I'm listening to David Bowie and I'm happy. Maybe not over the top happy but I'm content. Gradually stopping to take the Propavan was the best idea I have had in years. Okay, I don't sleep much. I think I got about four hours of sleep last night. I just couldn't fall asleep. But I had expected that and I'm fine with it. I could have taken a Zoplicone but 4 a.m. seemed like the wrong time to do that.
I have so much energy, it's unbelievable! I didn't walk around like a zombie all morning. I was almost clear in my head when I woke up and I got lots of things done. During the last two years my mornings have been a drowsy mess. I needed two hours to wake up, to even start the day. But today, today I woke up and after 10 minutes I started cleaning, doing the dishes, baking some breakfast-buns, taking care of the laundry, cuddling my cat, planning lunch, reading the news, having a deep discussion about the faults of capitalism with a friend on Facebook and sitting on the balcony having a fag in the sunshine.
What the heck?!? I mean, I'm tired because I have slept too less. And I'm a bit on the edge anxiety-wise. But it feels "natural". I feel like I have been released from a constant slumber. I can't imagine the energy-levels I'll have when I'm totally off the Propavan. Was this me before I started taking sleeping-meds?!? I can't remember. I used to be able to get up at 8 a.m., exercise an hour, clean, go to university for some classes, meet a friend for coffee, study for five or six hours, cook a lovely meal, write a long letter and watch a movie. All in one day. That was bascially my every day life. Maybe that was the real me?!?
All these zombie-like mornings are a thing of the past now. I'll get off the Propavan, that's for sure. I know that my try last autumn didn't work out. But this time I'm doing it gradually. And I don't care about lack of sleep, increased anxiety or even cramps. I'll get off it. I still have the Zoplicone to fall back onto if I don't sleep at all.
On a funny side-note: my boyfriend took half a Propavan last night because he wants to get off his Zoplicone. So I gave him half a Propavan. And he is still in bed. Haha. He was up for an hour or two but was all drowsy and tired so he went back to bed. Funny, I take half a pill and I get filled with energy, he takes half a pill and turns into a zombie!
Of course I'm now thinking if I'm hypomanic. Could that be? You know, this every day life I had for about two years could have been hypomania. I just don't know. My stupid psychiatrist totally confused me with the bipolar diagnosis. So, could I be hypomanic right now? I feel happy, I have lots of energy, I feel like dancing on a meadow. I have lots of ideas. I feel really creative. I have deep discussions, discussions like that I haven't had in months. I feel like Popeye who has just eaten his spinach. Can the reduced dosage of the sleeping medication have triggered hypomania? Help?!?
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