I'm so exhausted! It feels like I have partied all night, drank at least 10 bottles of beer, smoked two packs of cigarettes and then slept for like an hour. In reality I've slept five hours, tortured by nightmares, constant waking-up and a restless body. I haven't exercised for two days. I have become totally passive. I've somehow become a ghost, just sitting in the soffa, starring at the TV. I'm close to the edge, close to losing it. I can't handle the things going on in my life. A healthy person would probably break down so it's no suprise that I'm a wreck.
The whole situation with my parents hasn't improved. My brother went there to talk to them and both my mum and dad pretended to be okay. But I talked on the phone with my mum yesterday and she was crying and didn't know what to do. I told her to be reasonable and to THINK. She is a very passive person who often just waits problems out and hopes that they will somehow go away. But I, my siblings and every one else think that she has to go and save herself. My father can't be controlled and he can explode in rage easily. I'm really afraid that he will kill her. I understand that she has trouble leaving it all, everything they have built up together. She comes with the lamest excuses for not packing her bags and leave. So I tried to talk some sense into her. Things will only get worse, especially if she has been to the lawyer and filed for divorce. She has friends, she has family, a lot of people have offered her help so she just has to call someone, pack her bags and get out of there. I'm so worried. I hate this drama. I hate my father. And I hate that I let myself be effected by this so much.
And if that isn't enough, my cousin contacted me via Facebook yesterday and told me that she was standing on a bridge and seriously considering to jump. She contacted me because I am familiar with suicidal thoughts and urges. I didn't even know where she was so I couldn't contact the police. I mean, I knew she was somewhere in Austria but not specifically where in the country. You see, she is Iranian, lives in Italy but her boyfriend lives and works in Austria. She has gone through a lot of shit during the last ten years. A divorce, a custody battle for her daughter that has been going on for five years now and so on. Anyway, I tried to be calm and replied honestly. I didn't want her to feel like I was persuading her into something. I basically told her that I often come to the conclusion that I don't know how tomorrow will be, I don't know anything about the future and it could get better. I'm not talking about fooling yourself, I personally know that I'll never be "cured", but I know that I can have happy moments. I told her that she needs professional help. I talked with her for an hour, she texted from her phone. I tried out to get to know where exactly she was but she didn't want to tell me. Eventually she left the place and went home to her boyfriend (ex? he has cheated on her). And she promised me to contact a friend who is a doctor. And this morning I got a text saying that she has spoken to her friend and that they will meet up on Monday and figure something out. I personally think she should be admitted to the hospital. And she needs to be evaluated, blood-tests and all that. And she should be on medication, she has suffered from depression for years but was always afraid that taking psych-meds would negatively effect the fight for the custody of her daughter, that it would somehow shine a negative light on her if she had mental issues.
I had a proper breakdown after we finished talking. And then my mum called and we talked for an hour. After that I just broke down in my head, hysterically crying, shaking. It was all TOO MUCH to handle for me. I get why cousin contacted me, I mean, we usually don't talk much. But she knew that I wouldn't judge her and I have experience with these things, and well, I'm still alive so I somehow must have strategies to get through suicidal periods. But honestly, I don't. I end up in hospital, I get pumped full with medication and professionals try to talk to me. So I'm not angry at my cousin. I'm glad that I could help her and I'm glad that she's still alive. But all this just broke me. I had to take a sedative (I hadn't taken one in over 6 months!!) and unfortunately it didn't help as much as I hoped it would. It's only Oxazepam after all. But it calmed me down a little, my phsycial anxiety-symptoms didn't disappear but my thoughts got clearer, I could think properly.
So I just had lots of pizza and ice-cream and watched a movie. Then I took both Propavan and Zoplicone and hoped for a good night's sleep. Which I didn't get. I really don't care about exercising and routines right now. I'm in no state for that. I have to survive, this is fucking crisis-time. So I'll try to eliminate my vulnerabilites. I'll try to do things I like.
But there are so many musts. And I know that I feel worse if I don't follow my routines in the long run. But just give me this weekend. I need this weekend to be about survival, no mondane stuff like exercising or doing the dishes. I'll start over on Monday again. Next week I'll maybe even finally go to that hobby-store so I can start with some DIY with my clothes. Oh, and I ordered tons of stationary yesterday because I'm running low on it. I think I bought like 5 kg and paid around 90 Euros. But it made me feel good, now I don't need to buy stationary for a year or so. Still, I need to get my ass to that hobby-store next week.
And I hope I won't do anything stupid this weekend. I really feel tired, tired and exhausted. Of life. I really just want to rest forever. I want to make it all go away. I need to fight.
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