Fallen

I knew it. I knew that the positive period wouldn't last for long. Why did I even get my hopes up? I haven't slept more than four hours last night, and those hours I didn't sleep in a row, nope, I woke up all the time, wandered around the apartment, smoked, cuddled my cat, drank a hot tea. I'm so tired! 

The thing is that I know that I can sleep better when I take Zoplicone. But for some reason I don't understand I suddenly only get 10 of those pills per prescription. I think it has to do with my sucidality or something. Honestly, with my sensitivity to meds, I could probably overdose on 10 Zoplicone. Anyway, so I can't take it every night.  It was my own decision, which I didn't tell the doctors, that I don't want to take it every night because I was afraid that it wouldn't work as well after a while. I have been taking Zoplicone for two and a half years. So, these days I'm taking Zoplicone about twice a week. Which means that I get two nights of good sleep and the rest of the week I'm drained, have nightmares and don't get much sleep at all. So you can't imagine how much I want it to be tomorrow night so I can take a Zoplicone again and actually sleep!!

I feel stressed out right now. I'm supposed to come up with meals that we'll eat this week and honestly, we have nothing at home, apart from rice, meat and pasta. But I need something to it, I need some veggies or whatever. So my dearest boyfriend just called me while he was at the supermarket to buy some milk if I know what I'll cook during the next few days because he wanted to buy something then. Oh hell, I couldn't come up with anything that pleased him and he just hung up. What the heck?!? I'm tired, my brain doesn't work well today, give me a freaking break. So he decided that we'll have lasagne tomorrow. I don't care. I'll be the one cooking it but I'm just glad if he gets something to eat that he likes. I really don't have much responsibilities in my life at the moment, well, I should try and stay alive. That's my number one responsibility. But somehow I feel like I have become a housewife. And that's just not me. I really have higher aspirations in life. I don't want just to clean and cook. I get it, my boyfriend is working full-time so he really doesn't have the energy to do much housework. But once when I'm back studying full-time, we'll have to split the housework more evenly. Like we used to do. All he is doing is the laundry and the grocery-shopping (and I'm writing the shoppinglist anyway so he doesn't even have to think). Not working for me. I'm also annoyed by my roommate. He hasn't cleaned his room in months and it's all smelly and yucky. I can't believe he can actually breathe in there. I'm not the tidiest person in the world and I don't deep-clean every day. But how difficult can it be to tidy up a bit?!? Clothes on the floor, old pizza-boxes, old beer-cans. Yucky!

Right. Now that I got this off my chest, I'll get on with my day. My boyfriend will be at home for the rest of the week which is great. I feel so much safer when I'm not on my own. He can take control if I have lost it. Gah, I'm so tired. That means that I'm supersensitive. My anxiety is bad. Can't this day be over already? Well, I'll try to stick to my plans for today. Exercise, fix my hair (haven't washed it or brushed since Sunday, so right now I have BIG hair) and cook. Then I'll just die on the sofa.