Seroquel?!?

I'm a worried mess right now. Even though I'm trying to push the thoughts away, I just can't focus on anything else than my worries. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist yesterday. He was just as nice and friendly as the first time. I feel really lucky that he is my doctor at the moment. But he told me that he will quit on September 5th. And the reason why he wants to quit is that he is appalled by how the psych-center works and how they treat their patients. That's kind of worrying for me because I can't leave the center and if a good psychiatrist like him condemns the center like that it really doesn't feel too good to be stuck there. We discussed the Lithium and told him my reasons why I don't want to take it right now. And he said that I was convincing and that it seemed like I had really thought about it. My decision seems rational. So we talked about other options. And I suggested Seroquel/Quetapine because I have never given it a real try. I have only taken it two days in a row some years ago and gave up on it because I didn't feel anything from it. 

So I have the pills at home now and I'm worried to the max. Every time I tried out a new med I ended up in hospital because my suicidality got so much worse. And that's what the information on the package says: if you are suicidal or ever been suicidal you can get worse. I don't want to end up in hospital! I'm not too worried about the other side-effects because I survived Abilify and Zyprexa. I mean, I had to stop taking them because of side-effects but the side-effects went away when I had stopped taking them. My psychiatrist warned me that I might feel like a zombie for a week or so. I'm only supposed to take 25 mg anyway so I don't think it will be too bad. But I'm still really worried. The good thing is that I might be able to stop taking the Propavan. And maybe even the Zoplicone. I mean, how amazing would it be if the Seroquel makes me sleep and stabilizes my mood? But I'm uber-sensitive to medication so well, I might end up in hospital. Is it worth a try? I'll probably stare at the pills for a long time tonight, shaking, being anxious. Damn. I had actually written a note to my boyfriend to not go and fetch the medication because I'm not sure if I want to take it or not. He was supposed to go to the pharmacy this morning. He got it anyway. Idiot. So now I'm really torn, should I take it or not?

I even gave my psychiatrist a poem I had written for his book. He is writing a book about patient-care in the psychiatry-field and he had asked me if I wanted to contribute with a poem about the feelings I had and have when it comes to how people have treated me at centers and hospitals.I think he liked my poem and he said he will definitely use it in his book. 

We also discussed the suspected bipolar-diagnosis and I told him that all the bipolar people I know are slighty crazy and really creative. And he looked at me and asked if "crazy" and "creative" aren't two words that would describe me as well. And he is right. That's what I am, crazy and creative. Still, I'm not too sure about the bipolar thing. I just never have the highs. I don't think I have ever felt hypomania. I have never felt a huge difference between the moods I have, there haven't been huge highs. But maybe that's because I have some anxiety-issues as well? Maybe my PTSD and my anxiety actually hold back my hypomania?!? Who knows. I don't want to think about diagnosis anymore. I'm fucked up and obviously mentally ill. That's enough information for me.

Oh, I have the Swedish citizenship now. The process was supposed to take up to 10 months but I already received a reply from them after a week. Weird! I have dual citizenship now, Swedish and German. That feels good. So in an unlikely event, like war, I have some more options. And I can vote in Sweden which is really important for me. I'm very much interested in politics, some might even call me an acitivist. And as I'm living in this country, I should be able to be part of the decision of whom and which party is leading the country. Yeah.