Studies

Another worthless day is coming to an end. I haven't done much. I exercised! So that's an improvement! I talked to a friend of mine from France who will be in Stockholm for a few days at the end of this month, with her family. And she wants to meet up. That's great and all but but but but .. how the heck am I going to survive that? My boyfriend probably can't drive me because he has to work so I'll have to take the subway. Something that I haven't done for months. So, take the subway, walk around in central Stockholm on my own and meet my friend. I really don't see it happen. But I have to, I don't want to come with some stupid excuse. Lots of sedatives isn't the solution either, I don't want to make a fool out of myself in front of her family. Damn.

I have been quite a hypochondriac today. I have had stomach cramps and I'm bloated. And now I'm almost convinced that I have ovarian cancer. I read an article about it yesterday so of course I now think that I have all the symptoms. Gosh, I'm so stupid! My grandma had ovarian cancer though and I know it's hereditary. I have never had a papsmear done so I guess I'll have to book an appointment. Just to be sure and to ease my thoughts. A woman should get a papsmear once a year anyway and I never had one done, so there is nothing strange about me getting an appointment. Eh?

I have been looking for internet-based university courses for the fall-semester. The application has to be in until the end of next week. I am still registered for the Master's program in literary studies but that's normal classes that I have to attend physically. And I don't see that happening. Last September I actually gave it a try for three weeks but then I was put on a sickleave. I just couldn't handle the social side of it, being in a room with 200 people while panicking inside isn't really the best position for learning. I also have trouble focusing. I wonder if my concentration will ever come back. I have always had problems with focusing but I still managed to study for an hour before having to take a break. Well, so I thought I'd take an online university class. Nothing that I need to pass, nothing that puts too much pressure on me. Just something to do, something that stimulates my intellect. So I have been looking at the offered classes and I am now torn between a course in philosphy B (I have already done A some years ago and it would be cool to take the B and write an actual paper on some interesting theory. But that's a really demanding course ...), Literature and existential questions ( sounds superinteresting to me) or maybe a language (they offer Russian, Chinese and Japanese, I could take any of those but I'm leaning towards Russian). So what to do? And what if I'm too bad during the fall and can't pass? I am not good at taking decisions!

Nope. Going to bed now. It's past 1 a.m.. I have taken my Propavan three (!!!) hours ago and I don't feel much from it. I have a bit less anxiety and I'm a bit drowsy. But not tired. Stupid stupid sleepingpills that don't do their job!! I guess I'll read for an hour and then try to sleep. Nighty night!