I'm a fucking loser

Yeah, I'm a loser. I cancelled my week. Bascially just decided that I'll let anxiety and depression win and do nothing else than feeling sorry for myself. I'm really a prisoner of my feelings. I've given up for now. I don't care. I don't want to. 

I'm so sad. I'm sad about the misery that is my life. I'll never be someone that I'd respect. I'll always be this parasitic loser. Who am I kidding, I don't have the strength to fight for my life. Right now I just feel like nothing will ever get any better. How can it get better? I have no strength, I have no willpower, I have no one that can help me. I doubt I'll ever hear back from the psych-center unless I call them and fight for my right for a therapist and a psychiatrist. I don't have the strength to fight. And what am I supposed to fight for anyway? I don't think that there's any help that can actually change my life around. I'm too fucked up. Right now I feel like the best option is just wait for death to take me. Life just isn't for me. I didn't chose this life, I didn't freaking chose to be born. I'm just a product of evolution and free will is just an empty promise. The only thing I can have control over is how and when I die, unless life fucks me over and I'll be killed by some terrible accident or illness. 

No worries, I won't kill myself. At least not today. I don't have the strength to even think of my options. I'm just really really sad. I want everyone to leave me alone. Mr. Handsome Angst and Miss Pretty Suicidality are dancing the tango in my head. 

I lied to my social worker and said that I was okay that we don't need to meet up this week. My boyfriend is so busy with some computer game that he doesn't see how I'm feeling. My roommate is busy with his toothache. I should scream out loud that I'm not okay. But shame on me, I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to steal their time and I don't want their concerns. I'm actually quite convinced that I'd be sent to the hospital. FUCK. 

So I'm trying to not let it show. I'll take a shower soon. I don't care about exercise. Then I'll cook some food. And then I'll just stare at the TV-screen for the rest of the day. I'm somewhat glad that I don't have any strength, otherwise I'd already done something stupid. My only hope: that this day will go over soon and that I'll wake up tomorrow with less anxiety and more strength. Strength to fight on, strength to see a future, strength to see the beautiful things in life.

Now the two guys are going out to do some grocery-shopping. That will give me some time to cry. I don't cry in front of others. I hate getting negative attention, you know, when people look at you with pity and but secretly think that you are a loser and whiner. 

So, no Ben Okri tonight. No party on Saturday. No meeting with my social worker. Just being at home, feeling sad and anxious. Maybe, only maybe, I'll go to the hobby-store and buy some stuff so I can work on my patches. But I doubt I'll do that. 

Oh, and I have my period. I feel dirty, disgusting and just blergh. Maybe a shower will help. And some painkillners for the cramps. I'm proud though, I don't and I won't eat any sweets or chocolate. Unless my boyfriend buys home something. I hope he won't.