Saturday Blues

Saturday. I'm listening to David Bowie. My weekends aren't much different from the other days of the week. The only big difference is that my boyfriend is at home. Well, not really. Saturdays he's always out during errands, like grocery shopping. At the moment he's out to buy a table cloth for our kitchen table, then he'll meet up with a friend and then buy some catfood. His Saturdays really aren't that exciting either. Haha. 

I had a lot of dissociative anxiety yesterday, I was totally disconnected from reality. The first time I experienced dissociation I got really scared. I thought I was going into psychosis, everything around me seemed unreal, I seemed unreal, it was as if I was a ghost or something. Not in this world. But nowadays I'm not so scared of it anymore. I'm mostly annoyed by it because it keeps me from doing things. I'm just turning into a vegetable, looking apathetic to others. I have had so much anxiety and so many traumas in my life so my brain is really using it as defense-mechanism. Too much anxiety? Well, let's shut down all your feelings and put you into a state where you can't react to anything. Stupid brain!!!!

I don't really know how I'm doing today. I'm a bit off. And I feel a tad guilty because I ordered lots of clothes yesterday. But I really need those clothes! I have gained so much weight so that my clothes don't fit anymore. Remember the other day when I had stomach cramps? I think my underpants and my leggings were cutting into my flesh and pushed way too hard into my stomach. I bascially went from a size S in early 2011 to a XL in early 2013. I don't blame myself too much for it. Zyprexa made me gain a lot (!!!), I didn't move much under my months at the hospital and I had real trouble getting back into my routines. I eat for comfort and when I'm down. When I'm depressed it can go two ways: I either eat a lot of junk food and chocolate or I eat nothing at all. My exercise-routines have been really okay during the last two weeks though. Anyway, I needed those clothes: I ordered some basic black short skirts, some leggings and some underwear. Well, and a skeleton-dress, okay, I didn't need that one. But it was so pretty! Now I have about 1000 SEK (around 110 Euros) for the rest of the month. I still need new make-up and hair-dye. Gosh, I hate having zero-income! I'm a leach living off  my boyfriend's income. Guilt and shame!

Today I'll check out the university-courses again and see which ones I'll apply for. I could take two part-time courses. I don't know yet. My boyfriend says that I should take The History of Ideas 2 (it's kind of like philosophy) as I have already taken the basic course for it. But I want to learn Russian!! I still have another week to decide. I think we'll start watching the first season of "The Walking Dead" later today. Everybody has been talking about that series so I have to check it out. Uh, and I need to redye the blue in my hair.

Dull weekend ahead.