I still haven't taken the Seroquel/Quetapine. I am a wuss. I have realized that I have come up with a lot of avoidance-strategies and excuses. I still don't know if it's the fear of the side-effects or the feeling that I don't want to be ill so I ignore the fact that I could need a strong medication. I had the meeting with my psychiatrist a week ago, I have had the pills at home for six days now. I haven't opened the package. It's in my medicine-cabinet, in the back, in the dark, where I can't see it.
I think the main reason for not taking it is fear. And P's seizures because of the Wellburtin really made that part only worse. I'm afraid of side-effects. Before I had started with psych-meds I had never been afraid of side-effects. I had seen them as part of getting better. I get dizzy and I feel sick from simple painkillers. Still, I took them when I had a headache. I took antibiotics although I threw up because of them. Those are not side-effects, psych-meds give you really fucked up side-effects. The first psych-med I have ever taken was Prozac. I could barely eat for three months. I could barely sleep. I was manic and restless. I was shakey. I threw up every day. And I got even more suicidal. First imprint of a psych-med in my memory. And then Zoloft, Lamictal, Effexor, Abilify, Zyprexa, Wellburtin. They all made me worse, much worse. Effexor gave me a feeling of electric shocks through my whole body, I didn't leave the bed for a week. Zyprexa made me really really fat. The nodrenaline in Wellburtin gave me so much anxiety that I was going mad for real. I had someone sitting with me for two weeks because I was so suicidal. Nope. No good experiences at all. So yes, one of the reasons I don't want to take Seroquel is because of the side-effects. Okay, it's probably the main reason. I just don't believe that meds can help me. I'm too sensitive to medication. And if you don't believe that a medication can help, it probably won't help. I won't even get a placebo-effect out of it. And well, Seroquel can make me fat just like the Zyprexa did, it could make me lose my mojo, just like Zyprexa did. And it could make me more suicidal, like all other psych-meds did. Gosh, I even got panic when I took my first Valium ever. It didn't calm me down, it made me panic because I was so afraid of it being bad for me. I hyperventilated, because of a sedative!
The second reason which is kind of a result of the first reason is that I don't want to get admitted to the hospital again. I didn't get better there. I hated being there. And everytime I left I was feeling worse than when I got there. There are people there, lots of people! You need to share your room with three others, you need to share a bathroom with six others. You get crappy meals. The staff is always stressed out and the doctors want to send you home as soon as possible because they need your bed for someone else who is waiting in the ER. It's never about getting better, it's about getting you out of there as soon as possible. Like the last time I was there I tried to commit suicide three times while being there. And they still sent me home, a day after a suicide attempt. They needed my bed. They could see that I was doing like shit and that I had lots of anxiety. But yeah, there are other patients waiting to be treated. Being at the hospital is not for me. It is really hard to be around that many people, patients, staff, cleaners, when you have social anxiety. And I do exactly the same things there as I do at home: I surf on the net, I write, I sleep, I watch TV, I read. So really, it makes no difference where I am. And I know that if I take the Seroquel, I'll do much worse. All meds have made me worse, why should the Seroquel be any different? Me being worse means me being suicidal. Me being suicidal means me being sent to the hospital, either after a suicide-attempt or because someone realizes how badly I'm doing. I don't want that. And I just know it will be that way, experience tells me. Reason tells me. Statistics tell me.
I'm not doing so bad right now. I have felt much worse. Right, I'm not sleeping much, I have strong anxiety every now and then. I get into petty fights with my boyfriend. I haven't thought of suicide for a few days now though. I don't feel that depressed. I have trouble focusing. I don't get my routines done. But still, I have felt worse. So why should I take a medication if I'm not in a very bad state?
There has been some confusion around my diagnosis. I have anxiety-iusses which Seroquel won't help against anyway. My doctor thinks I'm bipolar. But on the package it says that I should take the Seroquel for sleeping and against anxiety. Say what? I thought I was supposed to take it as a mood-stabilizer? I thought I should take it instead of trying out Lithium? I could call my doctor and ask him what he thinks it is for. I know that I want to get rid off the Propavan so maybe that's why I'm supposed to take Seroquel? I could call him and ask him to clarify this for me. But well, I never call others. Social anxiety issue.
And then there is a reason I have discussed with P. He said that I unconsciously don't want to get better. It has to do with my expectations of life. It has to do with my acceptance of my illness. I know that I have lots of potential. I get it to hear that all the time. I have succeeded at university after all. But I know that I'll never be able to use my full potential. So unconsciously I think that it's not worth the fight, worth the side-effects, if I don't get where I want to get: to be a normal healthy human being who can try out her potential, see how far she can get in life. On a scale from one to ten when it comes to functionality I am maybe at a three at the moment. With years of therapy and lots of meds I might be able to reach a 7. But I want to be a ten. And because I know I will never be a ten again, I don't see it worth the fight. I don't want to face the truth, I don't want to accept that seven is all I can get. So I rather stay at a three and and don't face the truth, still hoping for the ten.
So my avoidance-strategies are: 1. Ignore the fact that I have the medication at home, don't think about it, push it away 2. Find arguments that speak against the medication and believe these arguments even though they only come from personal experience 3. Convince myself that I'll end up in the hospital so the fear gets bigger, listen to fear 4. Don't call the doctor to get reassurance and a better explanation, better believe that there is no reason to take it 5. laugh about my own fears (I texted with my social worker the other day and I joked about my fears) 6. Convince myself that I'm just doing fine 7. If I won't get fully functional with it, why even try?
I personally find my avoidant strategies and my arguments quite convincing. But a little little little part of me thinks I'm just a stupid wuss. My psychiatrist is a professional after all, he probably knows what he is doing. Maybe I'll sleep better with it. Wouldn't it be great to finally get rid off the Propavan? I know I should, even though I don't get why I should. This is just fucked up. Fucked up.
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