This constant daily anxiety is driving me nuts! I am just so annoyed that it has gotten so bad again. I have had daily anxiety all my life, well, at least as long as I can remember. As a child I was always afraid of getting beaten up by my dad or being put down by him. As a teenager I was anxious about the bullying, about nicknames, about sexual abuse, about the hatred towards me that I had to go through every day. I was goth, I was fat and I was half-Iranian. So I was probably the perfect bullying-victim. But as a child and as a teenager I could still pretend. I would smile and laugh. I would pretend that they can't hurt me, that nothing can get to me, that I'm strong. But these days it's so different. I don't know why I have anxiety, I don't know what my body and brain are afraid of. Back then it was easy to point out my fears. But now? I just don't know. I guess I'm just so used to be afraid and anxious that it has become who I am.
What annoys me the most is that the anxiety has gotten worse. Just a few weeks ago I felt like I was in control. Sure, I felt depressed, gloomy and anxious. But I could still have moments where I didn't think of my mental state. But now it's like the gates of hell have opened and all the negative feelings are coming out. My hope is that it's just a period, that it will pass by itself, that it won't get even worse. I don't have any psych-contact right now so I have no help to get through this. And I'm not going to turn to the hospital. I chatted with a friend about it yesterday, we talked about last year and how I spent almost the entire summer at the hospital. And I said they won't get me there again, at least not voluntarily. There's a law in Sweden that they can lock you up in a psych-unit if you are a danger to yourself or others. I'm sure that laws like that exist all over the world.
So I've been trying to stay active. To do things almost all the time. My mind is working slowly though. Well, it doesn't when it comes to the negative thoughts, it can bombard me with negativity all the time. But when I want to focus on something else, it just doesn't follow my lead. I dyed my hair yesterday, exercised, cooked, cleaned, read, wrote, watched TV. And today I have so far had breakfast, read the news, done the dishes, done the laundry and chatted with a friend. So, I'm trying hard to keep busy. I need to, I feel like a ticking bomb and it will explode the moment I lose control. I'll soon exercise and watch "Downton Abbey". Then I'll cook, shave the sides of my hair, shower, read, write a letter, reply to an e-mail (at least start), watch TV. Cuddle my cat. Yeah, I want to cuddle my cat!
Plans for the week: meet my social worker T tomorrow, meet my friend A from France on Wednesday and go to the Fields of the Nephilim-concert on Sunday. Fuck, so much social activity. And I'll start pmsing soon. When you have PCOS like me your pms-symptoms can get really bad. I tend to feel like I have the flu a few days before I get my period, then I bloat up (swollen all over my body), then I get bad bad bad cramps and about a day or two before my period I get emotionally uncontrollable and suicidal. Yeah, now that's something to looks forward to. NOT.
No comments:
Post a Comment