I haven't had a good morning. I am so unfocused, it's almost scary. Just writing these lines is really difficult right now. I feel so restless and anxious. Last night I thought I was drifting into psychosis, I don't know, my thoughts were racing and I felt so restless in my body. I tried to write a letter but couldn't focus. I tried to read but I couldn't focus. I tried to watch a movie, I couldn't focus. I have had bad period where I couldn't concentrate much but I don't think it has ever been so bad as right now. I feel like I have a million things to do. And I want to do these things. But I can't start and if I start I lose focus right away. I have always been saying that my mind, my intellect, my brain is my strength. But right now it's failing me. I guess I'll just keep on trying and hopefully I can get something done. I can maybe start doing some patches for me jacket today, and figure out how the sewing-machine works and how to apply studs. Maybe it's easier to do something with my hands than to do something with my mind. I don't like being in this state of total restlessness. I don't even know if it's anxiety, last night it was, but is it right now?
I was supposed to meet T, my social worker, today. But he cancelled our appointment. He had been to the dentist and is kind of incapable of talking. We'll maybe meet up tomorrow instead. I don't care. I'd rather not meet him. I don't want to be around people, my social anxiety is really bad.
The atmosphere in the flat isn't that positive right now. My boyfriend is kind of sad because his biological father has died. I don't actually know if he is sad. His feelings are a negative mess at the moment. Our roommate has started taking a new antidepressant and it is making him feel really bad. He has really bad anxiety and he won't have an appointment with his psychiatrist any time soon. So I gave him a few of my Oxazepam. I know, that's not good or smart. Hopefully his doctor will give him some proper sedatives soon. And I'm a mess too. But I don't know why. I'm tired and restless. Anxious. Sad. Imagine the Duracell-bunny with puffy eyes, tears running down its cheeks and screaming out of fear. That's me.
I called the council and asked for an appointment to get married. We are getting married on August 15th. It's not a romantic thing, it's more about being reasonable. I would get a Swedish last name. We have been together for over 8 years. So why not get married? We are not going to make a big deal out of it. We won't invite anyone. We can't afford a wedding. I'm not even sure if we can afford rings. I won't have a wedding dress, there won't be any cake, there won't be any guests. I have never dreamed of a big wedding anyway. I basically just want to get it over with. I think my social anxiety plays a role in this too. I don't like to be around people. I don't want to be in the center of attention. I might have to explain it better: I don't mind talking in front of people if it has to do with my knowledge. But I hate the attention when it comes to me as a person, my personality, my personal space, my feelings. That's why group therapy has always been diffcult for me.
I have also applied for Swedish citizenship. That cost me around 200 Euro. I'm just waiting for them to send me a copy of the online application I have already filled in so I can sign it. And then I'll have to send my German passport to them. As far as I have understood, I can have double-citzenship. The reason why I want the Swedish citizenship is to be able to go and vote. And to feel like I'm part of society for real. Eh, and in the unlike event of a war it wouldn't be bad to have two citzenships. But yeah, I won't get a result from that for another 10 months or so.
I'll try to exercise now. And then I'll cook. Well, it won't be much cooking. We have some pre-marinated chicken that I'll put in the oven. All I have to do is cook rice and make a salad. I'm a lazy bastard. I hope I can read a bit later. The whole DIY-thing seems like a lot of work to me right now. I think I'll postpone that to the weekend instead. I want the jacket to be fancy until the Peter Murphy-concert which is on June 10th. Still almost two weeks. Gosh, I'm so tired, I can barely keep my eyes open. Gah!
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