The anxiety is overbearing today. I'm so restless, I can't focus on anything. I just want it to stop! The weather is grey, cold and rainy today. And I kind of like it, it's mellow and calm. No screaming kids outside. I don't think there is a noise more annoying than screaming kids. I have the strong desire to just crawl back into bed, fall asleep and just forget about this day. Really, I hate waking up in the morning, knowing that there is a new day to tackle, a new day with lots of anxiety, crying and meaningless routines.
T was here yesterday and we called the psych-center together. They called me back later that day and finally admitted that it was kind of wrong to just drop me like that, to let me go without any psych-contact for months even though it says in my file that there is a high suicide-risk. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday. I have never met that guy so I'll keep an open mind. I don't have a lot of good experiences with psych-doctors, they are often condescending and somewhat mean. But I don't need anything special so I have nothing to worry. I'll put all my energy into getting into the psychodynamic therapy. I don't think medication will help me much because I'm over-sensitive to meds. So I'll only ask if he has any other suggestion when it comes to sleepingpills because the Propavan doesn't do shit anymore. And I'll ask for some new sick-papers as mine were only valid until the end of March. It's not like I'll get any money from anywhere but it would feel better to have it black on white that it's okay that I'm not doing anything right now. I often feel like a burden, a lazy ass, because all I'm doing is being at home. So I don't know, it would feel good to have it acknowledged that I'm actually ill.
When it comes to meeting psychiatrists I'm always extra-careful. The biggest fear I have is to be admitted to the hospital against my will, to have most of my rights taken away from me. You know, when you are going to a GP and you try to exaggerate a bit so you are taken seriously? Well, I would never do that with a psychiatrist. I think I'll sit down tomorrow night and just write down some things that I want to take up so I'm not sitting there saying nothing or actually blasting out the truth. The truth is that I'm at my worst for this year so far. But I'll try to sugar-coat that. Better be prepared.
The appointment is at 9 a.m. which basically is the middle of the night for me. My boyfriend will take some hours off from work so he can drive me. I didn't ask him to do that, he suggested it. And I guess otherwise I really wouldn't have been able to make it there. Taking the subway, in the middle of the night and meeting a new psychiatrist? And I haven't been out of the flat for a month. So yeah, I'm grateful that he offered to help me.
There have been some riots in the suburb I'm living in. It all started in another suburb of Stockholm but it kind of spread. So young guys set cars on fire and crush windows. Very mature. So we have now upgraded the insurance on our car, so we won't lose a lot of money in case someone decides to set the garage on fire. I understand the young guys, I know what alienation is like, I know what poverty is like. I just don't think riots and violence are the way to go. But no one asks me so why bother?
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