Every day is exactly the same

I think I'm feeling a bit better today. But the anxiety is really getting on my nerves. I find it annoying if people ask me if something has happened. Most people feel sad or anxious because something bad has happened to them or they are worried about a certain thing. But if you are mentally ill nothing has to have happened. It can hit you without any cause, without any reason. I have lots of reasons for being down but there is no particular reason for why I'm feeling like shit right now. It just happens. It would be somewhat nice if something shitty has happened, it would be easier for me to grasp and to do something about it. Do you know what I mean? Let's say someone you love has died. You are crying, you feel helpless, you are really sad. But it's supposed to be that way. You know the "why". It feels so pathetic to feel like shit for no reason at all. I feel like shit because I suffer from mental health issues. You don't get much sympathy for that.

I'm trying hard to stick to my routines and to distract myself. It just feels a bit meaningless. I want to do something that matters. I want to do something that brings me closer to the things I aspire. But no, all I'm working on is to survive another day, to reach the evening, take my sleepingpills and the relief that another day has passed. Pathetic. I have so many great ideas and dreams. So many things I would love to do. So many things in the world I want to contribute to. But nope, I'm just getting through my days. Pathetic much? Self-pity much?

I'm quite angry at my social worker. I received three sms from him today, he wants to change the time for our appointment, and he has done that three times now. I get it, I have nothing important to do so it really doesn't matter when comes to visit. But it really feels like he's just moving me around in his calendar, as if I'm not important, as if I'm a a pain in the ass. I've always had difficulties to understand that I deserve something. I don't think I deserve anything. I always feel like others deserve things more than me. Example: at the psych-unit I had a contact person and he came to talk to me a lot. And I felt really guilty about that. I felt like I was taking his time away from other patients. It felt like other deserved his time more than me. Anyway, T is coming over at 1 p.m. tomorrow, I think. I haven't met him in two weeks and I have had some really bad days. But as always I won't talk about that because I'm ashamed and because I don't want him to think that I'm a wuss. Blergh.

I have a really lovely moment today. Sometimes I feel like a little kid who is experiencing things for the first time. And today my cat sat next to me on the balcony. I was smoking a cigarette and she was smelling some flowers we planted some days ago. And I looked at her and I suddenly felt a strong love for her. I was so happy that I own a cat. I was totally amazed by her awesomeness, her beauty. I couldn't stop looking at her. I wanted to hug her so hard. I was close to tears. I love having such moments!

My stupid roommate is playing rave-shit-music. Our walls are way too thin. It's a vibrating bass and it's getting on my nerves. I'm trying to listen to Suede's new album but the boom-boom-boom is disturbing my experience. Grgh. I think I'll exercise soon, then I'll dye my hair (the red on the sides) and then read a bit. My boyfriend won't come home for another two hours. Please let this day be a good day.