Exhausted

I'm so exhausted. Totally gone in my head. But my body is still on high alert, stupid fucking anxiety just never stops. I have been able to avoid sedatives today, I don't know how. I'm really not doing too good. But I have been a good girl. I exercised, cleaned, cooked and spent time with my boyfriend. But I was kind of absent most of the time. I hate that I can't control this feeling of helplessness, that I can't just relax. I have been close to panic so many times today. I have dissociated. I have been apathatic and insanely tensed at the same time. My heart just never stops pounding like a freaking slash hammer.

I don't even know what I'm thinking. I don't know what's going on in my head. It feels empty. I don't think. But at the same time impulses and mental images pop up. The psych unit at the hospital, the urge to walk outside and just drown myself in the lake. The urge to just scream and tell everyone to leave me the fuck alone. I hate that my mind is driving me crazy. I love my mind, I love my intellect. But it's tricking me. GAH!

I'll most definetely take the other sleepingpill tonight. Propavan just isn't enough. I just want this day to be over. I hope tomorrow will be a better day. I can't have another day like this. Oh please. Well, or I'll just turn to the sedatives after all. I would love to get away from this state of mind.

Now that I think of it, there are a lot of triggers that could have caused me feeling like this. Lots of pressure and feeling of worthlessness. Things people said to me. Things that made me feel like a fucking loser.

I'll watch TV for another 30 minutes, then I'll take the Zoplicone and go to bed with a book. My awesome cat is staring at me right now, she probably wants to cuddle. I could use some cat-love right now.