Depression - low low low

The last few days I have been really low. My anxiety is stable, somewhere in the middle, not too strong but I can still feel it. I haven't been able to do much at all. I have been in bed way too much, just staring at the ceiling. Every time I closed my eyes I had pictures of the hospital in my head. Pictures of me being restrained, of me being injected medication. When I'm low and depressed my fear of losing it and being sent to the hospital is getting stronger.

I think I'm in the middle of a depression. I guess everything has just gotten too much for me. My parents' divorce, my cousin's suicide-attempt, my boyfriend's father's death. The last few days I've felt like I have been drained of all my energy. I just CAN'T get things done. I don't have the motivation. I just want to be in bed, I don't want to do anything. I don't want to get any attention. I want to be left alone. I want to just lay down and die. Not really die, but just disappear. I don't exercise as I'm supposed to. I can get the easy routines down: I do the dishes, I cook, I take care of my cat. But that's it. I'm constantly close to tears. On top of that  I'm feeling restless in my head. I'm thinking of all the things I should be doing. I'm thinking about how much life sucks. How much I don't contribute. How much I'm a burden. How much I hate myself. I think I'm a fraud. I'm not like everyone else, I can't be human. I really hate myself right now. And I can't focus on anything. My brain-capacity has shrunken. I have terrible nightmares of cats getting tortured and killed in front of me. I am so tired.

I want to do the things I love to do. I still haven't started on the DIY on my jacket although I have everything I need for it at home. I haven't started writing the poem and the text for my psychiatrist's book. I haven't been able to finish writing a long e-mail that is long overdue. Two things I have managed doing during the last two days though: I've started bleaching the parts of my hair that I want to dye purple. So those parts of my hair look orange now. It's not easy to get black hair blonde! And I have sent off the application for Swedish citizenship and the papers needed to be able to get married in Sweden.

It's so weird. I know what I'm doing wrong right now. I understand the circles of my thoughts. I know exactly what to do when I feel like I'm depressed. But I just can't do anything about it. It's like my mind is at war with me. I know that I shouldn't give up and be in bed. I know that these thoughts that I have are not the truth. I know that I'm loved by at least a few people. I know that I'm not stupid. But I can't stop those thoughts! And I can't do anything about the lack of energy and motivation. I'm trying but I just don't succeed. Depression is not something you can think and fight yourself out of on your own. Damn it! I just hope it won't get any worse. If desperation gets mixed up with depression and anxiety it can lead to disaster. 

The other night I had a total breakdown. With crying, screaming and everything else one expects of a breakdown. I had met T, my social worker, in the morning (well, my morning, for others it was early afternoon) and he had tried to talk me into giving Lithium a try. But at the same time he told me about clients he has that got psychotic from that medication. And a woman that gained so much weight that she actually got diabetes. Great. So I read up even more on Lithium, the side-effects and the positive response of some people who are taking it. It's actually not that effective for depression, it's great for mania though. I have never had mania, that is not my problem. I can't deal with any more side-effects. I just can't. I remember when they gave me Abilify at the hospital. I had that little blue pill in my hand and they were waiting for me to swallow it. And all I did was cry. I was sooooooo scared of that pill and the side-effects that it could give me. I eventually took it and some days later I had evolved caged tiger syndrome. I have never felt so restless in my whole life. I haven't taken  a single psych-med (apart from sedatives) that hasn't given me lots of weird and painful side-effects. And I know that Lithium would do the same to me. Maybe I have medication-phobia now?

So the breakdown was about my fear of medication. But it was also about the awareness that I might never get any better. That I have reached a dead end. If I don't take medication I'm stuck with my depression, anxiety, sucidiality. It is not like I refuse to try medication. Last year I tried out two antidepressants and three moodstabilizers. I thought about what my psychiatrist had said to me: that I will never become a functional person, that I will never get any better if I only do therapy. Therapy will have some positive effect on me but it won't "cure" me. I need medication because I have several diagnosis and I have complicated issues. So I freaked out because I know I will never get any better. There is no help out there for me. The thing that will happen is me killing myself eventually. Well, I'm over that breakdown now. But only because I don't want to think about it anymore. I don't want to think about the lack of help that is out there for me. I don't want to know. I just can't deal with it. I could try out the Diazepam (Valium). I have to anyway so I can tell my psychiatrist next week if it helps or not. But I guess I just never think of taking a sedative when I actually need it. So today I'll wait for the usual anxiety increase I get during the evenings and then take a Diazepam. If you don't hear from me again I probably have died because of some side-effects. Or I have fallen into a coma. Or I am in happy happy land.