Alone at home

I'll be alone at home for most of the day. I'm not too sure if that's good or bad. I think it will be nice to have some me-time but I'm also quite aware of the fact that it could lead into total chaos. For some weird reason I have the urge to be destructive, to cut myself or something. But as I really only have cut myself about 10 times in my life or so I really don't think it will happen. I often have the urge though. It's mostly because I have so strong anxiety and I want the pain to be killed by another pain. Sometime it's just a strong self-hate and I want to cut myself because I feel like I'm a bad person and I need to punished.

The last few days have been terrible. The lack of sleep just made me supervulnerable. But last night I took a small overdose of sleeping-medication and slept for 7 hours. It's not like I'm full of energy but for once I don't feel like I'm caught in some kind of fog. I think I'll take a nap later. I ordered lots of clothes yesterday, I am not too sure if that had to do with the amount of sleepingpills in my system. But all the things I ordered were cheap and things I had thought of buying anyway. I ordered two jackets (I have no summer-jacket that fits, they all really cut into my arms and I don't feel comfortable in them at all), one dress, a bra, a tunica with an Elvira-print and a Vampira-t-shirt. All things I need! Okay, the last two items not so much. But I wanted them so them and have been looking at them for weeks. And I got some procent off, so why not.

My boyfriend is out. He's first going to meet a friend for a beer and then they'll go to some kind of class-reunion (they do that quite frequently) to have some dinner and get drunk. I'm sure he'll call me later to put some money into his account so he can take a cab home. That's what happens every time. Haha. P is going out in an hour or so, to the first outdoors rave of the season. That's an interest I really don't share, rave-music. But he seems excited. Good for him.

I'll just read, write emails and letters, read some more, watch some TV, finish an essay and exercise. And listen to loud music. I just hope that I won't crash. I need to get away from the urge to hurt myself. I am invited to a birthday-party tonight but who am I kidding, I can't go there on my own. It would have been cool though, I really like J. He's from Finland and the calmest person I know. I met him in 2006 for the first time and I couldn't speak a word of Swedish back then. Last year he had been admitted to the psych-hospital and we were quite close for a while. He texted me frequently and I tried to help him as much as I could. Like telling him to not take Effexor because it's a medication from hell and it's difficult to stop taking it. I ran into him last Sunday at the Fields of the Nephilim-concert but we only talked for a brief second. I think he was drunk. Anyway, I'll text him later to tell him that I won't come. 

Time for another cigarette and another cup of coffee. I know, my life-style is incredibly healthy.