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Just another day in hell. Every day is exyactly the same. There's a song by NIN with that title and for a time I listened to it constantly. Just because it described my life. So, it's Saturday. Everyone is happy because they have the day off and they can do the things they love doing, they don't have to work, they don't have to live every day life. Well, every day is Saturday for me. Or Monday. Or Thursday. There really isn't much of a difference. 

I have realized this morning that I'm having a depression again. Everything is just so much harder to get done. I have zero motivation. All I feel is sadness, indifference and anxiety. I often think that indifference is the most dangerous feeling one can have. Will I die today? I don't care. Will there be an apocalpse? I don't care. Will my boyfriend leave me? I don't care. I just don't care. I don't have the strength to care. I just want to crawl into my bed, stare at the wall and wait for the end. But I think it's good that I'm aware of this. I mean, earlier in my life I would just let the feeling lead me. I wouldn't even try to describe my feelings, I would just give up. So I guess I have improved in comparison to how I was doing about two years ago. Gosh, I wish I had some psych-help, a therapist, someone. I need to talk, I need to get a pep-talk. I don't know how to stop myself from hitting rock-bottom. My goal: I don't want to end up in hospital. So I'll just fight on, do my "chores", survive every day. Even if it seems meaningless. What am I doing this for? I know that even if this is just a period, the bad days will always outweight the good days. 

My boyfriend is out to help his sister/aunt (his mum died when he was three years old so he got adopted by his grandparents) with the grocery shopping. She is handicapped and in a wheelchair so M takes the car and helps her with the grocery shopping every two or three weeks. This makes it even less feeling like a Saturday. He's at home in maybe two hours. So just like any other work-day. Our roommate just got home so at least I'm not all alone at home. 

I have a toothache but I'll just ignore that. I can't afford a visit to the dentist anyway. I'll just use lots of mouthwash and hope that it will go away by itself. 

So my plans for this weekend. I think I want to re-dye the black in my hair and shave my sides (down to 9 mm). I want to dye my sides red next week. I have had the blue for five weeks now and although I re-dyed it twice, it really doesn't look that good anymore. My hair grows incredibly fast. So yeah. We'll watch some more episodes of the Walking Dead. I could go to that one Goth-night but I doubt I will. There are three mediocre local rock-bands playing (they are nowhere near goth, they are just plain goth) and it costs like 15 US dollars for entrance. Not worth it. And honestly, my social anxiety won't let me go anyway. I better focus on next week, with meeting my friend from France (she wants to meet up at 3 p.m., M works until 4 so I have no clue how to manage to get into town) and then the Fields of the Nephilim-concert. Yeah. 

Blah.

(I don't officially have OCD as a diagnosis (was close to getting it) but there are some things that just annoy me so bad. The "A" on my keyboard is half-off, you know, the white print of the letter. I have the strong urge to use a pen to draw it back on. Haha. Things like this can drive me crazy. The other day P took a chair from the kitchen because he wanted to fix his lamp and needed something to stand on. I couldn't go into the kitchen, it just felt SO wrong that there were only three chairs. Haha. )