Trying

This is the first day in two weeks that I'm alone at home. My boyfriend is working and P had some appointments to attend. It doesn't feel too bad. I just need to stay occupied with doing something. So I have been cleaning, reading and listening to music. I think I'll try to exercise soon. The sun is shining and it's warm. I'm not too bad although I'm terribly tired and Mr.Anxiety is fucking my mind. I'll just try to be busy and not give my brain the opportunity to create destructive thoughts. I've actually had some interesting discussions on Facebook this morning, about intellectuality and who can be defined as an intellectual. I think it all comes down to a wish for knowledge and the ability to question doctrines. 

I skyped with my brother for two hours yesterday. We talked about my parents and how we should behave. We both agreed on that we don't want to pulled into a war, we don't want to be stuck in the middle. My mum had called him and said that she wants to stay with him for a time which of course puts him in a difficult position. And she can't really decided what she wants either, first she wanted to come yesterday and today she said she still needs some days to think. I'm there to support my brother. And I'm somewhat glad that I'm not in Germany. Moving to Sweden, moving away from my dysfunctional family was the best decision I've ever made.

Some days ago I thought that I didn't want to meet a psychiatrist. I didn't see the point because I don't want to try any more antidepressants at the moment. I'll only end up in hospital if I do. Really, if I try new antidepressants, I want to be in the hospital in the first place, so I'm safe. I always get extra-suicidal in the beginning. Anyway, I think I need some other sleepingpills. The Propavan is making me tired the next day and it still doesn't make me sleep properly. And I don't want to take Zoplicone every night because I really don't want to get addicted to it. Maybe there are some other pills out there? I remember taking a sleepingpill that made me psychotic, I can't remember the name though. Damn.

Tomorrow T will come over. If I tell him about what has happened with my cousin, I'm sure he'll suggest that I get admitted to the hospital. And I'll say no. And we'll both be grumpy. I really wish I could somehow cancel my appointment with him. But I know I shouldn't because he's the only help I'm getting right now. Blah.

I'll watch Dowton Abbey now and exercise while watching it. My boyfriend will come home in an hour. I'll have to re-dye my hair and cook some dinner. Keeping busy. I haven't left the flat for 22 days now. Is that something to be proud of?

(It smells like barbecue, I'm getting hungry. I'm jealous of the people down there at the beach with their barbecues. I should get on the balcony and stare at them angrily. Haha)