Dismiss your emotions

I think I'm alright at the moment. I'd rather not give myself a minuteto give it a second thought. Whenever I try to feel how I'm doing I suddenly experience all kinds of negative emotions. In DBT they taught us (again, DBT= shite for me) that we have to "surf the emotion". I have never been able to define my emotions, to be able to exactly say what I'm feeling. I often just call it a negative mess. And I'm supposed to just let go and let the negative mess take over and "surf" on that wave of emotions. Eh, what?!? Anyway, I don't really want to know how I'm doing. I'm just trying to ignore my feelings, distract myself. I can say that I'm frustrated because I don't get anything done. I basically lose hours of my day with, eh, doing nothing, surfing on the internet without any apparent reason. Like check twitter every two minutes, stalk people on Facebook, read the news on different websites. Or I play games on my phone. And it's frustrating because I have a lot of things that I want to do. There are also other things that I have to do but those I'm not too worried about. I want to focus on things that make me happy or content. I want to exercise but this week I have only been able to do that twice so far. I want to read. I want to write. I want to cook a great meal. You know, the little things. Still, I'm procrascinating from the things I love doing. What the heck?

I'm really undecisive when it comes to the Propavan. Really, every day when I'm at my worst I think:"To hell with it, I'll take the whole dosage again". I mean, it has been three weeks now and my body and my psyche are still acting up. The worst is the restlessness, it's mostly in my legs. It's some kind of physical agitation I think. It's so annoying and can really drive me nuts. I'm trying to stay away from coffee and black tea so my body won't get any more hyped. Well, having said that, I'm drinking a cup of Earl Grey-tea at the moment. But I have really cut back on all caffeine and tea. I still feel like I'm more awake, the hangovers are gone. I wonder how much energy I'll have when I'm totally off the Propavan? I'm sleeping a bit too little at the moment, maybe five hours a night. Last night I took a Zoplicone with my half Propavan and I didn't wake up once during the night. That's good! But yes, the restlessness will drive me nuts eventually. I will continue with the half dosage until the middle of August I think. If I don't all of the sudden listen to my desperate thoughts and actually go back to the whole dosage. Today I'm positive towards the whole thing. And I had a good morning. Our new kitten woke me up by biting my big toe and then licking it. So that kind of brought a smile to my face. T has broken one of our most beautiful vases yesterday. He just threw it on the floor. Haha. I wasn't even angry, I just laughed. The two cats seem to get along with each other. I think T is a bit too energetic for B though. They chase each other, they have real fights without any biting or claws. They are awesome together. But T really has an attention-span of one second and all he wants is to play play play play. B often just often looks at him in amazement. Well, it's never calm here, something is always happening. And that's good.

Today it has been exactly one month since I've last been outside our apartment. This is starting to frustrate me. I have nothing to go out for. At least nothing that is worth the panic attacks and the anxiety I'll get when I'm out. I have now for two weeks tried to get myself to go to that one store that sells the hairdye I need. But I just can't. So my boyfriend will go and buy my hairdye tomorrow. Pathetic, eh? I also need new shaving cream, shaving my legs without it is just not working. Blah. So next week, yes, next week, I'll go to the supermarket together with M. And the week after that I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and my social worker is back from his vacation. And my mum will come to visit us for a week (I soooo don't want her to come, but what I can do?!?). Then it will be M's birthday on the 5th. Tenacious D will play on the 12th and we might go if we can afford it (doubtful). On the 15th we will get married. So in the near future I will have things to go out for. Maybe some routines will be good for me. I kind of lost all of my routines, everything seems so meaningless. Why clean thouroughly if no one comes and visit anyway? Why shower, I won't meet anyone anyway? Yeah, I could do it out of self-respect. But that's something I have never had. But I have showered today, even washed my hair. One step into the right direction.

There will be some changes in our life soon. I've been accepted for the two university-courses I had applied for. They are internet-based courses, so I don't have to physically attend classes. That's perfect for me. The reason why I was put on a sick-leave last autumn was that my anxiety was too much when I was out, amongst people. I was in panic during lecture courses. So I'm not there yet, I can't continue with my Master's studies, not at the moment. So I'll study Russian and philosophy instead ("the history of ideas", it's kind of like philosophy, you could call it philosophic history). Anyway. The courses will start in the beginning of September. I don't know how I will be able to cope with my studies on a daily basis but I think I'll manage. It will be good to have a "must", to just have something meaningful to do to distract myself from the anxiety. I'll be a full-time university-student. And that sounds so much better than "being at home ill". And my boyfriend has decided to do something about his life. He is so fed up with his work. So he wants to study to become a psychiatric nurse. Now, how perfect is that? I'll have my own nurse at home. Haha. No, honestly, I think it's the perfect profession for him. So he has applied for the program. He is almost 50 years old. And he has somehow realized that life is short and that he doesn't want to get stuck in some shitty job, being unhappy and stressed out all the time. So he will now work on his dream. He has always wanted to work with people. He has mental issues himself. He had been an amphetamine-addict for over 20 years. He has been clean for almost 10 years, he has built up a life with me. He has so much to offer, he won't judge and he can relate. Really, he is perfect for the job. So I hope he'll get accepted to the program. That would mean that we would be living off student-benefits. But we have counted it out and we would actually be better off than right now. I have no income at the moment, we only live off his salary and he has to pay off some debt. So there is not much money. But you don't have to pay off your debt if you get student benefits (+loans) so we would actually have around 200 Euros more a month, and that's the least. If we are lucky we can get up to 800 Euros more! How crazy is that? Anyway, first I need to get all the papers right so I can get my benefits, then he has to get into the program and also get the benefits. But the future looks bright. And I'm proud of my man, he is actually doing something about his unhappiness!

Okay, time for dinner. Tuna-salad. My boyfriend is already in the kitchen, cutting vegetables. He has been at home all week because the people at his work are idiots and stress the hell out of him. And he wanted to be with me because I have been doing so much worse with the Propavan. He has sick papers so it's legal and fine. Right, dinner. Then maybe an episode of "Sons of Anarchy".