I think I'm soon going crazy because of this annoying insomnia and sleep deprivation. I can't think straight, I'm vulnerable and totally unmotivated. My cat woke me up this morning, at 8 a.m. So I had around 3 hours of sleep. I just couldn't fall asleep last night and my thoughts were totally out of hand. I was fantasizing about getting admitted to the hospital, how safe it would feel, how they'd try out new meds so I could finally put my fucking brain to rest.
So today isn't much of a better day than yesterday. I'm immensly tired. I'm anxious. I'm somewhat annoyed. It doesn't help that my boyfriend has decided to stop taking his sleepingmedication. So he's really irritated and vulnerable as well. We fought about where the cheese should be in the fridge. Now that's one mature and totally justified fight. Not. I usually don't fight but I can get really sarcastic and people can get quite angry at me. I almost never scream, shout or throw things. I'm mostly waiting for the fight to get over. But sometimes I just can't keep my mouth shut and I say some sarcastic comment. My boyfriend is a shouter and he can get really really mean. I often break down after our fights because he had said so many mean things that really broke my heart. I know, he said those things in anger but he should really try to control himself.
We have planted some flowers on the balcony. And a lemon tree. I have always wanted a lemon tree so I'm really excited about that one!
Other than that I have been listening to Sopor Aeternus, read a lot of news on the internet and had heaps of coffee. I think I'll try to exercise soon. Although I don't think it will be good for my body with the lack of sleep and all.
I'm still sad. Incredibly sad. I want a break from everything. I just want vacation from my mental illness. People can go on vacation to get away from their jobs and every day lives. I wish I could do the same with my mental issues, just leave them at home and spend a week somewhere else. But nope. I can never get away from this shit. Maybe that's why I'm sad. I just don't want to live with my problems anymore. I want a "normal" week, a week where I can be myself. I don't even know who I am anymore because my personality is totally infected with anxiety and depression. I have two personality disorders after all. I'm really fucked up.
Sometimes I need a vacation from my life too.. :( I often wonder if you could get away for a week or two, if you would feel better, even for that short time.
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