On Wednesday I had my appointment with T, my social worker. My boyfriend was at home. I had been feeling close to panic all morning so it was quite hard for me to keep myself together and not freak out while talking with T. We sat in the kitchen, talking about something unimportant. My boyfriend comes in and blasts out that I really should talk with T about my worries concerning the psych-office and how I don't have any contact with psychiatrists or therapists right now. At that moment I really hated my boyfriend. I have to be able to do things my way and to find the right moment to ask for help. I don't just ask for help or tell people about my worries, problems and anxieties. I felt so embarrassed, I just wanted to disappear. I can't really describe the feeling. I had the strong urge to run out of the room, lock some door behind me and hide. My boyfriend is someone who wants to fix things right away. I can't do that. I need to find the right moment. I need to be confident enough and I need to be in a good place so I can handle backlashes, unfriendly people and possible embarrassment. And I wasn't in that place at that time.
So T called the psych-center. I didn't want him to, I just wanted him to leave. But he called. I wasn't ready for any backlashes. I often prefer not knowing to knowing. I want to know the truth and be able to move on and find new solution. But I want to be ready for it, I want to be ready for the truth. I wasn't ready on Thursday. Soooo, T called and of course he got connected to some super-stressed and unfriendly nurse. The one I also always tend to get on the phone when I'm calling. She checked my journal, and here it comes, : I'm not on any waiting-list. Ka-boom. In my face. I won't get any help any time soon. Fuck. my stupid idiot ex-therapist told me that she had fixed it and that I'm on the waiting-list for psychodynamic therapy. But she apparently lied. I wonder if she lied about updating my file as well and it still stays that I have Borderline.
You know, I have done DBT for a year because some doctor decided that I had Borderline Personality Disorder. I did the therapy but it didn't help me at all. I kept questioning my diagnosis. And I finally got a new evaluation in December/January. And I had been right, no Borderline, but instead two other personality disorders, four anxiety disorder and PTSD. The psych-office changed management and my therapist (DBT-one and the one that did the evaluation) quit. Our last appointment was in February. My psychiatrist quit too by the way.
There is no real solution right now. I'm still registered at that office. T tried to book me in for an appointment with a psychiatrist so I could get some papers I need and I can discuss my medication. But she couldn't say when I could have an appointment. And the she hung up. T promised me to call the leader of the psychodynamic team yesterday and then contact me. And he didn't contact me. So yeah, I guess he couldn't get it fixed.
So how do I feel? I'm pissed off. I have spent three months at a closed psych-unit last year. I have seven(!!!) psychiatric diagnosis and still, they forget about me?!? I should be prioritized in their fucking system, especially because of all my suicide attempts last year. And then I feel like I'm maybe not worth any help. Maybe there are people that need the help more than me. Maybe I'm a lost case and they decided they just wait until I have killed myself so I'm not their problem anymore. I have always had trust-issues and I have met a lot of bad, mean and imcapable psychiatrists and therapists. And somehow I often feel like no one can help me. I'm too complicated, it's me that is wrong. I'm a lost case and they have given up on me. To sum it up: I'm pissed off and really really down. If there is no help out there for me, and I know that I can't improve on my own, why do I continue fighting? Maybe it would be best if I just killed myself. No more pain for me and one less problem for the psych-people.
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