Being social

Yesterday has actually been an okay day for me. I met my penpal A from France and her husband, her brother and her mother. I had never met her before in real life which made it all even more like a big deal. You know, we are writing letters (snailmail) to each other. Letter writing is one of my hobbies. So I know a lot about her, her problems, her life. But meeting her in real is a totally different thing. She's in Stockholm right now, on holiday, she'll stay until tomorrow. Anyway, we had decided to meet up. Weirdly enough, it was me who brought up the idea of a meeting. I just thought that it would have been stupid to not meet when she's close to where I live.

My boyfriend left his course about half an hour earlier (he told them he had a doctor's appointment, haha) so he could drive me. I know this is really stupid. I'm dependend on him and I'm somehow using him. But he offered me to drive me, it's not like I'm forcing him. And he actually wanted to meet A too, he knows who my penpals are. So, we met up at a subway-station. I panicked, not so much about meeting her but more about being close to a subway-station. All the people coming off the subway, the flow, it just caused me to panic. 

But when they arrived, it didn't feel awkward at all. We walked around in a park (Skinnarviksparken) in Southern Stockholm and we stayed some time at an awesome viewpoint where you can look all over the water (Stockholm has water/the sea everywhere around) and the other side of the town. Then we sat down in a little cute café, had some cake and some coffee and just chatted for an hour or so. I actually drank coffee in public! Coffee can cause me to panic badly so I avoid drinking anywhere else than at home. And I got a small panic attack and thought I would pass out. But I tried to keep my act together and pretended that I was fine. You know, I am good at pretending. I think I talked too much though. Some people say nothing at all when they are anxious or nervous but I just talk, talk, talk. To make the awkwardness go away. 

So I had a good time yesterday. Yeah, I had panic attacks. I was worried that they would find me weird. I was worried they would find me disgusting (my body issues, gah) and I was worried that I talked too much. But it was nice to meet her and her family and I was kind of proud of myself afterwards. But that doesn't mean that I want to do it again any time soon, going out, meeting a friend. There's still way too much anxiety involved.

My social worker just texted me to ask how it went yesterday. That's so sweet of him. It seems like he really cares about me.