Another night filled with nightmares, constant waking up and lots of cigarettes and camomille-tea. I guess I just need to accept that I'll never get a good night's sleep again. Isn't that what DBT teaches? Get used to your misery, that's just the way it is.
I haven't done much today yet. I have watched some documentaries on youtube about the WGT. That's a huge gothic-festival in Leipzig, Germany. Around 25.000 people come there every year for 5 days. I wish I could go this year. I have been there a few times and it was so awesome each time. So many beautiful people, so much great music. I think I would go if I could afford it this year. I'd just take lots of sedatives and have a great time. Oh well.
My boyfriend went to the cemetery. He and his sister and his cousin just wanted to visit the family grave today. I like cemeteries, but really only the old gravestones and statues. I didn't feel like visiting his family's grave, see him cry. I'm doing bad enough already. And it was a spontanous decision anyway. I'm not someone for spontanity. I want to know about things at least a day beforehand so I can mentally prepare. His sister has social anxiety and he suggested that they'd have a coffee somewhere afterwards but she couldn't be persuaded. That's one of the things my boyfriend doesn't get: that going out and having a meal or even a cup of coffee around other people can create anxiety.
For me it's like this: when I drink a cup of coffee out in a café I'm getting bombarded with fears and thoughts. 1. I need to pay. What if my credit card doesn't work? What if I drop my wallet and I'll look all clumpsy?
2. Do I take a piece of cake or a cookie? People will think that I really shouldn't because I'm already fat enough. They will judge me, shake their heads and think that I deserve to look like this because I'm eating cake when I'm out
3. Walking with your coffee and cake to the table. What if I drop the cup or the plate? What if I spill? People will laugh at me. They will judge me.
4. Sitting. I need to talk to the person I'm with. How the heck do I eat and talk and not look disgusting. I need to concentrate on chewing with my mouth closed. What if I get any crumps on my clothes, around my mouth? Drinking coffee: what if spill. I hope it isn't too hot so I burn myself and spit it all out.
5. Coffee: it can give me a panic attack. I have had panic attacks because of coffee before. I'm worried all the time that I could get a panic attack. And well, that often leads to a panic attack.
6. Drinking coffee leads to having to pee. Or even worse, doing number 2. The worst case scenario: I have to use a public bathroom. Once I got locked in a public toilet, at McDonald's. The lock was messed up and just didn't want to open up. Sooooo embarrassing. I'm not worried about germs. I can wash my hands, no problem. I'm worried about sounding disgusting when I'm on the toilet. Try to pee silenty. Try not to fart. Try to avoid doing number 2. Avoid eye-contact when going out.
7. Leaving the café. Everybody will look at you when you are leaving a place. My thoughts: try to pull your stomach in and put on your jacket quickly. Leave without taking eye-contact with anyone. Just stare out of the door and walk.
Sooo. Drinking coffee or eating in public is a huge problem for me. So I can totally understand my boyfriend's sister. I wish he would understand too.
I'll exercise now. Because I'm a fat whale. No, mostly because I want to keep my routines. Then I'll start cooking so the meal is done when my boyfriend gets home again. I'm already mentally preparing for the event tomorrow: Ben Okri will speak on language and alienation. I want to go, I couldn't forgive myself if I wasn't going.
On a positive note: I haven't had any thoughts of suicide for about 4 days. That's rare for me. Sure, I have signs of depression. I have anxiety. I have insomnia. I cry. I shake. I really want it all to stop. But I'm not thinking about suicide. And that's good I guess.
I had to laugh a little bit at this one. My mum says that when I was little I could look at a glass and it would over, and that they thought something was wrong with me cause I would always walk into things. As an adult, I have spilled my coffee on more than one occasion! I wish you didnt feel this way. I think that most people out in public may stair at you, but I also think that 5 minutes later they wouldnt be thinking about you, too wrapped up in their own lives. But the people that do get to know you a little will remember you forever, you are that kind of girl.
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