Anxiety Anxiety Anxiety - how will it end

I'm not doing well. It's quite ironic because a friend just asked me on Facebook how I was doing and I said I'm alright. I just don't want to share my pain with people that I know. I mean, who wants to actually know how one is doing. No one ever replies that they are doing like shit and they'd rather be dead right now. Eh?

I'm a having a dangerous anxiety going on in my body and mind right now. I'm scared because it's the kind of feeling that made me end up in hospital a few times, this feeling of total powerlessness, a feeling that you just never want to feel again. This feeling that leads, let's face it, to suicide. It's like an inner restlessness, an inner turmoil. An inner tension. My jaw hurts because I unconsciously press my teeth together. I'm so close to tears. I'm close to just pacing up and down the hallway, screaming in fear. I don't know how to stop this. It's like it's boiling inside of me and at any moment all the pain will just come out of me. Anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. I  am so freaking restless because of it, just doing one thing after the other, I don't want to pause because then it will happen. I will be totally out of control. I hate this so much! 

The weird thing is that I don't know why I'm feeling like this right now. It's just random. I would be feeling so much better if I knew why. Am I being punished for something? What have I done wrong? What can I change so it will never happen again? I don't know.

All I want is for it to stop. I want the pain to go to away. Forever. Put me in a well, leave me alone, let me just get it over with. The worst thing that can happen right now is if I get attention. Then it will break out. I want to be left alone, I don't want anyone to know. My roommate is running around in the apartment and I'm just turning my back to him, starring at the computer-screen, not showing my face, not showing myself, not showing my pain. I'm ashamed for being so weak, for letting this fucking feeling take over me. I want to be strong, just wave it off, scream it in the face that I am not afraid, that I'm stronger than it is. But I'm not, I'm fucking weak. 

I so hope it won't get any worse. I rarely get impulsive but if the anxiety is like this, I do the most stupid things to make it stop. To never feel like this again. A doctor once said to me: "We know that you have anxiety, we can see it, but you have to live with it, there's nothing we can do": What if I don't want to live with it? What if it's eating me up? What if it's telling me to just jump out of the window of my apartment on the 6th floor? What if it wins? What if I am just not strong enough?

MAKE IT STOP! I am going insane.