Abhorred by the moon

I have to exercise. I'm so mad at myself at not having done that today yet. I know that I can't get myself to do it tonight.  All those stupid pills and hospitals stays during the last two years made me gain around 60 pounds! You know, I have always been overweight and then, in 2008, I finally did something about it and started exercising and just cut out all junk food and candy out of my diet. It took me two years to lose 90 pounds. And here I am, fat again. I have PCOS and that means that I have it extra-hard to lose weight because my metabolism doesn't work the way it should be. I'm so ashamed for having gained all that weight again. That's probably one of the reasons why I don't want to go out.

I'm so ashamed of my body. I haven't met any friend in months! Just my boyfriend and our roomate. I mean, I know that the main reason for not seeing my friends is the Avoidant Personality Disorder. I'm really a textbook example, I have successfully isolated myself from physically meeting other people. But I think my shame about the weight-gain has something to do with it too. I'm so scared that someone will say something about the weight-gain, that people will talk behind my back about it. That I'll get weird looks, you know, the kinds of look where you know exactly that that person is judging you. You know what would be cool? A cloak that makes you invisible, like the one Harry Potter has. I'd love to have one of those!

One thing that really annoys me with all of this is that I'm aware that my weight-shame has a lot to do with what society and media tell us about  beauty. That we all need to be skinny to be beautiful. I have a boyfriend that loves me the way I am. Still, I want to have society's acceptance. That's really so stupid of me! I am so aware of the pressure and where it comes from. So I'm telling myself that I'm exercising to stay healthy. I'm actually exercising regularly, 30 minutes five to six times a week. But in secret, my main goal is to be thin and beautiful. Not for myself, but for others. When I weighted 120 pounds I still felt fat and tried to hide parts of my body. I still hated pictures of myself. So what the fuck is going on in my head?

And all that crap is just really strong in my thoughts right now because I haven't exercised today. My self-hatred has no limits. I HATE MY BODY!!!