patches for me jacket today, and figure out how the sewing-machine works and how to apply studs. Maybe it's easier to do something with my hands than to do something with my mind. I don't like being in this state of total restlessness. I don't even know if it's anxiety, last night it was, but is it right now?

I was supposed to meet T, my social worker, today. But he cancelled our appointment. He had been to the dentist and is kind of incapable of talking. We'll maybe meet up tomorrow instead. I don't care. I'd rather not meet him. I don't want to be around people, my social anxiety is really bad.

The atmosphere in the flat isn't that positive right now. My boyfriend is kind of sad because his biological father has died. I don't actually know if he is sad. His feelings are a negative mess at the moment. Our roommate has started taking a new antidepressant and it is making him feel really bad. He has really bad anxiety and he won't have an appointment with his psychiatrist any time soon. So I gave him a few of my Oxazepam. I know, that's not good or smart. Hopefully his doctor will give him some proper sedatives soon. And I'm a mess too. But I don't know why. I'm tired and restless. Anxious. Sad. Imagine the Duracell-bunny with puffy eyes, tears running down its cheeks and screaming out of fear. That's me.

I  called the council and asked for an appointment to get married. We are getting married on August 15th. It's not a romantic thing, it's more about being reasonable. I would get  a Swedish last name. We have been together for over 8 years. So why not get married? We are not going to make a big deal out of it. We won't invite anyone. We can't afford a wedding. I'm not even sure if  we can afford rings. I won't have a wedding dress, there won't be any cake, there won't be any guests. I have never dreamed of a big wedding anyway. I basically just want to get it over with. I think my social anxiety plays a role in this too. I don't like to be around people. I don't want to be in the center of attention. I might have to explain it better: I don't mind talking in front of people if it has to do with my knowledge. But I hate the attention when it comes to me as a person, my personality, my personal space, my feelings. That's why group therapy has always been diffcult for me.

I have also applied for Swedish citizenship. That cost me around 200 Euro. I'm just waiting for them to send me a copy of the online application I have already filled in so I can sign it. And then I'll have to send my German passport to them. As far as I have understood, I can have double-citzenship. The reason why I want the Swedish citizenship is to be able to go and vote. And to feel like I'm part of society for real. Eh, and in the unlike event of a war it wouldn't be bad to have two citzenships. But yeah, I won't get a result from that for another 10 months or so.

I'll try to exercise now. And then I'll cook. Well, it won't be much cooking. We have some pre-marinated chicken that I'll put in the oven. All I have to do is cook rice and make a salad. I'm a lazy bastard. I hope I can read a bit later. The whole DIY-thing seems like a lot of work to me right now. I think I'll postpone that to the weekend instead. I want the jacket to be fancy until the Peter Murphy-concert which is on June 10th. Still almost two weeks. Gosh, I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. Gah!

Zombie

It's raining. Really hard rain. And it is warm. I feel like I can't breathe. And I'm so exhausted. I couldn't fall asleep last night. All the time I thought: "Now I'm getting up and I'm going to take a Zoplicone!". But I didn't get up. I fell asleep around 4 a.m. and woke up at 7. I wandered around in the flat for a while, smoking, drinking water, cuddling the cat. I went back to sleep and my cat woke me up at 8.30 a.m.. I don't know why. In the end we fell asleep together, she was on my stomach. I woke up at 11 a.m. and since then I have been trying to get out of a sleepy state. I can barely open my eyes. But my thoughts are still spinning and my heart is beating at a high rate. I feel like I'm drugged, my body is in some kind of stupor. I'll most definitely not take Propavan for a few nights. My sleeping can't get any worse and I won't have such horrible hangovers. I used to be able to accept the hangovers because the pill was working. But without it working why should I endure the hangovers? So sometime next week I'll skip the Propavan for a few days. I know it has a sedative effect too so I guess I'll have increased anxiety. But I have Valium now so I can somehow make it work. 

I have also decided that I need to get things done. I feel like I'm wasting away my days with the internet and TV. I'm often surprised when it's evening and I really haven't done anything productive at all during the day. I'm most creative and productive during the evenings, that's when I write, that's when I do my DIY. But I should fill the days with something too. So I thought about doing a timetable, I have done it before and it worked alright. It would do a lot about the guilt, the feeling of being lazy. I know, it's the anxiety and the depression that's holding me back. But I should at least give it a try. I could clean for instance. Or read. I haven't been reading a lot lately which is totally weird. I love reading. Our apartment is never chaotic but it just isn't clean. We'll see, if not taking the Propavan gives me more energy I can give it a try.

I can't stop thinking and worrying about the whole bipolar and Lithium-thing. I have even been thinking about trying Seroquel again. I only gave it a two days-trial and then gave up on it. The Abilify and the Zyprexa helped but gave me bad side-effects. Maybe the Seroquel will help too? I really should give those thoughts a rest. Not think about it for a few days and then look at it with fresh eyes. I've been hearing and reading so many different things about the Lithium so I really don't know. When it comes to medication it really comes to the individual level, every person reacts to it differently.

I wish my brain would function normally right now. I feel like a zombie. My boyfriend just went out to do some errands. Well, mostly my errands. I needed new glue for my mail art things. But he also needed to go to the pharmacy to fetch his allergy-meds. So I don't have to feel guilty about him going out just for me. I think I'll do the dishes now, then fold the laundry and then try to exercise. I need to get out of this zombie-like state. 

And there's more ... spending money, death and riots

As my boyfriend has decided to take care of dinner/lunch/food today I thought I'd write another entry. I'm usually the one who cooks but during the weekends I let him take over. And honestly, we don't work well in the kitchen together. He finds me way too controlling and well, I probably am. I just want things to be done right! Haha. Everyone is barbecueing today but we don't have anywhere we can use a grill. Well, we could walk down to the lake, they have a public barbecue-area there but there are lots of families down there and honestly, I don't like screaming children and fat sweaty men in wife-beaters. So we'll fry our meat instead, we bought barbecue-meat. So yeah, it will be almost like a barbecue. 

After my appointment with the psychiatrist, my boyfriend and I went to a mall close to where we live so I could buy the things I need for my DIY-project. I want to pimp up a jacket with patches and studs. By the time we got to the DIY-store I had already spent most of my money though. I had to pick up my meds (I got a really suspicious look and lots of interrogating questions from the pharmacist. That's what happens if you want to pick up three different benzos), I went to H&M and bought some lipstick, went to another store to buy some concealer and primer and I went to a huge store with small cute things for the home (It's called "Lagerhaus"). They had fake moustaches!! I just had to buy them. Haha. Anyway, so I could only get some basic things at the DIY-store. I had wanted to buy some pens and stamps for my letters too.

Do you want to know how weird my mind works? I'm of course now analyzing if my behaviour, buying all these things, has anything to do with that I might be bipolar. gah! I was just so relieved and happy after the appointment at the psych-center that I happily bought some small things. I didn't buy anything expensive. The most expensive thing I bought was the primer for around 12 UsDollar. So I might be overthinking this. It's not like I bought a pair of shoes for a 1000 bucks. But I must admit that I have been spending quite a lot of money lately, I ordered stationary for 100 UsDollars for instance. But I needed it! Bah, I should try to stop over-thinking things.

We had lunch at a salad-bar. Now that is HUGE for me. I don't eat out, I have real trouble eating in front of other people. I had an avocado-cottage cheese salad and it was yummy! I even let my boyfriend take a picture of me and the food and I uploaded it on Instagram. Big deal for me. 

I skyped with my mum for an hour in the evening, messing around with my moustaches. Haha. I told her that we all think that she's addicted to the internet. And she actually agreed to that. She told me about some fucked-up things that my dad has done lately. She always has a packed bag now, so she can leave at once if necessary. From what she told me, it sounds like he has a drug-induced psychosis. That's what drugs do to you if you have taken them for like 30 years. She said that she won't leave the house until she has an own place to move into, until she knows where to get the money from to survive. That's her decision. I would have left already some weeks ago. My mum looked tired and exhausted. But she laughed hard at my moustache-stunts. It was good to see her.

I then chatted with a friend from åland which was fun. She's a great person and always have something to talk about. Then my boyfriend got a call, his father is dead. The thing is that they never really were in touch, he left his mum when he was only 2, his mum died when he was 3 and he then got adopted by his grandparents. His father only came to visit them when someone had died and he thought he could get some money from inheritence. My boyfriend sent him a letter about a year ago to know about any illnesses in the family but only got a short note back saying that his father doesn't want any contact with him. So yeah, it was more like a relief for him to get to know that his father is dead. Although he is a bit sad that he never really got to know him, never really met him. 

And during the night the riots started again. I'm sure that most of you have read about the riots in Stockholm and especially in the suburbs. It's happening in my suburb too, they burned down cars, they smashed windows and threw stones at the police. Last night I saw a gang of maybe 30 youngsters walk into the center, carrying things they can fight with. It all seems a bit apocalyptic. We bought an extra-insurance for our car so in case it gets burned down, we get money. The thing that is annoying me the most are the helicopters flying around, all the damn time! I get that the police needs to have an overview of the area but those helicopters are loud! I have my strong opinions about the riots that I really don't need to share here. Let's just say it's the government's and the system's fault. If the gap between rich and poor grows, people get upset eventually.

Bipolar?!?

I wanted write an entry yesterday but I was just way too tired. I couldn't focus on anything, let alone write in a language that isn't my mothertongue. I'm having a bad headache today, I took a painkiller this morning, got all drowsy, went back to bed, slept for another two hours and now I think I'm well enough to tackle this day.

So I had the appointment with my new psychiatrist yesterday. It was really difficult for me to get up at 7 a.m., my boyfriend literally had to drag me out of bed. I had two panic-attacks, one in the car on the way to the psych-center, I calmed down and we went inside and I had another panic attack in the waitingroom. As I'm a controlfreak, I can control my reactions to some extent. I don't start crying or screaming. So most people don't even realize when I have a panic attack. Maybe if they sit next to me and they hear me hyperventilating. 

The psychiatrist is a man in his 50s. He was really friendly and I felt at ease right away. He has worked in the pharmaceutic industry for years, doing testings with Abilify and Seroquel. That might make some people suspicious but I thought that was cool because that means that he has a lot of knowledge concerning meds, something that most psychiatrists don't have. He had read my whole (!!!) file which I found very surprising. Most psychiatrists I have met can't even remember your name and they tell you to give them a summary of your life and the meds you have taken. We talked for almost an hour, another positive thing, I often only had gotten 15 minutes of a doctor's time because they are so stressed out. 

So what did he say? He was very honest and said that he doesn't think that I'd be getting any better with only therapy. He said that the therapy will have to last for years and years and that psychodynamic therapy probably is right for me because it has an intellectual perspective. But it won't be enough. I can agree with that, I have done the DBT for a year after all and I haven't improved a bit, nope, I even got worse. He also said that he doesn't look at diagnosiseses in the first place but at the people and the symptoms that he can do something about with medication. And that's fair in my opinion, there is no medical cure for any mental illness and there is not much known about the brain's functions anyway. He told me that after having read my journal he suspects that one of the main illnesses I have is Bipolar Disorder. He doesn't think that I have any personality disorders. He said that my main problem is the anxiety, so I definitely have all those anxiety disorders. And the PTSD is pretty obvious as well. 

So we talked about the Bipolar thing for a while. He said it is Bipolar 2 and that my hypomanic phases just never caused any huge trouble for me because they made me more effective and creative and that that had been a good thing for me, my studies and my writing. And I think that could be true. I have times when I am way more effective and creative, almost obsessed with things and I succeed with about everything I do. And then I have times, mostly when I'm really depressed, when I can't focus at all and I feel like all my abilities and talents have just left me. I just never connected it all together. It's the same with being talkactive. Damn, I can talk a lot and really fast at times. But then I have periods when I don't say much at all. But I'm not impulsive and I never think that I'm a genious or anything. I'm not too sure what to think of all of this. Do I even want to have yet another diagnosis? This is what happens when you have to switch psychiatrists all the time. Everyone says something else. At least no one thinks I have Borderline Personality Disorder anymore. So yay.

Medication. We didn't speak much about sleepingpills because I have already tried all the ones that are out there. He said that I could try to cut down on the Propavan for a while and then take it again, maybe my body will react to it better then. So I'll try to be without it for a couple of nights, maybe next weekend. The most amazing and baffeling thing happened. Well, we all know that psychiatrists are against benzodiazipines, mostly because there are some low-lifes out there who take them illegaly to get high ( hate hate hate those people, they are really making it more difficult to get help when you actually are in need of sedatives). But nope, my new psychiatrist actually offered me a stronger and more long-lasting benzo than the one I'm usually taking. He actually couldn't believe that no one had taken my anxiety seriously before. He of course gave me the talk: not to take the med too often, not overdose, not take it with alcohol. Anyway, I have Valium now. I also convinced him to give me a prescription for the Oxazepam, in case the Valium doesn't work for me. Well, and then he suggested Lithium. He said that it could level my feelings out and that it will do something about my suicidality. I asked him to give me some weeks to think about it. I did a google search, talked with two of my friends who are bipolar and I read up on side-effects. And I have decided to not try it. I have gained sooooooo much weight due to hospital stays and medication, I just can't gain anymore. It's not good for my self-confidence and most importantly, it's not good for my body. And I have PCOS so I don't even think I can take Lithium with that. And there is this HUGE fear of side-effects that I have. The things I have gone through with other meds, I just don't want to re-live that. Nope. The only two meds that actually made me feel better were Lamictal and Abilify, both moodstabilizers, both work for people who are bipolar. Are there any more moodstabilizers out there? What am I to do!?! I know antidepressants haven't worked on me at all so far ...

Uh, and then he gave me the phone-number to his office. I was in shock. I have NEVER gotten the number of a psychiatrist. I never had the possibility to contact them. I almost hugged him because I was so overwhelmed by all of this. I mean, he has read my file, he actually gave me and my problems some attention and real thought. He wasn't demeaning, he treated me like a person. Oh, and he is writing a book right now and as he has had read in my file that I'm good with words he asked me to write a poem or a short prosa-piece on how I have been treated by psych-professionals. I'll give that a try. I'll meet him in three weeks again and hopefully he has another suggestion than Lithium. 

I'm really confused right now. Am I really bipolar? Should I try any more medication? I'll try not to think about it this weekend. At the moment I'm just glad that I've met the first friendly psychiatrist since my journey with mental illness started. Sadly enough, he'll only work at the center until autumn. Now that's my luck!

Gloomy Day

The anxiety is overbearing today. I'm so restless, I can't focus on anything. I just want it to stop! The weather is grey, cold and rainy today. And I kind of like it, it's mellow and calm. No screaming kids outside. I don't think there is a noise more annoying than screaming kids. I have the strong desire to just crawl back into bed, fall asleep and just forget about this day. Really, I hate waking up in the morning, knowing that there is a new day to tackle, a new day with lots of anxiety, crying and meaningless routines.

T was here yesterday and we called the psych-center together. They called me back later that day and finally  admitted that it was kind of wrong to just drop me like that, to let me go without any psych-contact for months even though it says in my file that there is a high suicide-risk. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday. I have never met that guy so I'll keep an open mind. I don't have a lot of good experiences with psych-doctors, they are often condescending and somewhat mean. But I don't need anything special so I have nothing to worry. I'll put all my energy into getting into the psychodynamic therapy. I don't think medication will help me much because I'm over-sensitive to meds. So I'll only ask if he has any other suggestion when it comes to sleepingpills because the Propavan doesn't do shit anymore. And I'll ask for some new sick-papers as mine were only valid until the end of March. It's not like I'll get any money from anywhere but it would feel better to have it black on white that it's okay that I'm not doing anything right now. I often feel like a burden, a lazy ass, because all I'm doing is being at home. So I don't know, it would feel good to have it acknowledged that I'm actually ill.

When it comes to meeting psychiatrists I'm always extra-careful. The biggest fear I have is to be admitted to the hospital against my will, to have most of my rights taken away from me. You know, when you are going to a GP and you try to exaggerate a bit so you are taken seriously? Well, I would never do that with a psychiatrist. I think I'll sit down tomorrow night and just write down some things that I want to take up so I'm not sitting there saying nothing or actually blasting out the truth. The truth is that I'm at my worst for this year so far. But I'll try to sugar-coat that. Better be prepared.

The appointment is at 9 a.m. which basically is the middle of the night for me. My boyfriend will take some hours off from work so he can drive me. I didn't ask him to do that, he suggested it. And I guess otherwise I really wouldn't have been able to make it there. Taking the subway, in the middle of the night and meeting a new psychiatrist? And I haven't been out of the flat for a month. So yeah, I'm grateful that he offered to help me. 

There have been some riots in the suburb I'm living in. It all started in another suburb of Stockholm but it kind of spread. So young guys set cars on fire and crush windows. Very mature. So we have now upgraded the insurance on our car, so we won't lose a lot of money in case someone decides to set the garage on fire. I understand the young guys, I know what alienation is like, I know what poverty is like. I just don't think riots and violence are the way to go. But no one asks me so why bother?

Trying

This is the first day in two weeks that I'm alone at home. My boyfriend is working and P had some appointments to attend. It doesn't feel too bad. I just need to stay occupied with doing something. So I have been cleaning, reading and listening to music. I think I'll try to exercise soon. The sun is shining and it's warm. I'm not too bad although I'm terribly tired and Mr.Anxiety is fucking my mind. I'll just try to be busy and not give my brain the opportunity to create destructive thoughts. I've actually had some interesting discussions on Facebook this morning, about intellectuality and who can be defined as an intellectual. I think it all comes down to a wish for knowledge and the ability to question doctrines. 

I skyped with my brother for two hours yesterday. We talked about my parents and how we should behave. We both agreed on that we don't want to pulled into a war, we don't want to be stuck in the middle. My mum had called him and said that she wants to stay with him for a time which of course puts him in a difficult position. And she can't really decided what she wants either, first she wanted to come yesterday and today she said she still needs some days to think. I'm there to support my brother. And I'm somewhat glad that I'm not in Germany. Moving to Sweden, moving away from my dysfunctional family was the best decision I've ever made.

Some days ago I thought that I didn't want to meet a psychiatrist. I didn't see the point because I don't want to try any more antidepressants at the moment. I'll only end up in hospital if I do. Really, if I try new antidepressants, I want to be in the hospital in the first place, so I'm safe. I always get extra-suicidal in the beginning. Anyway, I think I need some other sleepingpills. The Propavan is making me tired the next day and it still doesn't make me sleep properly. And I don't want to take Zoplicone every night because I really don't want to get addicted to it. Maybe there are some other pills out there? I remember taking a sleepingpill that made me psychotic, I can't remember the name though. Damn.

Tomorrow T will come over. If I tell him about what has happened with my cousin, I'm sure he'll suggest that I get admitted to the hospital. And I'll say no. And we'll both be grumpy. I really wish I could somehow cancel my appointment with him. But I know I shouldn't because he's the only help I'm getting right now. Blah.

I'll watch Dowton Abbey now and exercise while watching it. My boyfriend will come home in an hour. I'll have to re-dye my hair and cook some dinner. Keeping busy. I haven't left the flat for 22 days now. Is that something to be proud of?

(It smells like barbecue, I'm getting hungry. I'm jealous of the people down there at the beach with their barbecues. I should get on the balcony and stare at them angrily. Haha)

I can't handle it, it's TOO MUCH, I'm losing it

I'm so exhausted! It feels like I have partied all night, drank at least 10 bottles of beer, smoked two packs of cigarettes and then slept for like an hour. In reality I've slept five hours, tortured by nightmares, constant waking-up and a restless body. I haven't exercised for two days. I have become totally passive. I've somehow become a ghost, just sitting in the soffa, starring at the TV. I'm close to the edge, close to losing it. I can't handle the things going on in my life. A healthy person would probably break down so it's no suprise that I'm a wreck.

The whole situation with my parents hasn't improved. My brother went there to talk to them and both my mum and dad pretended to be okay. But I talked on the phone with my mum yesterday and she was crying and didn't know what to do. I told her to be reasonable and to THINK. She is a very passive person who often just waits problems out and hopes that they will somehow go away. But I, my siblings and every one else think that she has to go and save herself. My father can't be controlled and he can explode in rage easily. I'm really afraid that he will kill her. I understand that she has trouble leaving it all, everything they have built up together. She comes with the lamest excuses for not packing her bags and leave. So I tried to talk some sense into her. Things will only get worse, especially if she has been to the lawyer and filed for divorce. She has friends, she has family, a lot of people have offered her help so she just has to call someone, pack her bags and get out of there. I'm so worried. I hate this drama. I hate my father. And I hate that I let myself be effected by this so much.

And if that isn't enough, my cousin contacted me via Facebook yesterday and told me that she was standing on a bridge and seriously considering to jump. She contacted me because I am familiar with suicidal thoughts and urges. I didn't even know where she was so I couldn't contact the police. I mean, I knew she was somewhere in Austria but not specifically where in the country. You see, she is Iranian, lives in Italy but her boyfriend lives and works in Austria. She has gone through a lot of shit during the last ten years. A divorce, a custody battle for her daughter that has been going on for five years now and so on. Anyway, I tried to be calm and replied honestly. I didn't want her to feel like I was persuading her into something. I basically told her that I often come to the conclusion that I don't know how tomorrow will be, I don't know anything about the future and it could get better. I'm not talking about fooling yourself, I personally know that I'll never be "cured", but I know that I can have happy moments. I told her that she needs professional help. I talked with her for an hour, she texted from her phone. I tried out to get to know where exactly she was but she didn't want to tell me. Eventually she left the place and went home to her boyfriend (ex? he has cheated on her). And she promised me to contact a friend who is a doctor. And this morning I got a text saying that she has spoken to her friend and that they will meet up on Monday and figure something out. I personally think she should be admitted to the hospital. And she needs to be evaluated, blood-tests and all that. And she should be on medication, she has suffered from depression for years but was always afraid that taking psych-meds would negatively effect the fight for the custody of her daughter, that it would somehow shine a negative light on her if she had mental issues.

I had a proper breakdown after we finished talking. And then my mum called and we talked for an hour. After that I just broke down in my head, hysterically crying, shaking. It was all TOO MUCH to handle for me. I get why cousin contacted me, I mean, we usually don't talk much. But she knew that I wouldn't judge her and I have experience with these things, and well, I'm still alive so I somehow must have strategies to get through suicidal periods. But honestly, I don't. I end up in hospital, I get pumped full with medication and professionals try to talk to me. So I'm not angry at my cousin. I'm glad that I could help her and I'm glad that she's still alive. But all this just broke me. I had to take a sedative (I hadn't taken one in over 6 months!!) and unfortunately it didn't help as much as I hoped it would. It's only Oxazepam after all. But it calmed me down a little, my phsycial anxiety-symptoms didn't disappear but my thoughts got clearer, I could think properly.

So I just had lots of pizza and ice-cream and watched a movie. Then I took both Propavan and Zoplicone and hoped for a good night's sleep. Which I didn't get. I really don't care about exercising and routines right now. I'm in no state for that. I have to survive, this is fucking crisis-time. So I'll try to eliminate my vulnerabilites. I'll try to do things I like.

But there are so many musts. And I know that I feel worse if I don't follow my routines in the long run. But just give me this weekend. I need this weekend to be about survival, no mondane stuff like exercising or doing the dishes. I'll start over on Monday again. Next week I'll maybe even finally go to that hobby-store so I can start with some DIY with my clothes. Oh, and I ordered tons of stationary yesterday because I'm running low on it. I think I bought like 5 kg and paid around 90 Euros. But it made me feel good, now I don't need to buy stationary for a year or so. Still, I need to get my ass to that hobby-store next week.

And I hope I won't do anything stupid this weekend. I really feel tired, tired and exhausted. Of life. I really just want to rest forever. I want to make it all go away. I need to fight.