Nightmare

I woke up at 7 a.m. this morning. After about 4 hours of sleep. And do you know what woke me up? The feeling of intense fear and utter disgust. I had nightmares, again. I still haven't figured out if those nightmares are because of the Propavan or if they are actually coming from my own fucked up imagination.

My nightmares are never about monsters or any kind of fantasy-worlds. They are about reality. And that's what makes them so scary. They seem real. So this time I dreamt that my father raped me. Isn't that just jolly?!? My father and I aren't close. We never were. I talked to him on the phone yesterday. It was more of a mistake than a planned thing. I wanted to call my mum but he answered the phone. They are still living together. My mum will move out in about three weeks. Anyway, we hadn't talked in 6 weeks or so. I told him that I'm going to get married. He didn't say anything about that. Whatever.

When I was a child my dad constantly beat me and my sister up. Not my brother though because, well, my dad is an Iranian and boys are gods while girls are whores. He beat us up a lot. We were never allowed to voice our opinions. He was basically a total dickhead. He stopped beating me because I threatened him to contact the police if he beats me one more time. I think I was 14 years old. He continued beating up my sister though so she moved out when she was 17, just to get away from him. My dad is a drug-addict. He is 70 years old. And he is still a drug addict. He has smoked opium for the last 40 years or so. And that's why he was such an asshole to us. Well, I actually think he is a psychopath too, you know, has antisocial personality disorder. My mum told me the other day that he now uses MY CHILDHOOD-ROOM as a growing place for fucking cannabis. He is just really fucked up. He basically should have spent the last 30 years in jail, in my opinion. For child abuse, for beating up my mum, for domestic violence, for possession of drugs, for dealing with drugs. But it was difficult for me to see all that, for anyone in my family to see all that. We were involved, we couldn't look at it objectively. Now we can. And it's now that I'm not angry anymore,  I'm just shocked about what a fucked person that man is!!

So I think the phone-call yesterday triggered something. My father has never sexually molested me. At least not that I can remember. But really, I should remember if something had happened. He is not that kind of person, even if he is fucked up, he is not a rapist-pedophile. But in my dream he raped me. He came in my mouth, he beat me,. he burnt me, I could taste his semen in my mouth when I woke up. And the moment I woke up I was choking on my own vomit. So yeah. Great way to wake up. I have been molested and raped. I have been through some shitty stuff. And that got somehow mixed up with the fear I have for my father, and his control-issues. Terrible, terrible, terrible.

So I didn't get much sleep last night. I have had the most horrifying nightmare. This day is going to suck, I know that. Damn!