Thursday. I woke up way too early but my restless legs and my anxiety didn't want to let me sleep anymore. I tried to read, listen to music, distract myself. I didn't want to be at the hospital. I felt like a total wreck and all I wanted was calm and peace in my body and my mind. My husband called me to let me know that his phone had died (he was at his sister's so he called from her phone) because my mum had been calling him all morning long to discuss how she should do with the Stockholm-trip. I didn't get it, I told her I didn't want her or my sister to come because I was in a really bad state. I was at the hospital, how did she think I could handle them visiting me? I really felt like it was a lack of respect. So I went on Skype and videochatted with my mum. I told her that she couldn't come, that my husband couldn't deal with it all either right now. It just wasn't the right time because our life was in chaos. She tried to explain to me that my sister and her really needed to get away from Germany. They were both really down because of the divorce and all the tension and intrigues in the family. I got that but I suggested that they could travel somewhere else. Anyway, she saw that I was doing like shit and basically just said that she will discuss it with my sister. I don't get why I had to be the one solving problems, I was in a bad state and I barely had any energy left to keep myself alive to begin with.
One staff-member convinced me to try and eat some lunch. So I went into the dining room, filled a glass with water and waited for my microwave-meal (yup, we are getting microwaved food at the hospital, at least they had a vegetarian option) to get ready. But then I got a really bad panic attack. I just ran out of the room. I couldn't be there and I most definitely couldn't eat with all the other patients. So no food for me. I had another breakdown after that. I tried to find someone to talk to but the staff was having lunch and I didn't want to disturb them. I saw one nurse that I knew from the unit, L, and asked him if he had a minute. I felt bad because I was sure that he was on his way to lunch but I needed someone to talk to. I just cried and cried, I was shaking and I was desperate. I just couldn't see how they were supposed to help me at that shitty unit, I wanted to be transferred to the other unit. I just couldn't see how anyone could help me with my problems at all. At the same time I was really afraid that I was going to be sent home the next day because J had decided that. I just wasn't stable enough to be at home. L went to talk to one of my contacts, the nurse who is friends with my friends. I waited for 15 minutes but no one came back so I went to my bed and just stared at the wall.
I eventually asked for a sedative because I started to lose it again. Th nurse told me that she couldn't do anything about switching units at the moment. In the early afternoon I had to switch rooms though because there were some new incoming patients. I came into a two beds room which was nice. There wasn't anyone in the other bed yet so I had a few hours for myself. I closed the door, hid under the blanket and waited for the sedative to do its thing. I tried to eat dinner. They had allowed me to eat a few minutes after everyone else so I wouldn't have to face another panic attack. I didn't eat much but at least something.
My husband came and visited me in the afternoon/evening. Visiting hours are between 5 and 8 p.m.. As I didn't have a roommate yet we stayed in my room and talked about unimportant things. I didn't want to deal with our issues, I didn't want to know if he was going to leave me or not. I tried to be cheerful and I was really happy to see him. I tried one of those bloodpressure meds for my restlessness and spasms. It felt safer to have my husband around when I tried it. I'm just so scared of side-effects. It didn't help me and after an hour it almost felt like it has made it worse. I also got a bad asthma attack from it. So nope, that med wasn't working. It made really sad because I needed help with the restlessness and the spasms so bad!
My husband left at 7 and I decided to try and study a bit. I felt a bit calmer because of the sedative so I thought it would be good to try and do something productive. But I couldn't focus at all because of my legs and arms and then my new roommate arrived and my social anxiety set in. You know, I felt like I didn't want to disturb her so I tried to breathe as flat as possible, tried not to move around too much and to be as invisible as possible.
R, my favourite nurse from the other unit, came over later that evening. That was so damn nice of him! We hugged and I just told him what was going on and why I was at the hospital, how J had treated me again, my restless legs, my stupid therapist, the fight with my husband, the suicide thoughts. It all just came out of me like a waterfall. He listened and tried to calm me down. It was so good to see him, to be able to talk to him. He really makes me feel safe and calm and always reminds me of that I'm worth something. I don't know why, but he has high thoughts of me, he thinks I'm capable of a lot of things. And whenever he tells me that I somehow believe him. Every nurse should be like R!
A new patient had arrived, an autistic woman with her carer. She was really upset because, well, autistic people can't really deal with a change of enviroment. So she freaked out and threw fruit and chairs around. It was quite scary and some of the other patients got panic attacks and even one staff member started to panic and just left the unit saying "a person like that shouldn't be at a unit like ours". I somewhat agreed with her but honestly, where else should you put an autistic person with depression? So the whole unit was wide awake and many people were scared. I just felt sorry for the autistic woman!
I took a sedative later that evening because I just knew that I needed a proper night's sleep. My new roommate was really nice but I could see that she was doing like shit so I kept quiet. I just didn't want to bother her. I watched a few episodes of Dexter and had some hot chocolate. I talked to one nurse that I knew from the other unit, a lovely Polish lady who really loves her job. I took my sleepingpill. I couldn't fall asleep, I went to have a smoke a few times, I cursed my legs and watched another episode of Dexter. At around 2 a.m. I could finally close my eyes.
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