In Control

I'm doing alright right now. I'm just a bit exhausted and hungover. And tired. I can't believe that I have been able to enjoy myself yesterday. All social activities are often connected to panic attacks and anxiety for me. But yesterday it went quite alright.

We went to see Fields of the Nephilim last night. That's a gothrock-band, there are basically two big gothrock bands which have been around forever: Sisters of Mercy and Fields of the Nephilim. So I just had to go, I didn't want to miss the concert. I of course had the typical breakdown when I realized that all of my clothes made me look like a whale but I eventually got over it. And it was fun to style myself up, to back-comb my hair, to use fake eye-lashes and to put on lots and lots of make-up and jewelry. I have missed that, looking beautiful. 

When we arrived at the venue, we ran into people we know right away. That was the one thing I had been most afraid of, to meet friends and mates. Many of them I hadn't seen in many many months. But everyone came up to us, hugged us, talked to us. And I got to hear more than once how happy people were to see me. I felt loved! I had been convinced that people had forgotten about me but apparently they hadn't. They were all concerned about my health but I said that I was alright, that I hadn't been at the hospital for months. And I didn't say more about it. 

During the concert I was standing next to my friend V. I love that girl so much! First off, she is so beautiful! There are always guys hitting on her which really isn't making her boyfriend all too happy. But really, she is the nicest, smartest and most honest person I know. She has mental illness too so I don't feel like I need to hide something in front of her. I hadn't seen her in almost a year which is really crazy! Anyway, we were dancing, drinking and just having a good time. But ah, my feet and my back hurt bad after a while. I should have chosen better shoes. Oh well. The concert was great, the show was actually sold out and people were really enjoying themselves. 

Now I'm thinking about if I should push myself more or if the good mood I was in yesterday was just an exception. I was close to panic a few times but I was in control. I don't know. I'm invited to a party next Saturday, at J's place. The thing is that my boyfriend is going out with some old schoolfriends that night so I would have to go alone. And I don't think I can handle it. I could take a cab to J's place but really, that would be just a waste of money. And taking the subway on my own on a Saturday night, I rather not do that. We'll see, I probably won't go.

This week one of my favourite authors, Ben Okri will be at some kind of discussion on alienation. It's for free so I think I'll most definetely go there. My boyfriend has most of the week off from work due to May 1st (worker's day). So he could come with me. I'd love to get one of my books by Okri signed. And then there are the May-demonstrations/protests, I might go with the socialist party. So there are things that I could do this week. Maybe I should just push myself. Haha, I'm sure that in a few hours I'll break down and give up on everything again. All the love that I felt yesterday has given me a high but it's dangerous to crash from a high to a really low. And that's what always happens.