Insomnia - always the same

I've always had trouble sleeping, even as a child. We were living on top of the restaurant that my parents rented (didn't own it) and I could hear all the drunks singing and shouting during the night. But that wasn't the only reason why I couldn't sleep. My mind just never shut down. I was thinking, thinking, thinking. I remember walking around in the dark house, even going outside into the garden, wandering around in my pyjamas. I often had nightmares. I think it had a lot to do with the fear that I had of my father. He was beating us and the beatings often happened in bed. He went angry, we were afraid and hid in bed. So he came to our room (me and my sister's) and beat us. So maybe I connect the bed and sleeping with violence? I don't know.

Last night I only took one Propavan (sleepingpill). I also have another sleepingpill (Zoplicone) but I don't know when I'll get a new prescription for that as I don't have a psychiatrist right now. So I only take that one twice a week or so. The nights I only take Propavan I have trouble falling asleep. The pill isn't supposed to make you fall asleep, it's supposed to make you sleep through the night without waking up. It doesn't have that effect on me anymore though. I've tried sleeping without Propavan but then I get cramps and seizures! I remember waking up one night, shaking all over my body and not being able to stop it. Crazy! So I continue taking Propavan, so I won't get those withdrawal-symptoms and because it actually has a slight sedative effect.

Soooo, last night I took a Propavan, as I always do. I woke up at least once every hour. I went to bed at 2 a.m. and got up at 9 a.m.. That isn't too bad, eh? Well, I don't feel rested at all. I had terrible nightmares and I only get those nightmares during the nights I take only the Propavan and not the Zoplicone. Really fucked up dreams.

So last night I dreamt: I was being raped by my stepfather or some kind of person that held me captured. I just had the feeling that that person was a stepfather. Everytime I hadn't cleaned well or he didn't like the meal I had cooked, he raped me. Then I dreamt that I had sex with my roommate and that my boyfriend caught us and chased us with a gun, trying to shoot us. And then I dreamt that I was under water and I couldn't breathe. Something was holding me down. That's when I finally woke up.

I don't believe in dream-analysis, especially not Freudian. I know that I get these nightmares because of the stupid Propavan. So now I'm all shaken up, anxious and tired. I wish I could just for one night sleep without waking up and having terrible nightmares. I wish I could fall asleep within half an hour instead of laying awake for at least two hours. I wish I had better sleepingpills!