Mindfuck

I just can't stop thinking and at the same time I don't really know what I'm thinking about. My mind is a fucking mess. I wish I could relax for a few minutes and just exist, breathe and be one with my body and mind. That sounded New Age. I hate New Age. I meant I would love to have some control over my body and my brain's activities. Now that sounded more acceptable.

I have slept way too long and Mister Angst fucked my brain right away. I'm starting to get really annoyed by this increased anxiety. I had some weeks which were quite okay and now I'm a mess again. Although I have hated DBT (a therapy) I'm trying to use some of the skills I have been taught. Like, I won't go to bed when I'm feeling bad, I'll just continue doing whatever I have planned to do. The thing is that I'm using the skill the wrong way. I think it's called to go against your feelings/emotions. But I'm more like trying to ignore my anxiety, I never let it come out, I just press it down and hope that it will go away by itself which it of course never does. But what else am I supposed to do? If I let it come out and "feel it", it will destroy me. It will make me do destructive things because I can't stand having it. It's already hard enough to not go insane while supressing it. Bah! I fucking hate this anxiety!

My boyfriend has already been home from work but now he's out to do some shopping. He always does the shopping because I just can't go out most of the time. And shopping is really a bad thing for me. I always feel like people check what I buy. When it comes to clothes they will secretly judge me for the size I'm buying, when it comes to food they will judge me by the unhealthy things I am buying. I think that people think that I shouldn't buy this and that because I am fat. I know that it's just in my head but the fear it's creating is real. 

I'm listening to a Turkish goth-band. They are singing in Turkish which means I have no clue what they are singing about. But I like the music. They are called She Past Away. Yeah. I'll have a lazy weekend. I won't go out. There is this goth-event but I really can't be arsed. They want 100 SEK (about 15 USDollars) and there will be three lame Swedish bands playing. Not worth it. Next week I'll meet my friend from France who will be in Stockholm for a few days and then there's the Fields of the Nephilim-concert that I have a ticket for. I'll focus on that.

Gosh, I am close to panic again. What the heck? MAKE IT STOP!!!