Mad cats

For once I can start an entry with something positive. We have a new kitten!! So now we have two cats. B, our "old" cat (she's only 2 1/2 years old), is a lovely calm cat. She's all black and has yellow eyes. I really love her. She loves to cuddle and always demands lots of attention. For the last three months or so we have been discussing to get a second cat. First off because we love cats. Honestly, if I had a castle with lots of land I'd probably have dozens of cats. I'd be the crazy cat lady! And secondly, B maybe needs a playmate. I'm at home all the time so it's not that she would be lonely otherwise. It's more like she seems bored a lot, even when we play with her. Sooooo. On Saturday we saw an ad on the internet for a 12-weeks-old kitten and the owners lived close to where we live. So Anders gave them a call and an hour late he entered our front door with our new family member, T. We don't know if the cat is a he or a she though. The owners said that it's a female but me and my boyfriend are really convinced about that the kitten has some balls and a penis down there. Haha. We'll see. The kitten is so cute and so playful and curious! T doesn't like to be touched too much yet so we'll give it time. The kitten loves to play though and isn't scared of anything. And he/she sleeps in our bed with us. We were a bit afraid that B and T wouldn't get along and in the beginning they were not really nice to each other. I think B got really scared (she's always a bit shy in the beginning) and they were mostly shushing each other. But T got really comfortable right away, played with everything he/she could find and B was stalking the kitten. Now they have played with each other a few times, like chasing each other, they smell at each other, their little noses have touched a few times and they eat next to each other. They are not scared of each other at all. They are basically around each other all the time. So it looks really good after just two days! My boyfriend is a bit allergic to T but he was like that with B in the beginning too so hopefully that will pass. Having a small kitten around is like the best thing for depression! T is so cute! And I'm checking on them all the time, seeing if they have made any progress in their friendship. I'm a happy cat-mama!

Oooops, that was a lot of talk about the cats. I'm just so happy and excited about it all! Anyway, I'm still on the half dosage of Propavan. On Sunday I was basically a mess. I had slept like 30 minutes during the night. And I was close to just take a taxi to the hospital. I took sedatives but they didn't help. My boyfriend was so worried about me. Then yesterday I was doing a tad better because I decided to take a Zoplicone and the half Propavan in the evening. I woke up way too early so I took an Atarax (I hate antihistamines, they never help for my anxiety, they just give me terrible hangovers) and it knocked me out. I felt bad during the day. But then I had a long talk with my boyfriend, B and T bouncing around us. That helped. I had then decided to just take the whole dosage of the Propavan again. I just couldn't take the anxiety, the low mood and the restlessness anymore. I was convinced that one more day of this and I'd try to kill myself.

But then it all turned all of the sudden. An hour later my anxiety had vanished, I was calm and content. I could focus on writing a letter and reading a book. I don't know what happened!?! Maybe the worst is over?!? So I only took the reduced dosage again last night, and a Zoplicone. And I woke up without anxiety! Say what?!? Right now I'm doing a bit worse, I'm quite restless and I have a bit of anxiety. But it's on a level I can handle. 

I won't stop taking the Propavan altogether any time soon. My boyfriend suggested another month with the dosage I'm on right now. Maybe that's reasonable. But I'm glad I didn't go back to my old dosage again. I can always do that if I feel like I'm out of it. Tonight I'm going to try to sleep without a Zoplicone. That might make things worse again. I feel like I'm experimenting but how else am I going to get through this? I don't feel like my psychiatrist can help me with this. He doesn't know how I react to meds anyway.

One thing makes me really sad right now. It's summer. Here in the Stockholm area we have 25-30°C and the sun is shining. And it has been like this for two weeks now. But I don't go out. People go and swim in the lakes, meet up in parks for a beer in the shadow, go on walks in nature, have barbecues. I hate Facebook right now, seeing tons of pictures of happy people enjoying summer. But I don't go out. I would want to want to go out. It's so difficult to explain. I want to be like everyone else. No, wrong, I want to be like I used to be. I went out sometimes, never spontanous, but still, I went out. I went to the beach in the evenings. I was invited to barbecues. Now? I haven't left the apartment once in a A WHOLE MONTH! It's summer damn it. Gosh, I hate myself. I really would want to want to go out. I want to have the confidence, the strength, the stability to be around other people. This makes me so sad. I'm pathetic. My life is pathetic. I'm missing out on my own life.