Physical

My day has been a bit weird. I can't really say what's wrong. Well, I can actually tell you about a lot of things that are wrong. My stomach is acting up really bad. This has happened before, many times. A year ago I ended up in the ER because my stomach hurt really bad and I was going from diarrhea to constipation all the time. I was feeling constantly sick, sick like I thought I would have to throw up. But nothing was wrong with me. I felt feverish, I felt nauseated, I felt ill. But yeah, my body was in good health. So I connected the dots and realized that it could be my anxiety that is making me feel like that. My therapist K (my first DBT-therapist) agreed with me and said that it sounded a lot of like GAD and although I didn't have that diagnosis back then he started treating me for it, giving me special mindfulness-exercises that are said to help against GAD-anxiety. They of course didn't help. Mostly because I think that mindfulness is utter new age-bullshit. I guess you need to believe that someting help in order for it to help. 

So today (and yesterday) I have been feeling constantly ill. I feel like I need to throw up. I feel like I have low blood pressure or like I am going to pass out. I get dizzy and my sight gets blurry. I feel feverish (tried to check and well, I had no fever). Stomach-ache. So I assume, no, I'm pretty sure, that it's GAD-anxiety. But that doesn't make it any better. I'm a bit hypochondriac so I'm somehow thinking that there's something wrong with my body. But really, until I actually pass out or until I actually get a fever, I shouldn't worry. Last year all those physcial issues got worse by the day, I was over-worrying which made the anxiety stronger which made the physical issues worse. I eventually ended up in the hospital  because I tried to jump in front of a subway. This time I'm more aware. I can't ignore the symptoms but I can decide how to interprete them. Yup, I have done CBT. So far that's going well. I can ignore my usual anxiety and panic, so I can ignore the physical symptoms too. Maybe I'm also more ill in my body because I'll get my period next week. Oh, one thing I have learned: NEVER GOOGLE YOUR SYMPTOMS! That's the worst thing you can do. You'll either end up believing that you have terminal cancer or you are starting to imagine symptoms you don't have. I'm learning. I'm trying. 

What more? My social worker T was here today. He made me promise that I'll call the psych-center this week to check again if they can tell me if I'm on the waitinglist for psychodynamic therapy. I know that I have to do that, right now I'm in limbo, no heaven, no hell, I don't know what the deal is. So I'll call them on Thursday. I think he kind of feels like he has too much responsibility to take care of me alone. He's the only "professional" contact I have at the moment. He was tired today and I think he got a bit annoyed by me. I hate silence, I can't stand that uncomfortable silence with people I'm not close to. So I tend to babble on and  on. I talked about Kafka, the Walking Dead and the idea of the expanding universe. One of my weirdest anxiety-triggers: thinking about the expanding universe and it expanding into nothing. I can't grasp the concept of "nothing" in that matter because this "nothing (lack of everything, lack of every atom, every matter, everything) can't exist. I know, I'm weird.